Citizen of the Month

the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Transform Your Blog into a Book!

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I felt guilty about my last post since mommybloggers have been so nice to me lately, sending Sophia cards and wishing her well on her surgery. And how do I respond? — by attacking their precious children! What a jerk I am!

It occurred to me that people write what they know. Businessmen write blogs about stocks and Microsoft. Mommies write about their kids. What’s so wrong about that? (except for the fact that so many of these mommybloggers never come to read my blog) But that’s my fault, not theirs.

Sometimes, I wish I had a clearcut theme… I wish I could say I was a “something”-blogger. It gives you an instant community. I love all my readers and blogging friends, but I’m not sure how to describe this bizarre community. I always hear about bloggers getting book deals from their blogs. I think agents and publishers also like blogs that have a clearcut theme or “story,” because it helps them visualize the book.

For example:

Blog about having sex with everyone in Washington D.C. = book about having sex with everyone in Washington D.C.

Blog about working for big law firm and having sex with everyone in law firm = book about working for big law firm and having sex with everyone in law firm.

Blog about working in hip restaurant and having sex with customers = Book about working in hip restaurant and having sex with customers

Blog about getting divorced and taking up knitting = Book about getting divorce and taking up knitting (I’m not sure how much sex is in this one, though, but there are a lot of cats)

Blog about being a wonderful mommy = book about being a wonderful mommy.

WTF is my blog about?

I’ve been really distraught about this issue, but luckily, like magic, help came this morning in the way of a pop-up ad while using Internet Explorer (kids, use Firefox!) It seems that writing guru Ann Mcindoo has all the answers to turning your blog into a book.

A book? From my blog? What fun! After taking one of her very short seminars, I’m now about to visualize the whole plot of my book.

Agents! Publishers! Here is the summary of “Citizen of the Month,” the book:

Writer guy in Los Angeles is separated from his wild foreign-born wife. Sexually frustrated, he tries to flirt with women online, but they end up mostly seeing him as their “metrosexual” friend, except for that one time he went a little further with a nice blogger back East. Guy’s Penis gets upset at him and wants him to start f**king again, and threatens to “move on” if he doesn’t get any p***y. Guy’s beloved father dies but continues talking to his son from the beyond, telling him to “always be good to women.” Guy’s mother transforms her life and becomes a professional Mah Jongg player, while having an affair with Santa Claus. Guy sneaks back to live with his separated wife when she is away working and he then refuses to leave, even though he isn’t very fond of living in Redondo Beach, finding it too “goyish.” Separated wife faces breast cancer. Penis scolds guy for not paying him “enough attention.” Mother scolds guy for forgetting to send mother’s day card. Separated Wife scolds guy for telling her “don’t be upset” over having surgery. Blogger comments on Dooce, but gets no response.

The end.

(but in the Hollywood version of the book, Dooce does comment, and they have an affair, which makes guy’s wife jealous, so guy and separated wife reunite in a gala second wedding in Hawaii, officiated by Communicatrix. During their second honeymoon in Italy, guy’s totally satisfied-sexually wife tells husband that he is a “real man who should be shared with the world,” and that it is OK for him to continue flirting with other female bloggers — in fact, it is his destiny!)

43 Comments

  1. Kinda has that Kafka/David Lynch vibe happening 😉

  2. I would TOTALLY buy that book.

  3. Peter, I think I see a Blog Crush of the Day in the near future for you, along with a 20% discount on this unwritten book, and a two-for-one coupon to The Olive Garden (with the purchase of two beverages plus tax).

  4. There’s a book I’d read. Please let me know when the book release party is, I’ll be there. Meantime, I’ll help promote.

  5. Ha! I was just talking this morning to a friend, rueing my lack of soundbite salability. I’d say we should collaborate on that book, only all that mean was twice as few book sales.

    It’s tough being a generalist in a niche generation…

  6. Communicatrix — Don’t worry. The money is in the ministry.

  7. Every time someone says something is destiny, I think of that line from Back to the Future: “I’m George… George McFly… and I’m your density. I mean… destiny.”

    You’re my density, Neil.

  8. Heather Anne — I’ll consider that a compliment. By the way, what is your IM address?

  9. I know exactly what you’re talking about. I need to start a sex blog. Wanna help me with some entries?

  10. Wait. I thought this was a sex blog?

    Also, isn’t “bizarre” a niche? Should we call it eclectic instead?

    {{hugs}}

  11. Your book?

    Blogging for Idiots

    Literally

  12. So who plays you when the book gets a movie deal?

  13. I’m not sure who would be better — Colin Farrell or Colin Firth…

  14. …and Will Ferrell as the voice of the Penis!

