Citizen of the Month » Ask Me Any Question!

Ask Me Any Question!

I noticed today that a few of my favorite bloggers, including Ms. Sizzle and Karl, and Fringes, requested that their readers ask them personal questions, which they then answered on their blog. I thought this was a great way to get to know these bloggers in a more intimate way. I’m really curious to learn what questions you would ask me. Unfortunately, I’m not as patient as Ms. Sizzle, Karl, or Fringes and I don’t feel like sitting around all day answering your questions.

So, here is my idea. Go ahead and ask me a personal question. The next commenter should then answer the question for ME, as ME. After answering the question, the commenter then ask me a NEW question, to be answered in turn by the next commenter AS ME, etc.

Here is an example:

Comment 1:

Question: Neil, what is your favorite color?

Comment 2:

Neil: My favorite color is Green.

Question: Neil, have you ever been in a threesome?

I realize that most of the answers will be wrong, but what do I care? I hope you enjoy getting to know me a little bit better!

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: The Beechers of San Diego

Tags: getting to know you, personal life

66 Comments so far
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Question: ok, which is your favourite short story?
and
which is your favourite poem?

and no, nursery rhymes and fairy tales not allowed.

Neil: you didn’t follow the rules! I’ll only answer one question - so the answer is “The Door” - it’s now up to you to figure out which question I answered.

Question: Neil, what is this thing stuck on the bottom of my shoe?

Neil: Awww… no Little Mermaid?

My favourite short story is “The Lottery” by Shirley Jackson.

And my favourite poem is “somewhere i have never travelled” by e.e.cummings.

Question: Neil, what do you really think about the color purple?

Neil:I love the colour purple. It reminds me of Prince, and Prince is a man/symbol I have adored my whole life.

Everything I own is purple, even my wife’s bathrobe is purple.

It’s ode to the man who wears tight pants who I wish to be.

Question: Neil, why do people stand in line so long at McDonalds trying to figure out what to order?

Neil:They are struggling with the inner battle of healthy vs. orgasmically mouth-happy.

Question: What did you most fear as a child?

Neil:snakes!!! i still do.

Question: how do you take your coffee?

Neil’s Penis: I take my coffee with a red-hot big-titted babe attached to the coffee cup.

Question: So if they made a movie about your life, who would you cast as yourself?

Neil: Well George Clooney or Brad Pitt of course, but I’d have to see them in purple bathrobes.

Question: Neil, why are we doing this?

Neil: To find out how close perception and reality are.

Question: How many fistfights have you (Neil) been in over the course of your life?

Neil: One-when I was 8 and it was a fight about a girl.

Question: When and why did you move out to LA?

Neil: L.A.’s one cultural advantage - that you can make a right turn on a red light - was far too compelling.

Question: What’s the most complex dish you ever cooked?

Neil: Waldorf Salad.

Question: Neil, what would it take for you to sleep with another man?

Neil: A small non-debilitating stroke and a vat of lubricant.

Question: Neil: Why won’t you just listen to Sophia?

Neil: I get her voice confused with all the others in my head. Hers is the one with the Russian accent isn’t it?

Question: What music will you take with you to the desert island?

Neil: I’m a man, duh!

Question: Does the carpet match the drapes?

Neil: Gee, two questions to answer.

Of course the carpet matches the drapes, they are both purple.

I would take the soundtrack to the Curious George movie to a desert island. I love Curious George!

Question: Oops. I forgot to ASK a question.

What is your most admirable trait?

Neil:That I am daring enough to actually do such a stupid post.

Question: Did you watch American Idol this week and did you think they were too “mean” to the contestants?

Neil: Yes.

Question: Are you so addicted to blogging that you promised yourself not to read the comments until tonight, but woke up early just to see what people wrote like a crack addict needing his fix?

Neil: No…i revelled in my own curiosity all day long because I have a real thing for self torture.

Question: Have you ever been in a threesome?

Question: Neil,

Might you want to pen a screenplay? Could I work with you?

Neil: Seriously? YES!

Question: Chocolate or tuna salad?

Neil:Do I have to pick between chocolate or tuna salad? Why not save time and frustration and have tuna chip cookies?

Question: What is more heinous–Necrophilia or beastiality?

Neil: Beastiality of course…the poor animal knows what’s happening.

Question: How do you get all of your readers to do whatever you tell them to do?

Neil: I pay them in sex or money.

Question: What would you prefer sex or money?

Neil: Sex. Are you kidding? I have a freaking talking penis!

Question: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?

Neil: Colorfully.

Question: How many languages does your penis speak?

Neil: 7 including Mandarin and Swahili. It’s a well educated and travelled penis.

Question: NY or LA?

Neil: 358.

Question: Do you let you penis talk to people on the street?

Neil: Dawg! Two questions again- okay, I’m game.

LA, cause that is where my dear Sophia is.

And no, my penis only speaks in this blog and privately to Sophia, hence the LA!

Question: When will you quit with the seperated nonsense? You and Sophia know you are meant to be together. You, Sophia and all of us!

Neil: We’re actually not separated, but one time my Penis told this hott chick we were and before I could correct him, it was me, three chicks and a 40 of High Life. What’s a guy to do!?

Question: What’s your favorite joke?

Neil: Two cannibals were eating a clown. One turns to the other and says, “This tastes funny …”

Question: Soda or Pop?

Neil: Soda. Pop is my dad.

Question: Neil, why do airlines pass out pretzels instead of peanuts these day?

