Neilochka Loves Matzoh Brei

I have been honest with you that things are bumpy with Sophia. I’m sure there are many single women out there waiting for the post where I finally write — “I’ve been booted out,” because that means it is now your opportunity to sent me that bra in the mail and win me over for yourself. But, I’m going to warn you. I’m not that easy. I will never date any woman who doesn’t pass a certain test. I’m not talking about judging you on your tits or ass. I’m not even talking about intelligence.

No, I’m talking about your ability to make matzoh brei.

What is matzoh brei?

To better explain matzoh brei, let’s go directly to the passage in Exodus where it is explained in the Bible:

One day, Moses was leading the Israelites out of Egypt, and was helping out the “cooking crew” by carrying some matzoh. His brother Aaron was carrying a big jug of scrambled eggs. These items were going to be served for breakfast, right after morning prayers. As they were walking, Moses got distracted by a young Israelite maiden.

“Holy burning bushes,” he said to himself. “Her breasts are a round and soft as Egyptian melons!”

Just then, he tripped on his staff and dropped all the matzoh in Aaron’s jug of scrambled eggs.

The Israelites, a stiff-necked people, started grumbling.

“What did you bring us into the desert for. Moses, to starve us? You ruined breakfast, Moses! Who wants to eat that crap? First the gefilte fish, and now eggs with matzoh inside? You’re killing us, Moses! How are we supposed to keep on walking in this hot desert without some nourishment? And what kind of God sends us to this crappy piece of land surrounding by people who hate us… and not even any oil on the land? Why not Paris or Toronto? Better to be slaves in Egypt. At least they made good shish-kabobs and we got to dance like Egyptians.”

Moses was distraught. Not only were his people angry, but his wife, Zepporah, saw him checking out the maiden’s cleavage, and she was NOT happy.

“God, help me!” cried Moses. “What can I do to appease these Israelites, who just keep on complaining about the food we’re serving? What do they expect — a four star restaurant in the desert.”

“Moses. These are Israelites. They love to complain. Listen to me. Lift up that tablet lying there at your foot. I will show you what to do.”

A bolt of lightening hit the tablet.

Moses read what was engraved.

“A recipe for matzoh brei?” asked Moses.

“Take my word for it, Moses.” said God. “Tell the Israelites that even Rachael Ray eats the stuff, so they’ll think it is more special that the goyim like it, too.”

“Thank you, God. You have saved your chosen people again.”

“That’s what I’m here for… sometimes.”

“Just one more thing. Zipporah is really pissed at me for checking out that fair maiden’s tits.”

“Those were excellent, weren’t they? How can anyone ever doubt my existence when a hot woman like that exists in the world?”

“Here. Here. But I think Zipporah is so mad at me, I might not get any… good-lovin’ tonight. Can you help me with that?”

“God is One. And all Powerful. Just not that powerful. You’re screwed Moses. Good luck. And from now on, include a bitter herb at the Passover seder to remember that bitter night you spent alone with the camels outside the tent.”

A simple matzoh brei recipe from The Complete Passover Cookbook by Frances R. Avrutick:

INGREDIENTS:

* 4 matzohs
* 4 eggs
* 1/2 cup milk
* Salt to taste
* White pepper to taste
* 3 Tablespoons butter

For variation, try adding some chopped fresh chives.

PREPARATION:
Break the matzohs into small pieces and soak them in the water in a large bowl until soft but not soggy. Drain well.

In a separate large bowl, beat the eggs with the milk, salt, and pepper. Add the matzohs. Blend together.

Melt the butter in a large skillet over medium heat; add the egg mixture. Cook over medium heat. As the eggs begin to thicken and brown, stir from the bottom with a wide spatula or pancake turner, keeping the matzoh in large scrambled pieces. If you prefer, cook the egg-matzoh mixture as a large omelet, browning on both sides. Turn out onto warm serving dish.

Yield: 4 servings

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23 Responses to Neilochka Loves Matzoh Brei

  1. Loralee says:

    You obviously missed your calling as a food and boob historian, Neil.

    If this whole writing thing doesn’t work out at least you have something to fall back on.

  2. ali says:

    i judge jews based on their matzah brei making ability too. i have a friend who makes his with CINNAMON AND SUGAR *shudders* needless to say, we are no longer friends…

  3. Jay says:

    Hm. I think your recollections of “Moses time” is somewhat different from mine.

  4. Heidi says:

    “And from now on, include a bitter herb at the Passover seder to remember that bitter night you spent alone with the camels outside the tent.”

    Don’t you mean the bitter night you spent alone in your car in the driveway? I don’t remember you mentioning any camels, though…

  5. tiddleywink says:

    From the April issue of Martha Stewart Living: “…matzo brei is sometimes savory, but arguably at its best sweet.”

    I’d be happy to argue with her. Clearly, she’s on crack.

  6. Mattie says:

    Of course, you don’t want to forget to add the following:

    5 Granny Smith apples, peeled/sliced 1/4-1/3 in. thick

    1/2 cup brown sugar
    1/2 teasppon cinnamon
    6 tablespoons butter
    pure maple syrup (not the stuff in the bottle – you know, the GOOD stuff in the can!)

    This is just another variation. But oh so sweet.

    You have to fry it crispy/crunchy.

    It’s really good!

  7. Noel says:

    You post a picture of some egg dish and NOT the babe so delicious she proves the existence of God?

    Priorities, man!

  8. Finn says:

    Mister loves matzoh brei. With sugar on it. I have never made it.

    This could explain a lot…

  9. Stacey says:

    Whatever, Neil. We all know Rachael Ray gets her breakfast from Dunkin’ Donuts. I heard it on the radio.

  10. MammaLoves says:

    Oooh Mattie’s recipe even sounds good to this shiksa.

  11. 180/360 says:

    I have a hard time believing that you care more about Matzoh Brei than T&A.

    ;)

  12. I would love to attend the Seder where you got to answer the questions.

    Just saying.

  13. Non-Highlighted Heather says:

    I dig a man that can properly use the proper tense of send/sent.

  14. Non-Highlighted Heather says:

    And who doesn’t mind my abuse of the word ‘proper.’

  15. Jack says:

    Dude, if there is one thing that I can cook it is matzoh brei. I am the master chef, it is one of my specialties.

  16. i’m such a catholic girl, i’ve never heard of it, let alone make it or even tried it before. i’m not even sure i really know what matzohs are. i’d guess dumplings?

  17. V-Grrrl says:

    “Why not Paris or Toronto?”

    Still laughing….

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  19. AnnieH says:

    I don’t know what this tastes like but I am sensing fabulousity for my thighs. Bring it on…

  20. dan says:

    While I respect your respect for the fried eggy matzo, I must throw in my lot with those who eat it sweet. I add a little orange-blossom essence and apricot jam, as well as cinnamon and maybe some allspice or nurtmeg for giggles. I like to soak’m in milk and squeeze them out again before encustarding the mix, and I use plentiful mapletastic syrup. Perhaps we do not agree on this, but as the man once said, Can’t we all just get along?

  21. SwanShadow says:

    Remember, though, Zipporah was a Cushite woman. (As in, “Lord, take me downtown, I’m just lookin’ for some Cush.”) The Cushites were not known for their matzoh brei skills.

  22. TorontoPearl says:

    How about some matzah brei with a side serving of sweet charoset? We can arrange to serve that to you in Toronto :)

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