Imaginary WordPress Plugin: Automatic Comment Respond-o-Meter

Are your readers complaining that you never respond to their comments, or spreading mean-spirited rumors that you only email those female bloggers who can be seen on Flickr wearing tank-tops or extremely tight t-shirts that read “Fussy:  writing well is the best revenge?”  This plugin is for you.

Imaginary WordPress Plugin:  Automatic Comment Respond-o-Meter

Overview

This WordPress plugin allows you to respond to your commenters automatically, bringing a human “touch” to your blog and making your readers feel as if the blog administrator really cares about their opinion rather than just their “hits”.  Social media strategists and probloggers all agree that taking the time to “service” your reader will help you monetize your online property and increase you page views. 

Automatic Comment Respond-o-Meter has 350 unique responses to every type of comment.  Most responses are general enough that after publishing your blog, you can just go off to see a movie, and let the plug-in do all the work.  Your readers won’t know a thing.

The 350 responses have been scientifically picked to be as broad, but as positive-oriented as possible, delivered randomly.

The blogger “response” will show up several minutes after the initial comment, at varying times, so it appears to the average reader to be written by a busy, but lovable human being, and not the plug-in bot.  Gender set-up is done on the administrative page, as well as the level of “snark” that you want exhibited in your personal response.

This plugin requires a basic knowledge of HTML to modify your comment form.

Example of Use

comment:  I loved this post.  And it is so true what you say about American Idol.  I’ll be glued to the screen tonight!

automatic response after three minutes:  Thank you for that great comment.  You are the best!

Other popular responses include:

“How true!”

“Have you seen the Wikipedia article on this subject?  Fascinating!”

“Now I know why I chose you as my blog crush.”

“Can’t wait to see you at BlogHer!”

“LMAO.”

“I hate you.  Only joking!  I’m just jealous of how talented you are.”

“Dooce couldn’t have said it better.”

“That comment totally turned me on, baby.”

and the always useful, “Yes!!!”

Installation

Download the Automatic Comment Respond-o-Meter Plugin version 1.1 Beta
(For Imaginary WordPress 2.5+)  
Coming soon!

To install, unzip the files into your /wp- content/plugins/ folder. Then activate it under the Plugin menu in your WordPress admin.

If you want to modify the theme, it is extremely easy to do.  Simply make all the necessary changes to the following:

<ol class=”commentresponse”>

<?php foreach ($comments as $comment) : ?>

<li <?php echo $oddcomment; ?>id=”comment-<?php comment_ID() ?>”>
<?php echo get_avatar( $comment, 32 ); ?>
<cite><?php comment_author_link() ?></cite> Says:
<?php if ($comment->comment_approved == ‘0′) : ?>
<em>Your comment is awaiting moderation.</em>
<?php endif; ?>
<br />

<small class=”commentmetadataresponse”><a href=”#comment-<?php comment_ID() ?>” title=””><?php comment_date(’F jS, Y’) ?> at <?php comment_time() ?></a> <?php edit_comment_link(’edit’,’ ‘,”); ?></small>

</li>

<?php
/* Changes every other comment to a different class */
$oddcomment = ( empty( $oddcommentresponse ) ) ? ‘class=”alt” ‘ : ”;
?>

<?php endforeach; /* end for each comment */ ?>

</ol>

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48 Responses to Imaginary WordPress Plugin: Automatic Comment Respond-o-Meter

  1. Neil says:

    Testing, testing 1-2-3…

    [Hilarious! See you at BlogHer!]

  2. Rhi says:

    I do love this!

    So, will I see you at BlogHer?

  3. Kathy says:

    I would so use this if Blogger supported plug-ins, imaginary or otherwise.

  4. sizzle says:

    This is a joke, right? I’m so gullible and the interwebs are so nutso that this could very well be true.

    It’s the “see you at BlogHer” bit that’s making me think it’s all a hoax.

    Am I dumber than I look? ;)

  5. sizzle says:

    Also, if I read the title..that might have helped. Heh.

  6. Neil says:

    After being threatened by Archie comics, I intentionally put the imaginary there. You are gullible, Sizzle. That’s what I like about you.

    Oh, by the way… I really wrote this response. Uh, yeah…

  7. Annie says:

    Brilliant. Beyond words :-).

  8. Memarie Lane says:

    I’ll be impressed when they come up with something to automatically generate comments for other blogs, to make it appear as though I’m actually reading them.

    “Great plug-in Neil! I’ll be sure to check it out! xxxooo”

  9. Robyn says:

    Yes!!!

    (I am hoping against hope that the “blog crush” response is the one I get. Crossing my fingers!)

    (If by chance you decide I am not worthy of being a blog crush, I might have to respond to you that, yes, Dooce probably could say it better.)

    (I don’t want to say that. It’s not true. Is it really so hard to have a crush on me? IS IT?)

  10. AnnieH says:

    ooooh… Neilochka, “touch” me, baby. That Automatic WordPress Plugin is hot.

  11. piglet says:

    that’s just fucking brilliant. and i mean it. REALLY!

  12. Note to self: Buy tight tank top from Fussy.

  13. sa_scully says:

    Brilliance. If only such a thing existed. Perhaps you could patent it? Or sell the idea to google? Eh, they’re probably already working on it or would say no thanks but steal the idea like what Calvin Klein did to Kramer. (Yes, that was a Seinfeld reference. There’s little good tv on anymore.)

