This is a cautionary tale. I write this as a warning to other men. Do NOT do what I have done.

The trouble began, like most things in the world, in Saskatchewan, Canada.

Here’s part of Savia’s last post:

Remember when Madam Diva sent me her breast in the interoffice mail? And I challenged Neil to send me a watercolour of his talking penis? And then he said he would, but didn’t? And then I twitter taunted him and called him a watercolour c**ck tease? Well, he came through (so to speak), just for me.

Oy. A cartoon version of my talking Penis on someone else’s blog! (NSFW! — I drew this and I feel ashamed). I can only imagine my upcoming therapy session:

Therapist: “In your last post about men, your thoughts about women sound very adolescent.”

Neil: “I know.”

Therapist: “You shouldn’t let a woman sway your emotions one way or another. You need to be YOU.”

Neil: “Right. Right.”

Therapist: “And you need to learn to say “NO” to women. Don’t be a pushover and let them run your life.”

Neil: “Yes, uh… well, I wanted to bring that up…”

Therapist: “Yes?”

Neil: “Well, there is this crazy female blogger in Canada named Savia… well, she’s cute, and she, uh, likes to collect naughty drawings, and asked me to send her a drawing of my talking Penis…”

Therapist: “How immature. Of course you told her that was impossible. You’re an adult who doesn’t do those sorts of things. A college-educated man. Besides, there are no such things as talking Penises.”

Neil: “Yes, of course. Talking Penises don’t really exist, but…”

Therapist: “Oh no…”

Neil: “…but she seemed so disappointed when I said no. And you know how I hate to disappoint a woman.

Therapist: “Neil…”

Neil: “She was crying on Twitter, for godsakes! I didn’t realize that she was actually going to put it on her blog. I thought it was just for her. Thank God I’ve never made a sex video. I would never be able to go on YouTube again!”

Therapist: “Why? Neil. Why would you do something like that? Why would you send something so personal to a person you hardly know?”

Neil: “I don’t know.”

Neil’s Penis: “I know! I know. Even a Fifth Grader knows the answer to that one. He’s hoping to one day get into her pants!”

Neil: “Shut up, Penis!”

Therapist: “Who are you talking to, Neil?”

Neil: “No one… no one…”

I wasn’t going to link this cartoon, but Savia started crying and nagging on Twitter again, saying that NO ONE ever links to her, and that she would be very disappointed if I didn’t give her a link.

Damn women!

As I’m writing this post, I almost deleted it. I felt incredibly shy about this whole Talking Penis Cartoon Scandal. But don’t I write about my talking Penis all the time?! I mean, it wasn’t as if I put a photo of my real penis online? Why was I so puritanical? Was I worried about Sophia’s reaction? My mother’s? Frankly, the drawing wasn’t even a credible representation of my talking Penis. He would never wear a tie. But then, again, I rarely wear a tie, either, but I was wearing one last week when Sophia and I met a bunch of bloggers in Hollywood last week when Dave from Blogography came to town (Sophia and I came straight from Yom Kippur services).

Neil meets blogger SJ for the first time at the blog-meet!  Notice the shirt and tie!

My real problem with my talking Penis cartoon was that I felt as if I was objectifying myself. Someone might come to Savia’s site and actually think more fondly of my talking Penis than me. I perfectly understand how this can happen. How many times have I stared at a women’s full breasts, mesmerized, wanting to hold them, kiss them, do anything to them, and completely forgot that there was a woman attached? I wouldn’t want people meeting me the first time and shaking my hand and saying, “Nice to meet you, Penis… I mean Neil.”

Let this be my punishment for all the years of objectifying women and their tits and asses. Now, I understand how you feel.

Please, while I might enjoy the attention somewhat, I am not just a Talking Penis.

I am a MAN!