(Three Women by Fernand Leger)
Thank you for all the nice things you said about my dancing debut on Citizen of the Month. I was frankly surprised by the positive reaction, especially from female bloggers. In fact, I’d like to talk about this response by the women… just with the men.
Privately.
Women — would you be kind enough to shut off you monitors for a few minutes so I can talk to the men alone. Thanks.
Men — did you see that response to me dancing? The babes were practically throwing themselves at my feet! Who knew that putting on an old suit has that effect? But isn’t it a little ironic that women are doing this at the EXACT moment when I’m making a romantic gesture to my wife? Where were they a month and a half ago? Why didn’t they do this when I was so horny I was writing pornographic children’s stories? Do you remember when Sophia first left town, I actually asked female bloggers to ease my pain by sending me photos of themselves topless.
Do you know how many tits I got to see? NONE!
Here I was back then — alone, and no one even swung their bra in the air for my amusement. But I do a little dance step FOR SOPHIA, and all of a sudden they’re throwing me their panties? Are they crazy? Or do women just like to torture us?
I don’t understand women. Do you?
Female bloggers — you can turn on your monitors now!
Back to the post –
Thank you again, ladies. Here’s a story I think you’ll enjoy. There’s food in the story, and I know you women LOOOOVE to eat.
One of my favorite local bloggers is Sarah from The Delicious Life and Slashfood. She’s one of the best food bloggers out there. I’ve been bugging her for weeks to let me come along and see her in action. On Thursday, she relented. She invited me to join her in checking out Mao’s Kitchen in Venice. We decided that I would pick her up and we’d drive together to the restaurant.
Although this wasn’t a date in a romantic sense, I was still having some pre-”date” jitters. After all, I was picking up a cute woman at her apartment and going to dinner with her, and I haven’t gone on ANY type of date since…. well, since… Sophia.
You know that cliched romantic comedy movie scene where a woman puts on five different outfits before she goes on her date?
On Thursday, that woman was me.
I changed shirts three times, then stared in the mirror at the awfulness of my hair. As much as I tried to brush it, it seemed as if the ghost of Donald Trump’s hair had decided to move in. I used some of Sophia’s mousse, and since I never use this gooey junk, it just made my hair look like a helmet. I ended up taking a second shower just to shampoo it out.
I decided to take Sophia’s SUV, thinking it was the most comfortable ride. I jumped in and was about to drive off, when I noticed that the windows were filthy. This was not acceptable for me to pick up some glamorous food blogger in a muddy car.
I stepped out of the car and decided to do a quick washing with the garden hose. I’m sure my face registered pleasure as the grime and dirt slid off the car, that is until I noticed that the passenger window was half open and I was spraying water from the hose INTO the car!
(DO NOT TELL SOPHIA ABOUT THIS)
Four towels and a quick drying later, I was off to my “date.”
Once Sarah and I met, we clicked instantly. We fought our way through traffic to make it to Mao’s Kitchen, buying a bottle of incredibly cheap wine on the way (it was BYOB). While Sarah liked the atmosphere of the restaurant, I thought it was pretentious. There was a “Mao’s Communist China” theme to the menu and all the dishes were creatively named after something from the period. For instance, the egg rolls were called “peasant rolls.” There was a “Gang of Four” fried rice. Call me overly-sensitive, but should you make Disneyland kitsch out of a regime where so many people were murdered?
But what do I know? The place was packed with trendy people. Maybe I should open up a trendy shish-kabob stand and sell young Hollywood types the Saddam Hussein Pita Sandwich.
As Sarah and I got drunk (actually, it was mostly me), the mood changed between the two of us. We stopped our joking and our gossiping about blogging. Our conversation became intimate, as it frequently does when a man and woman sit across from each other in a dimly-lit restaurant. Yes, you guessed it. I blabbed on and on about Sophia and she talked about her ex-boyfriend.
When I told Sarah that my wedding anniversary was the next day, she couldn’t understand why I didn’t go to New York to spend it together with Sophia. I explained that I asked Sophia SEVERAL TIMES if she wanted me to come to New York, and each time she said, “No.” Sophia told me that she was working long hours and didn’t want to get distracted by me, so I listened to her.