  14. Oh I so need this plugin. I really am a total shit about responding to comments. This would explain my total lack of comments, I suppose. Stellar idea Neil.

  15. alejna says:

    Yes!!! How true!

    I mean, that’s a brilliant idea.

  16. chantel says:

    I definitely don’t respond to every comment and I feel bad for it. I don’t get near the comments you do so I’m sure its tough for you.

  17. DaveX says:

    Mr. NEILOCHKA Hi this is STARTLINGMONIKER how are you? Hope you enjoy this weather, NEILOCHKA. Are you sick of reading other people’s blogs? Get your bot reader with auto-comment today and see big hits at CITIZEN OF HE MOUTH your blog!

  18. Loralee says:

    Dude.

    Make that plugin available to me and I would TOTALLY wear a tight tshirt that says “Neil rocks more than my writing (And my rack)”

  19. Angella says:

    Oh, Neil.

    This is just awesome.

  20. Whoa! I am so installing this. I’ll have my blog automatically dispense randomized and pithy words of wisdom..like an electronic fortune cookie.

  21. Dagny says:

    This plug-in thing is just your guilt talking. Who cares about the readers’ needs? Tell them to toughen up. The world is a cold place. (Ummm, and because it’s hard to tell tone in print, let me just say this is me being my usual sassy self.) This whole commenting back thing? It’s so conformist. I want a revolution. Of course, I guess I should stop commenting back to comments first…

  22. Neil says:

    Thank you, Dagny. Dooce couldn’t have said it better.

  23. Penelope says:

    Bloody hilarious – seriously. This cracked me up this morning. Bravo!

  24. Caron says:

    I am remembering the first time I commented here. One of my first comments ever since I was new to the whole blog thing. You responded, but, it was such a generic, non-committal response, that I seriously thought you had some sort of responding program. I then sent a snarky comment to see if I would get the same kind of generic response. You responded in a specific, more flirtatious way and I knew you were real.

    So, do I get any shared percentage of (I’m only thinking 2-3 %. I could never have come up with all that fancy looking code stuff)the idea since I quietly sent it out to the collective unconscious awhile back?

  25. Lady Jaye says:

    I would totally install that plugin. It would then call every commenter sexy and brilliant so they would know how important they are to me.

  26. i would have no idea on how to install that thing, i could have used it, because i was terrible at responding to comments that were left to me.
    if this works out for you, maybe next you can figure out a way to make it look like you are leaving comments on blogs that you don’t even read, just a thought.

  27. Winter says:

    Now that is a funny post. Phones are answered by automated systems, why not an automated comment response? An idea whose time has come. HEH.

  28. mp says:

    Now if there was a to automatically comment on blogs I read.
    IE
    Great Post! Now I know why I keep coming back. Blogroll Me! You are the Best. You are So funny!

  29. HeyJoe says:

    I loved this post. And it is so true what you say about American Idol. I’ll be glued to the screen tonight!

  30. Jeannette says:

    Very funny, but also, a very out-of-touch blogpost. Like when a celebrity rants about how she couldnt live without her shoe organizer/alphabetizer console.

    I only have one pair. What the fuck are you talking about?

    Go adopt an African, Neil.

  31. anymommy says:

    I think this is the funniest thing I have read in my short blogging career.

    You are my new blogcrush.

    (Oh, and all the hot girls definitely are at allmediocre. Going out to buy a tight tank top.)

  32. ali says:

    Now I know why I chose you as my blog crush

  33. Neil says:

    Jeannette — I have thought of adopting just so I can become a daddyblogger and get listed on all of those parenting blogs.

  34. HeyJoe says:

    Wait a minute I HAVE kids. How come I’m not a daddyblogger?

  35. Jane Somers says:

    you’re suppose to respond to comments? no wonder nobody responds more than once. Dammit

  36. Jane says:

    You mean “now you know why I chose you as my blog crush” is a rote response?

    I am crushed. Vexated. Devastated. I don’t have all the words to express my feelings of excoriation, because I never finished my last semester of college.

    Now we know why I can’t join the straight side. Because men (that’s you, Neilocka) LIE.

    *sob*

  37. Karl says:

    “Have you seen the Wikipedia article on this subject? Fascinating!”

  38. greg mills says:

    Yong H0TGURLS In Jeanss Showwing On Vgoyeur Camms

    These are the sort of comments I usually leave. I’m pretty prolific. It’s welsh.

  39. Neil says:

    Jane — You already knew that about men. Don’t act all naive. Look at Greg Mills comment for example.

  40. Jane says:

    True. Yet a tiny sliver of the nearly non-existent optimist in me was holding out hope that there was a nice Jewish boy somewhere who wouldn’t go the way of the Greg Mills of the world.

    Yet, I must admit. Bad boys are so much funner to hang out with. So I’ll keep hanging Neilochka, and you can keep whispering those sweet nothings in my ear. :-)

  41. Lisa says:

    Yes!!!

    (Dooce couldn’t have said it better)

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  43. Lady Fi says:

    So true! No wonder you’re my latest blogcrush! ;-)

  44. PiterKokoniz says:

    Hello !!!! ^_^
    I am Piter Kokoniz. oOnly want to tell, that I like your blog very much!
    And want to ask you: will you continue to post in this blog in future?
    Sorry for my bad english:)
    Thank you!
    Your Piter Kokoniz, from Latvia

  45. Запчасти субару, лексус, митсубиши, тойота и другие японские марки!

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