Neil: It’s been shown that terrorists prefer peanuts to pretzels, so it’s an effort to cut down on terrorism on planes. Snakes, too. Snakes prefer peanuts and rats.

Question: Do you prefer peanuts or pretzels? (And yes, this is a test to see if you are a potential terrorist. Or snake.)

Neil’s penis: peanuts…come on now!

Question: When are you going to start working on the script for your sitcom?

Neil: My penis is much like a snake… A really big snake so he likes peanuts and rats. Personally, I like peanuts and pretzels. This doesn’t mean I’m part terrorist, only that I have a hard time making decisions.

Question: Neil, if you could be any animal, which would you be?

Neil: Why, a stallion, of course! My penis agrees.

Question: Neil, what was your most embarrassing moment as a child or teenager?

Neil: Most embarrassing? That would be age eleven.

Question: You are so witty - were you always this way?

Neil: Witty? Do penises talk?

Question: What did you dream of last night?

Neil: A talking vagina.

Question: Favorite IHOP menu selection: Rutti Tutti Fresh & Fruity, stuffed French Toast Combo, or Grilled Liver?

Neil: Grilled liver with a nice box of the Franzia.

Question: To trim or not to trim….and I’m asking your penis.

Neil’s Penis: No trimming. I like to hide in the bushes.

Question: What’s your favorite pick-up line?

Neil: You can’t spell “unique” without U-N-I (you and I).

Question: If you had to pick one, which would it be, freeze dried vagina or freeze dried Nova?

Neil: I can’t even bear to imagine a cold dry vagina. So, Nova, of course.

Question: Tango or Salsa dancing?

Neil: Neither; I prefer doing the Lambada, even if it’s out of style.

Question: What do you consider to be your best piece of writing?

Neil: That piece over there, on the desk. It’s fabulous!

Question: Blondes or brunettes?

Both of course!

Seriously, no trimming?

Neil: Trimming is for pussies.

Question: What is black and white and read all over?

oops! I meant “red” hahaha!

Neil: LingLing the Panda during her time of the month.

Question: I’ve read somewhere that menses is chock full of stem cells. How would you go about collecting them?

Neil: Why in a centrafuge of course. i’m all for stem cell research…and I am a Real man..The word MENSES doesn’t creep me out one bit. Nice try though!

Question: Do you sometimes feel like a puppet master? Are you a power freak?

Mwah-ha-ha-ha!! I am the master of my own domain! Let the ground quiver when faced with my… my… uh… hmm. (ahem) next question, please.

Neil, where do babies come from?

Neil: Why from China and Africa, of course! Just ask Angelina and Madge…

Question: What type of parasite would you prefer? A parasitic twin living inside you, or a Botfly?

Neil: Definitely the parasitic twin; at least it’s mostly ME. Any animal tat burrows into me makes me throw up in my mouth.

Question: Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?

Neil: I was going for the Batman look but somehow the spell got all mixed up and I got black birds 4 and 20. Look closely and sometimes a pie comes out of the sky too.

Question: What’s love got to do with it?

Neil’s Penis: I really don’t care about love as long as I’m getting some. Of course, I will use the L-word if it means I will get some.

Question: What’s the meaning of life?

Neil: Circus Peanuts. You know those orange floppy pieces of weirdly shaped peanut like candies. Yup, Circus Peanuts people.

Question: What’s the deal with you and Sophia? Are you divorced or back together? Or what is the story?

Neil: Oh, it’s just so complicated. I wish I knew. I feel as though I’m going with the flow of a flash flood, sometimes, trying to keep my head above the water.

Question: How many roads must a man walk down?

Neil: Is this a euphemism for “How many women must a man sleep with before he becomes a MAN?” If so, I hope the answer is 1.5, because that’s my record so far.

Question: What is it about Karla from karlababble.com that has you so obsessed about her?

Neil: Her adam’s apple.

Question: Have you always been a dude?

No, I used to be THE MAN, but then I moved to LA.

What do you think of Birkenstocks?

Neil: I saw this cute girl working at Starbuck’s wearing Birkenstocks so now I have them too and maybe when I order my soy latte, she’ll ask me out.

Question: Do you ever think of moving back to NY?

Only if I can drive cross-country in a Prius with my iPod and a few boxes of John Updike.

Question: Neil’s Penis, have you ever used Viagra?

Neil’s Penis: Schhhaaaa…me? Neil might need some every once in a while, but I sure don’t.

Question: How are your biceps doing these days, Neil?

Thank you, all for participating in my experimental post yesterday where you answered the questions for me AS ME. I should reveal now that this post was never about learning more about me. It was all about learning about YOU. As a budding Scienceologist, I have been asked by my superiors at Scienceology HQ to rehabilitate as many other bloggers into a state of total freedom as possible. I have analyzed your questions and responses in this trademarked Scienceology experiment, based on Dibanetics, and deem you all in need of the exact methodology to awareness (in layman’s terms: you need help big time!). Many of you seem to be totally obsessed with Neil’s Penis, even more so than Neil himself, and some of your questions were just downright silly. Dibanetics will teach you that envy and jealousy are false illusions. Just because you may not be as effective in the bedroom as Neil, does not mean you are without talents. Many of you can juggle, or do your own taxes, something even Neil cannot do. Scienceology will be able to unlock your spiritual potential across many lifetimes, putting you on the proper path. You will be receiving more information on Dibanetics via email, along with information on making your penis grow 3 inches in 3 days.

i’m so glad i didn’t participate. for a joiner, it was hard for me to refrain but now i see the benefits.

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