The Kevin Federline Concert I Never Attended

kevin2.jpg

This morning, I went to a local coffee shop to have some scrambled eggs and toast. Sophia and I used to go to this place all the time, but after they got a grouchy new manager, Sophia didn’t like it anymore. But I’m a creature of habit, so I sometimes still go there by myself.

When I sat down, Denise, the waitress, waved at me. She has spiky blond hair and has been working on her real estate certificate for seven years.

“Hey there!” she yelled “Haven’t seen you for a while!”

“Been busy.”

It was a lie. I just didn’t have the heart to tell her that Sophia was boycotting the coffee shop.

“You’re a celebrity around here.” she said, coming over to shake my hand. “We all saw you on TV last week.”

“You did?”

“In Long Beach. At that concert of Britney Spears ex-husband.”

I paused, giving myself enough time to scrunch my face in confusion.

“It was you AND your wife.” she continued. “They interviewed you. I recognized your accents. I called up Kathy and said, “Turn on Channel Five. Look who’s on TV!””

“Sorry. That wasn’t us.”

“Sure it was.”

“Maybe it was people who looked like us.”

Denise shook her head, confident in her opinion.

“No, no, no. It was Britney Spear’s ex-husband. What’s his name?”

“Kevin Federline?”

“That’s right. You were at the Kevin Federline concert in Long Beach.”

“I would have remembered that.”

“It was you AND your wife.”

“Maybe Sophia was out with another man.” I joked.

“If she was, it was with someone who looked and sounded just like you!”

Denise beckoned to another waitress.

“Kathy come here!” she screamed across the coffee shop. “Didn’t we see him and his wife on TV?”

“That’s right.” answered Kathy, as she came over, carrying two pots of coffee. “It was Britney Spear’s husband. I saw you being interviewed by the Asian woman on Channel Five.”

“Sorry. It wasn’t me.” I said, trying to make the statement as strong as possible.

“You’ve never been on Pine Avenue in Long Beach?” asked Denise

“I have.”

“So maybe you just don’t remember being at the concert.” she snapped back. “Men are like that. Were you drinking?”

“Men.” spoke Kathy. “Men don’t remember anything other than where to stick it in. Ask your wife. She’ll remember you going.”

“Nah.” I said, finally getting a little annoyed. “I’m pretty sure neither of us was there.”

“Ask her.” said Kathy rather sternly, as she poured me some more coffee. “It was you.”

Blog Flashback: When I was recognized as “Kirk” from the Gilmore Girls

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34 Responses to The Kevin Federline Concert I Never Attended

  1. Hilly says:

    Geez that’s like the equivalent of them telling you that you ate a pile of shit over and over again, when you know you did not. What kind of person likes K-Fed? Of course, maybe you were so stunned by his awesomeness that you have blocked the whole thing from your memory? Could happen ;).

  2. Hilly says:

    Woo Hoo, I’m number one! I’m number one!

    Okay, done with the stalking.

  3. Sweet says:

    She’s probably right. I bet you just blocked it out since it was such a traumatic experience.

  4. psychomom says:

    Two Neils?
    There was some guy on TV the other day and he would find people’s look-a-like and take photos of them together. It is kind of spooky to know there are duplicates of us out there. That was one of the main reasons I wanted boys when I was pregnant. The thought of a little me running around scared the hell out of me.

  5. fringes says:

    Here’s my bet: the guy interviewed was so embarassed to be caught on tape at a K-Fed concert, he gave his name as Neil Kramer, the only other guy in L.A besides himself too wussy to say to his wife: I do not want to go to that concert, dear.

    He knew it was a believable alias. He knew the waitresses at the coffee shop both you and he frequent would fall for his ruse.

    You were set up.

  6. lol, have you been drinking!!!
    maybe you should have been asking her that very question.
    btw, how was the concert? can we expect a review? maybe a pic?

