Send a Kiss

kisser2.jpg 

With Valentine’s Day coming up, I’d like to talk about kissing.  One of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned about life is this — women like kissing.   I’m not a natural kisser.  I’m have a feeling that most men are not born kissers.  In my younger days, the kissing was just an excuse to set the clock into motion before my hands came out to feel the woman up.   Who wants to be stuck at “first base!”  If you told your friends that you kissed a girl, you got a big yawn in return.  But if you touched her BOOBIES — then you were a hero!    Even now, at night, deep in sleep, when my mind is at the most open and aware, I rarely have a vivid dream about me KISSING a woman, if you get what I mean.  Well, kissing may be involved, but it isn’t the main goal of the exercise, if you get what I mean.

Even after many years of marriage, I’m not the greatest kisser.   Ask Sophia.   This is very difficult for me to admit to the general public, but I think it is important to make other men feel comfortable with themselves and their less than stellar kissing abilities.   If I can admit it, so can you, Mr. Blogging Guy.  Together we can learn to study and improve, and make our women happier.  My biggest problem is that I’ve never perfected the whole kissing and breathing at the same time.  After a bit, I need air.  Maybe if I fix my deviated septum, then I can breathe better through my nose.  It’s sad, really.  I’ve tried to make up for my less-than stellar kissing in many ways, but it always comes back to the kissing.  Is there a class at UCLA?  I have a feeling that my admitting the truth about my kissing may lose me some important female readership, but I think it is important to keep this blog honest. 

Blogging has only made the situation worse.  I’ve IMed with many women, and have heard countless stories of how important a first kiss can be in making your decision to date someone.  Some of you even REJECT a perfectly good man because of a mediocre peck on the cheek.  You can apparently tell tons of information from the locking of lips:  how good he will be in bed, his earning potential, his social security number, and even what your children will look like.

I have one single blogging friend who likes to tell me the intimate details of her dating life.  She IMed me this morning, telling me about this amazing date she went on last night. 

“I had two orgasms.” she said.

‘Wow.  Did you stay over at his place?”

“No, this was outside the movie theater.”

“You had sex outside the movie theater?!”

“No, silly.  We were kissing.”

“You had TWO orgasms by kissing him?!”

“He’s a really good KISSER!”

Jeez.  Even my Penis was depressed hearing this news.  He likes to believe that he is always the main attraction.

I do remember that, as a teenager, I practiced kissing by making out with my arm, sticking my tongue into the pores and slobbering all over the elbows, until my ARM got fed up and threw me off, saying she’d had enough of my wimpy kisses.

Lucky, the digital age offers a new way to kiss a woman — and a place to live and learn.  It is called Facebook.  Over the past few days, I’ve been getting all sorts of messages that women want me to “Kiss Them.”  And who I am to say no?  So, this morning,  I downloaded this “Send a Kiss” application, all ready to give some hot babes a few orgasms through my virtual kisses.

kiss.jpg

A few hours later, my bad kissing karma remains — even online.  How the f**k do you use this application?  Am I too old, or stupid?  Am I supposed to be sending a kiss or asking for a kiss?  Do I HAVE to send kisses to “twenty of my friends?”   What is the difference between kissme, most kissed, kisslog, kiss fortune cookie, and kiss crushes?  When did kissing become so complicated?

Maybe I need to first practice on my virtual arm.

This entry was posted in Life in General, Men and Women and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

47 Responses to Send a Kiss

  1. MammaLoves says:

    If you put ads on your blog maybe you could afford some real kissing lessons.

  2. Penelope says:

    In my humble opinion I don’t think you can kiss badly IF you kiss like you mean it. There is nothing worse thn some half-hearted attempt that just smacks of lack of interest. Put some passion into it xxx <– some to practise with ;o)

  3. Dagny says:

    Ewwwww! You said slobber. I don’t know but the use of the term “slobber” along with “kissing” just seems like a complete turn-off.

  4. Erin Cooper says:

    Kissing is VERY important… To me, it’s so much more intimate than a lot of sex acts. Plus, I think of kissing as a sort of foreplay and if the man knows how to kiss well, it bodes well for me in other areas of intimacy…

  5. Ash says:

    Neil, you can take breathing breaks while kissing, it doesn’t have to be all ‘I’m in here, and I’m never getting out’ from Mr Tongue! Going to kiss you on facebook right now :P

  6. I think that kissers can be trained, so maybe you just need practice? A good kisser will make plenty-a-girl want to rip off her clothes and get to the goods, so good kissing actually can help fast-forward to the main event. ::cough:: Ask my husband about the first time I can over to ::cough:: “hang out.”

    Also, I gotta admit that those facebook kissing/hugging/spanking applications are kinda creepy and gross.

  7. christine says:

    When you can give a woman an orgasm by looking at her from across the room, THEN you know you’ve got it.

    You also can rest assured she’ll be following you like a puppy dog.

