Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Age of Love

“Does age matter in love? Hi, welcome to NBC’s summer show Age of Love. I’m your host, Mark Conseulos. You may remember me as the hunky but safe Latino hearthrob, Mateo Santos, from “All My Children,” until I left the show with my annoying wife, Kelly Ripa, after she got a much better job as a talk show co-host and then, five years later, pulled some strings to get me this lame reality show hosting job.

20.jpg

The Age of Love is an important show. It answers the age-old question — in the realm of romance — who is better — twenty-something women or forty-something women? We will learn this answer by creating a whole series of irrelevant gimmicks that will help some dumb bachelor eliminate a new woman each week in some new, embarrassing manner.

40.jpg

Meet Mark Philippoussis, an uncharismatic, not very good-looking tennis pro, with an unpronounceable name, who has the difficult role of choosing the love of his life from the network’s cliched choices of unstable single women who are desperate enough to appear on a summer replacement TV show.

mark3.jpg

Our bachelor, Mark, is in the thirties. Don’t get our bachelor, Mark, confused with me, Mark, the host, although it seems a little dumb that the two men on the same show should have the exact same name, making things unnecessarily complicated whenever someone says “Mark.”

Now, traditionally, men like to date women that are younger than they are, but is that the case anymore?

Does age really matter in love?

Watch Mark as he romances the various women and French kisses all of them. From which age group will he pick his true love (who he will then drop two weeks after the show like a moldy tomato)?

Should he go for the naive idiocy of the twenty-something girl or the bitter, frustrated neuroticism of the forty-something woman? The youthful blank gaze of the twenty-something or the wisdom of the forty-something, who has had twenty extra years experience having disappointing sex with complete strangers? The brainless athleticism of the the twenty-something or the “Oh, shit, do I have to get out of the chair” laissez faire laziness of the forty-something? The perky fake breasts, standing at attention, of the twenty-something or the perky fake breasts, standing at attention, of the forty-something?

In fact, is it me, but don’t ALL of the women seem exactly the same whatever the age — really, really STUPID. Did all of these women grow up living in the same condo in Marina del Rey?

Luckily, our bachelor has a clear vision of what he wants from the perfect woman, whatever her age. Like most men already know, the real question is — who gives better oral sex, the twenty-something or the forty-something?

40 Comments

  1. Our bachelor, Mark, is in the thirties. ‘ Don’t get our bachelor, Mark, confused with me, Mark, the host, although it seems a little dumb that the two men on the same show should have the exact same name, making thinks unnecessarily complicated whenever someone says “Mark.” ‘

    Hhhmmmmpff!

    That’s me spraying Coca-cola out of my nose.

  2. the network’s cliched choices of unstable single women who are desperate enough to appear on a summer replacement TV show.

    ROFLMAO – it makes internet dating sites seem more reasonable by the second (and show)

  3. Man, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed…or are you just jealous that your name isn’t also Mark? What I think is that they should have added another group of women in their 60’s….post-menopausal, less-conflicted, willing to cook a meal now and then, and in need of someone (like a buffed shirtless bachelor) to change light bulbs and perform other household chores.

  4. ROFLMAO!!!

    Neil, this almost makes me want to watch the show if you were going to blog it this way for the whole thing (I’d need to take serious anti-nausea drugs though.)

    And THANK YOU for your honesty about what really matters. I don’t suppose any of the ‘challenges’ will be about bj techniques, though huh?

    Just wondering if we’ve hit bottom yet on this type of show?

  5. those women are different ages?!

  6. Secret: women with maids, cooks, and nannies feel sexier, whatever their age.

    Reading about shows like this makes me glad I don’t have a TV.

  7. No, there is a difference betweeen the 20s and the 40s on the show. The 40s don’t seem to cry as often as the 20s. I tried to think of other differences but then my head started hurting and so I decided that perhaps that was the only difference.

  8. another example to showcase the desperation of women and their need to find a man.

    as well as show just how shallow and bitchy we seem to be.

  9. Had to get a dig in on Kelly didn’t you. I love her Neil. I love her and her fourteen year old’s body. I love how she worships Regis, the greatest man in the history of television.

    I’m done with you Neil. You jealous bastard.

    Just kidding.

    About the fourteen year old body thing.

    Kind of.

  10. Gorillabuns — are you sure it isn’t desperation to be on TV? Do you really think that anyone is serious about finding love on these TV shows?

  11. who gives better oral sex, the twenty-something or the forty-something?

    The forty-something, of course.

  12. I think Finn is probably right. Actually, the seventy or eighty year old would probably have the most experience.

  13. Must resist show, must resist. Doesn’t appeal to me.

    contest running over at my blog.