  7. girl and dog says:

    Oh come on! Admit it, you looooove K-Fed!! ;)

  8. Brooke says:

    That’s the mortifying thing I’ve ever heard.

  9. Non-Highlighted Heather says:

    I’ve got one word for you. PopoZao.

  10. I’m going to be singing that damn Popozao song for the rest of the night now.

  11. Serena says:

    If you had gone to a K-Fed concert, I might have had to boycott you.

  12. Lefty says:

    Hey, Neil! I wasn’t at that K-Fed concert, too!

  13. jleeody says:

    I never would have guessed that you are a closet K-fed fan!
    My world is crumbling…

  14. Two Roads says:

    Does it seem strange that exactly a year ago you were also mistaken for someone else? Playing along sometimes is alot more fun than trying to insist it wasn’t you.

  15. Churlita says:

    Holy cow. You and Sophia both have evil twins. It’s funny that they’re together too. Unfortunately, your twins aren’t just evil, they have horrible taste.

  16. Killer says:

    I think I saw you and your wife at a Clay Aiken concert in Tennessee. I’m pretty sure it was you.

  17. V-Grrrl says:

    I actually like K-Fed more than Britney, of course, that’s not saying much…and the Superbowl commercial? I give it a 10.

  18. Blitz Krieg says:

    Come on Neil, we won’t think any less of you because you attended a Federline concert….at least not for long…..I’m embarassed for you.

  19. Jennifer says:

    Did you at least get his autograph???

  20. Neil says:

    If I WAS there, I would have gotten it.

  21. Danny says:

    Going to a Fed-Ex concert would be SO horrific it would almost make it a cool thing to do—like attending a Menudo concert or seeing Celine Dion’s Vegas show. I wish you HAD gone. Knowing how my memory is these days, and how we’re very close in age, I’m still not entirely convinced that it wasn’t you on TV.

  22. Lux Lisbon says:

    This often happens to me. My lack of remembering is usually caused by my intake of too much Rioja.

  23. Dagny says:

    I think you wanted us to know that you attended the Fed Ex concert but just couldn’t bring yourself to admit it.

  24. Finn says:

    Oh, come on, admit it, you’re a closet K-Fed fan. It’s OK, we all have our vices.

  25. august says:

    Oh my gosh. I had something similiar happen to me twice. You just gave me an idea for like 10 future posts!

  26. ms. sizzle says:

    “were you drinking” – that’s priceless. they sure do have a high opinion of men. i am picturing Flo from Mel’s Diner without the chewing gum.

  27. Kiki says:

    My husband, Bobby, has a doppleganger too; A local weatherman who cheated on his wife with another newscaster and they both left their respective spouses for each other. Bobby even knows her ex-husband, a local cop. He has told Bobby that he is much better looking than that weather guy. Hey, maybe you could get a copy of the tape from the tv station and see yourself for yourself. An interesting study in peception, don’t you think?

  28. EEK says:

    When K-fed played in Chicago a few months ago at House of Blues, they were forced to give away a lot of the tickets right before the show was starting in order to fill the audience.

    I was on my way to a happy hour with a few friends after work and one of the concert people kept harassing me outside to take a ticket. The price was right, but I really wanted a drink so I turned them down.

    My point is, if you’re still looking for that perfect Valentine’s gift and K-fed’s still playing in the area…you might be able to get yourself some free concert tickets.

  29. Karly says:

    Can’t imagine why your wife wouldn’t want to go to that coffee shop? The employees sound delightful!

  30. jamelah says:

    There’s no shame in admitting you love K-Fed.

  31. Akaky says:

    Damn, Neil, you finally got your fifteen minutes of fame and it wasnt even you. How surreal is that?

  32. Alexandra says:

    It WAS you. I also saw you there.

  33. Neil says:

    I had to look up that PopoZao reference. I had no idea what you were talking about.

  34. Non-Highlighted Heather says:

    I only know because I listen to Kevin and Bean on KROQ.

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