  8. Neil says:

    Christine — Been there, done that.

  9. Loralee says:

    I don’t understand the facebook makeout either.

    I am a failure at virtual kissing.

    I’ll just have to console myself that I am fanstastic at it in real life. ;)

  10. I want to kiss that guy outside the cinema!

  11. Nickname for my partner is Hooch (from Turner & Hooch) – he’s a slobberer too. Nothing worse. But he’s passionate and relentless, which is more important. I figured you can’t have everything. Unfortunately kisses that blew my mind are but a very distant memory. Virtual artful kisses headed your way from the other side of the world.

  12. Bec says:

    Kissing? I remember that… sigh… I hate this time of year… Now I have to go watch Love Actually and eat a large bar of choco… DAMN, I gave it up for Lent!

  13. Christine says:

    I’m with ya on the kissing and breathing thing. I have horrible allergies which make breathing in any position other than upright an open mouth thing. That means kissing and breathing at the same time requires much conscious effort. It’s sad I know.

  14. Theresa B. says:

    Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me.
    I’m a woman and your kissing talk only made me love you more. Hang in there. Good kissing comes to he who is willing to kiss more. Just made that up. Can you tell?

  15. Finn says:

    Haven’t been on Facebook lately, but I’ll run over and give you a kiss too.

  16. Pants says:

    You should really tell your therapist that your penis is depressed.

  17. gorillabuns says:

    The key is not too much slobber but firm lips that say, “Hey, I want to move onto third base.”

    and never underestimate a good passionate peck on the cheek.

  18. OMSH says:

    Virtual kissing?

    no.thanks.

    The kiss?
    It is EVERYTHING.

  19. Miss Syl says:

    I’ve yet to meet a woman who says she can orgasm JUST from kissing. I bet something else was going on there, too (quirks eyebrow).

    Kissing is very important; but it’s also just like every other kind of sexual act–every person likes to be touched differently, and you have to figure out how the person your with likes to be touched. Every woman likes to be kissed differently. In which case if the one you’re with doesn’t seem to be enjoying your style, ask for a roadmap. And hell, give her yours, too. Just like with all areas of sex, communication is key to knowing what turns your partner on and off.

    As for Facebook, I don’t go near the thing. Didn’t you write a post a while back saying you were going to trash it?

  20. Neil says:

    Miss Syl — Damn, you have a good memory. Yes, I did dump Facebook. And then like a sheep, I went back, thinking that everyone was kissing each other — and I was missing out, so I went back — and now I’m so lost, I can’t even figure out how to kiss anyone!

    Jody — thanks, now I’m an expert.

  21. di says:

    How can anyone comment when almost dead from virtual laughter????

    I was giving someone (unasked for) advice the other day, and perhaps it reveals far too much about me but I love kissing (obviously, being a woman and all) but I was advising, ‘Just put the tongue away except on special occasions – concentrate of the mental hmmmmm, sensation of putting all your love into the kiss.’

    Lol, when they’d stopped with the ‘ohmygod, that’s too much information’ I had one surprised bloke saying ‘The tongue, put the tongue away?’

    Oh yes, say I. Now off you go and practice. Kiss Sophie like you’re telling her you love her with your lips but so that you can breathe too. They’re soooooooooooooo good at talking that I’m sure you’re a stunning kisser under all those insecurities. And leave your arm alone … it knows nothing.

    Hmmm, is it too late to select anonymous? Your ‘Sat it!’ is so demanding, I often press it just to accept the dare …

  22. V-Grrrl says:

    Oh Di, now I know all your secrets, but you can TRUST me, I won’t share them inappropriately at your next party while under the influence of tequila. Oh no, I wouldn’t pipe up and say “Put your tongue away and only bring it out on special occasions.” No, of course not. ; )

  23. churlita says:

    Sorry to hear it Neil.I’m not on Facebook,but I do have a boyfriend who is an amazing kisser. Maybe you just need to keep practicing with Sophia…

  24. Karl says:

    Yeah, that’d depress me, too, and I consider myself a good kisser. Orgasms don’t generally happen without a little outside stimulation.

  25. Neil says:

    The Mystery of the Kiss — LA Times

    http://www.latimes.com/features/health/columnists/la-he-esoterica4feb04,1,4901796.column

    A romantic kiss, blandly stated, involves movement of the lower jaw (the sole movable bone in the head) and contraction of 34 muscles in the face, neck and head — principally the orbicularis orbis, which surrounds the mouth and allows the lips to pucker.

    Nerve endings abundant in the lips and on the tongue rush signals to the brain, triggering a cascade of events. Blood rushes to the lips, and the body warms. Saliva pours out of glands (which is why kisses are wet), blood testosterone levels surge, and feel-good chemicals such as endorphins and oxytocin are released in the brain.

    Blood pressure rises, the heart rate accelerates from around 70 to upward of 120, and calories begin to burn at a rate of around 6 a minute compared with just over 1 calorie per minute when someone’s sitting around reading or watching TV.