  15. I’d buy it…BTW I’m your neighbor in Mission Viejo 🙂

  16. Maybe I need to start focusing less on less sex and having more of it. You’re sending big waves of positivity, Neil. Wooo-hoo.

  17. Mrs. Mamma — Here, here.

    Princess — Nice to know. I wish they all could be California girls.

  18. Nah, Will Ferrell is lame casting as the P Man. It should be Robin Williams for sure.

  19. SOPHIA! Neil is pilfering your pain meds again…or maybe should be?!?

  20. You so make me laugh about your Dooce comment! I am sure you could find a way to make it all work in a book. Really.

  21. I know that Blogger on the east. She’s pretty easy.

  22. Can I get you “booked” on… Regis/Conan/Letterman/BET Television/Telemundo/to talk about your forthcoming bestseller “This Is Your Life, Neil Kramer!”

  23. Smoking pot again Neil?

  24. Greg — She really does get around! And then she had to nerve to tell me that she’s had much better IM sex with someone else, and then took me off her buddy list! Did that happen to you too?

    Pearl — Definitely BET! I try my best to reach the tough-to-please female African-American blogger demographic.

  25. I will be sure to read the book before I see the movie. That way you penis will have the voice of my imagination until it is replaced by Will Ferrell

  26. Hurrah! The penis speaks again at last, all is well in the world of Neil where overmocking otherness rules. Hurrah again!

  27. That last paragraph? Proof that you are quite skilled at writing fiction. 😉

  28. OK here’s your problem. (well one of your problems anyway) Book is so old skool. Go straight for a screenplay.

  29. I’m the only blogger not having sex? No wonder I have so few readers.

  30. colin firth all the way baby!!!
    i’d say this blog is about you and your dooce issues, get over it, she’s B.O.R.I.N.G.

  31. I knew I never should have started a blog.

    Daddy was right: “Who buys the cow when they can get the milk for free?”

    I’m just a literary slut, giving it all away….

  32. I’m having a contest for best book title for my blog. I’m not sure that would work here. But it WOULD be funny.

  33. Rant all you want against us mommybloggers, if it means I find fun like this…I’m all for it!

    Want flirt with a mommyblogger? 😉

  34. You can call me, 'Sir'

    May 18, 2007 at 5:21 am

    I believe that if you wrote such a book, it could legitimately be called “The feel-good book of the year” because everyone reading it would immediately feel better about themselves. Y’know. Comparatively. To you.

    I think you’d be doing people a great service, Neil. Your selflessness is inspiring.

  35. Flirt away, neilochka, flirt away…but remember … I sort of own a tiny piece of you … the very tiny piece … you know … and it looks like I’m going to have to comoe over myself to claim it soon!

  36. Flirt away, neilochka, flirt away…but remember … I sort of own a tiny piece of you … the very tiny piece … you know … and it looks like I’m going to have to come over myself to claim it soon!

  37. Send it to the publishers NOW.

  38. Dude. You’ve got yourself a best seller and a movie deal. Your mother would be so proud. I’m sure she’d tell you that if you ever got around to calling or writing her…

  39. Yours sounds like a great book–and you have a great blog to show that you’re “deserving.”

    as for that book on how to make your blog into a book, no comment.

    Went to a from blogger to author seminar in December. According to them if your blog is mentioned, at all, in the New York Times, you’re pretty much guaranteed a book deal.

    Two plus hours and that was all I got out of it.

    That and many bloggers who were in the audience have much more chutzpah than I do

    As long as I’m commenting–so many bloggers who don’t have the product (content) that you do have used their blogs to great financial advantage.

    Me I lose money on my blog, but kinda love it, so…..

  40. Yeah, I’m in the same boat. My blog is about the Daddy blogging thing, but also so many other things. It’s hard to narrow it down to just one or two things.

    Maybe that’s why no one wants a book from me! Whaaaaaaa!

    Oh, yeah – party update on today’s blog. June 2nd, yanno.

  41. I love that all the international mastery mentor could say was “wow wow wow” and “yahooooooo”!!! I can’t wait to turn my blog into a book. I feel so empowered now. Thank you!!

  42. You know Neil, the g/f and I are still waiting for your book to come out, because we know it’ll be fabulous.

    And sorry also for not having been around sooner. I heard the news about Sophia and hope the best for a speedy recovery!

  43. About turning the blog into a book, there’s somebody who does it for free: http://www.lulu.com/promos/blooker/index.php
    Apparently they have awards for this too: http://www.lulublookerprize.com/

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