With Valentine’s Day coming up, I’d like to talk about kissing. One of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned about life is this — women like kissing. I’m not a natural kisser. I’m have a feeling that most men are not born kissers. In my younger days, the kissing was just an excuse to set the clock into motion before my hands came out to feel the woman up. Who wants to be stuck at “first base!” If you told your friends that you kissed a girl, you got a big yawn in return. But if you touched her BOOBIES — then you were a hero! Even now, at night, deep in sleep, when my mind is at the most open and aware, I rarely have a vivid dream about me KISSING a woman, if you get what I mean. Well, kissing may be involved, but it isn’t the main goal of the exercise, if you get what I mean.
Even after many years of marriage, I’m not the greatest kisser. Ask Sophia. This is very difficult for me to admit to the general public, but I think it is important to make other men feel comfortable with themselves and their less than stellar kissing abilities. If I can admit it, so can you, Mr. Blogging Guy. Together we can learn to study and improve, and make our women happier. My biggest problem is that I’ve never perfected the whole kissing and breathing at the same time. After a bit, I need air. Maybe if I fix my deviated septum, then I can breathe better through my nose. It’s sad, really. I’ve tried to make up for my less-than stellar kissing in many ways, but it always comes back to the kissing. Is there a class at UCLA? I have a feeling that my admitting the truth about my kissing may lose me some important female readership, but I think it is important to keep this blog honest.
Blogging has only made the situation worse. I’ve IMed with many women, and have heard countless stories of how important a first kiss can be in making your decision to date someone. Some of you even REJECT a perfectly good man because of a mediocre peck on the cheek. You can apparently tell tons of information from the locking of lips: how good he will be in bed, his earning potential, his social security number, and even what your children will look like.
I have one single blogging friend who likes to tell me the intimate details of her dating life. She IMed me this morning, telling me about this amazing date she went on last night.
“I had two orgasms.” she said.
‘Wow. Did you stay over at his place?”
“No, this was outside the movie theater.”
“You had sex outside the movie theater?!”
“No, silly. We were kissing.”
“You had TWO orgasms by kissing him?!”
“He’s a really good KISSER!”
Jeez. Even my Penis was depressed hearing this news. He likes to believe that he is always the main attraction.
I do remember that, as a teenager, I practiced kissing by making out with my arm, sticking my tongue into the pores and slobbering all over the elbows, until my ARM got fed up and threw me off, saying she’d had enough of my wimpy kisses.
Lucky, the digital age offers a new way to kiss a woman — and a place to live and learn. It is called Facebook. Over the past few days, I’ve been getting all sorts of messages that women want me to “Kiss Them.” And who I am to say no? So, this morning, I downloaded this “Send a Kiss” application, all ready to give some hot babes a few orgasms through my virtual kisses.
A few hours later, my bad kissing karma remains — even online. How the f**k do you use this application? Am I too old, or stupid? Am I supposed to be sending a kiss or asking for a kiss? Do I HAVE to send kisses to “twenty of my friends?” What is the difference between kissme, most kissed, kisslog, kiss fortune cookie, and kiss crushes? When did kissing become so complicated?
Maybe I need to first practice on my virtual arm.