    On the negative —

    Even if kissing doesn’t prove hazardous to the chin, cheeks and nose, it can prove risky in other ways. Millions of bacteria pass between the mouths of two kissing lovers. Most are benign, but kissing is a good way to pick up a cold, the flu — or a morsel of the egg salad or peanut butter your beau had for lunch, a nontrivial matter for someone with serious allergies.

  26. Diane Mandy says:

    Great, just great. Ever since I read this post this morning I have been singing Prince.

    U don’t have 2 be rich 2 be my girl
    U don’t have 2 be cool 2 rule my world
    Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with
    I just want your extra time and your…

    Kiss

    Thanks, Neil.

  27. Neil says:

    Diane — Did you see him on the Grammys last night? I like Prince too, but do you really want to be kissed by that strange guy?

  28. Marie says:

    Kissing died for me when I got married. Even if my husband has managed to eat a breath mint, which is rare, the bill of his cap always knocks me in the middle of the forehead. And then he looks at me with a hurt expression, wondering why I flinch every time he puckers up.

  29. Nina says:

    I hate to break it to you, Neil, but a man can do everything wrong as long as he can kiss. In fact, I could an entire marriage on kissing. No clothing need to removed. Yes, it is possible to have an orgasm on the sidewalk in front of a movie theater from kissing alone. it is that important.

  30. melanie says:

    mmmmmmmmmmm kissing… well, sorry neil. I can’t read you anymore… i need a good kisser! :lol:

    like you said. its pretty damn important. keep practicing is my only advice. sophia? help him… please. its to your benefit.

  31. wendy says:

    KIssing is important…yet I’ve never had an orgasm just kissing. I’ve had kisses that led to OTHER parts of my body thinking..and moving on their own….

    The mouth is a sexual organ to be sure…A kiss should court, invite, tease and conquer..

    Kissing should be just like the tango…
    a mix of urgency and restraint..

  32. HeyJoe says:

    Lets face it, this pendulum swings both ways. And I’m afraid it’s true, if one is not a good kisser, anything else is bound to be a disappointment.

  33. ali says:

    seriously? kisses totally don’t do it for me….i mean, of course, i’m a good kisser…but there are about 100 other things i’d RATHER be doing…

    (looking through your comments, though, i’m thinking there might be something wrong with me.) :)

  34. Stacy says:

    this might be one of the greatest things I’ve read in awhile. And getting off twice just by kissing, wow.

  35. Jennifer says:

    I am going to get my teenage son to teach me how to use the Kissing Application on Facebook and then I will come back and instruct you all!

  36. Marriage-101 says:

    First, that pic is hot, except for whatever is growing on that guys lip. Second, I once had a guy kiss me, using his TEETH! It hurt. I think he may have cut my lip actually. I never kissed him again.

  37. Tina says:

    Oh, kissing…
    Yes, it’s very important. I ended a three-month relationship with an otherwise great guy because he Just. Couldn’t. Get. The. Hang. Of. It. He kissed so badly that it made me completely lose interest in doing anything else with him, actually. Kissing should be a prelude, a preview, a taste of what’s to come. It should start the fires burning. And yes, I’d love to meet the man from the cinema as well!

  38. i love kissing, my husband is a great kisser, but he’s not nearly as affectionate as i am, it was actually almost a problem when we were first dating, he was uncomfortable giving me even a small kiss in front of his family, i had to really work on him to be ok with me giving him a small snuggle in public.
    once again, in your lovable neurotic way, you’re judging yourself on something you might not know the answer to, because if sophia is content with your kisses…
    i don’t have facebook, but i’ll send you some love with my virtual signature closing
    hugs and kisses
    jane

  39. Julie says:

    Kissing. Kissing is like unwrapping chocolate and… Oh who am I kidding. Kissing is a means to an end, and yes, I’m a woman.

  40. stepping over the junk says:

    wow. and think how tame our IM conversation was…if I knew, I could have told you about the first kiss with my guy, pressed up against my car in the rain, I had one too….heh. And later on, when I was just thinking about it. Cheers Neil, Happy Day of LOVE. Mwah. (that’s your kiss)

  41. Neil says:

    Stepping Over — I usually wait for the second IM conversation to ask the good questions.

  42. stepping over the junk says:

    excellent. looking forward to it.

  43. April says:

    I just stumbled across this blog from a link on another person’s blog. So I’m a newbie to the blog, and I saw this post. It is so hilarious! I will definitely be tuning in to more posts.

  44. Hmm..My fiance loves to make fun of that scene in the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte blurts out to her date, “Ugh, you’re a terrible kisser!” and he responds, totally clueless, “Whaddya mean? It’s my THING, baby!”

  45. piglet says:

    i have a deviated septum too, you can actually smother to death during a kiss if you aren’t careful.

  46. maitresse says:

    bullcrap. was he kissing her clitoris?

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