  14. I was obsessed with Mark Philippoussis in high school.

  15. A co-worker told me about this silly show and now unfortunately I watch it. OMG – I was so happy that Mary got the boot – the child never stopped crying. Maria is a twit that gives the older women a bad rap. Jen – 18 years older than both of the men – has a son the same age – um – what’s wrong with that picture. Amanda – in love after what – 3 minutes – must be the perfectly round fake boobs keep slapping her in the face. I just want to know one thing – how do they find these women? Oh, Mark the tennis player – is a “player” too – so I am sure you are correct that the romance wore off 2 seconds after the cameras stopped.

  16. You mean he was actually well-known?

  17. Actually, the seventy or eighty year old would probably have the most experience.

    the 20 year old would be the most willing

    the 40 year old would have the most talent

    the 70 & 80 year olds you won’t have to worry about teeth so you can relax even more

  18. Have seen it, being an old cougar myself!!! There is a difference between the age groups… but to me it’s kinda like the 20s having the porsche bodies…but still grinding the gears. All talk and no skills.

    However, hearing some of the 40s say..”He may be THE ONE..” made me feel so sad and creeped out.. The 40s definitely have a better sense of humour. The 20s… meow… hiss hiss…

    And the guy..the prize..UCCCCCKKKK! really yuck!

  19. Forget Mr. Kelly Ripa! I would so watch that show if they hired you to do commentary.

  20. There should be a warning before the video. This is 3 1/2 minites of your life you will never get back. I am also glad I don’t own a tv.

  21. I hate this show. I have never watched more than the beginning credits. Just long enough to grab the remote and change the channel. I do know one thing, though: 40 somethings are better lovers. I mean, I hope so because I am soon to be 40. Even if I were single at 40, I would never debase myself by being on that stupid show.

  22. That’s an easy one… the 40 year olds, of course! 😉

  23. I think that the Mark, “The Prize”, is totally ugly. He’s pock-faced and has the wit of a sock.
    Of course, I’ve only seen one episode… but that was MORE than enough!

  24. Airheads all–especially the guy. Whatever grave mistake comes out of it will be well-deserved by both parties.

  25. I just read in the AARP Magazine (don’t ask!) that “Many older couples don’t like penetration.” I’m leaving to your imagination what they do instead, but I would venture that is adds up to more BJ experience. Give it to Senior Citizens!

    Great post, BTW, I don’t have enough time to comment about Kelly Ripa, her hot husband, or Regis Philbin, for that matter. And, as far as that show is concerned, I was not even aware of it. Sound a bit vapid, though.

  26. Ick. The fact that women will participate in this show, for that is precisely what it is, proves the fact that evolution is a process.

  27. question girl: snort. hahaha. brilliant.

  28. I started writing something snide about this show not measuring up to the high standards of FOX before realizing it was a show on NBC. Good God.

  29. Elisabeth – now you know why Florence Henderson does all those Polident commercials.

  30. Nance–I think it also proves the fact that de-evolution is a process, and we’re the unfortunate witnesses. If we even deign to watch.

  31. I’ve heard about the show, but reading what you have to say about it seems so much better than actually wasting my time watching it.

  32. Ugh – that show is mindnumbing AND I feel like I’d ask to be voted off because Mark? Really not all that great!

  33. you know, everyone talks about the women on these shows, with good reason.

    But what about the men?

    How can a man (like the last bachelor) have such a great “resume” and then be as boring as rocks.

    And people wonder why such a “great” guy is single!

  34. It doesn’t help that the two Marks look vaguely alike.

    Oh, and the prospect of having to change your last name to Philippousis will probably turn off most of those women anyway.

    When I first saw the ads for this show, I thought Kelly Ripa’s husband had left her and was out looking for a new meal ticket! In which case the 40-something woman would definitely win.

  35. What about the show Love or Science? Have you checked that one out too?

  36. Haven’t heard of that one… what is that about?

  37. i gata go with sizzle are they? jk i watched dat show and it made me tilt over to the older side the older women on tht show seemed 2 b more centered and fun not 2 mention sexyer! the 40’s over 20’s hands down! as for the topic in real life terms….well it shldnt matter cuz mental maturity is wat counts

  38. Haha, it’s the Poo! He pisses us off in his home country too!

    To be honest, I don’t even pay those kind of shows any attention whatsoever. Like, occasionally I’ll make fun of them, but I like to pretend that they don’t exist.

  39. i think you hit it on the head. if they aren’t going to do any communicating, then yea the BJ is the test. Too bad they probably don’t do that during the course of this incredibly mundane and painful waste of airwaves.

    imagine the scandal, and the cat fights!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Social media & sharing icons powered by UltimatelySocial