Sarah didn’t buy the story. She insisted that I SHOULD have gone anyway, despite what Sophia said.
“That makes no sense.” I said.
“To a woman it does,” she answered.
The next morning, I told Sophia about my conversation with Sarah.
“Sarah was right,” said Sophia. “You should have come to New York. We could have gone out for our anniversary.”
“But you told me explicitly NOT to come!” I cried. “I would think you would be pissed off at me if I just showed up.”
“I would be pissed off. Very pissed,” she answered. “But if I opened my door and you were there, holding flowers, I would be very impressed that you were there, despite what I said.”
“That makes no sense.” I said.
“To a woman it does,” Sophia answered.
Women – would you be kind enough to shut off you monitors for a second time so I can speak freely with the men? Thanks so much for you patience.
Men — WTF?! Do you hear that craziness?
I don’t understand women. Do you?
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: My Class Action Suit
nope, neither do i. do let me know when you do.
as someone else said it before me,
I know what women want, I think, but they won’t tell me because I’m expected to know. Now I’m more confused.
can’t believe it, i’m actually first??
The single most romantic thing my man did for me, ever, was to fly across the freakin’ Atlantic to help me move. WITHOUT TELLING ME. Conversations prior to that event went something like this:
J: Are you going to need help?
Me: Meh. I’ll be fine. My brother is coming up, I have a crew… I’ll be fine. Seriously.
Now, how do you supposed I showed my appreciation when, upon arriving home from a day out, I discovered my man was outside my building waiting for me?
A-hem.
Sophia makes perfect sense.
come on Neil… haven’t you watched/read romantic movies/books lately? women love it when their man do things against anyone’s will to win the love of his life. some sort of run to the hell and back.
well, not quite. but you should’ve learn now. sometimes, no is a yes and yes means yes. the art is to know which one which. tricky huh?
Be nice and you win the hearts of women.
Yes. It makes total, absolute, 110% sense.
Mind you, I have been married for 11 years, which has lowered the testosterone in my brain to undetectable levels.
Sophia was right – you should’ve surprised her. you boys need to learn you have to go that extra mile to get into our knickers, i mean good books….
fabulous dancing though Neil. that would have won me over (see? we’re not that hard to please really) x
Hmm, maybe it’s different when you’re married with kids but my first question to my man if he arrived unannounced with flowers would be ‘jesus, how much money do you think we have?! You caught a flight without checking with me first whether we could afford it?’
I think the video was cuter. Way cuter. 6 yo is in awe. Says he will do that for his girlfriend one day. Then again, he also has plans for once they are married – like to take her to the movies once a week and buy her popcorn and a big drink (he was very adamant on the big drink part) and leave the kids with me.
Just how long do you think *that* will last?
You better keep the cute stuff coming Neil, you’re a role model to a future generation here!
I love Peasant Rolls. Tianenmen Square shrimp cakes are also good.
Let’s say you would have went NY and impressed her. The impressiveness would have worn off and you would have to do something spectacular again a few months later.
You need to find a lower maintanance girl.
Well, I don’t know, Neilochka. I think that half the beauty, challenge, the mystery of life, is trying to understand each other whether we are men or women. So, I have no tips for you, as a woman I mean, because sometimes I react like a man … whatever that means!
Personally, I love surprises, on the one hand, and on the other – they freak me out!!
Although, you arriving at the door with flowers … well … let me rethink this …
I made a weblog out of a man who set himself on fire…
Women are just an unsolved mystery. They need to do an episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” about women.
“Today, the greatest unsolved mystery of all time (with the music going in the background) WOMEN!”
But look how far ahead you are now. Now, you know. Women are into the “grand gesture” thing. It doesn’t mean it actually has to be grand in distance or in price, just out of the norm. I’m guessing the mop dance went a long way, too because it was more than just flowers and a card. It was unique and that is the grand part.
Now you know, just think a little bigger. A little more. Chances are if it makes you nervous (wondering if she’ll like it, etc.) then it’s the right thing.
I just had a very similar conversation with my friend Frank. He was planning a first date… something boring like a movie… and I told him he needed to do something MUCH BETTER like a carriage ride, or going to the fair grounds, or going salsa dancing. He didn’t quite get it, but the point is… deep down every single one of us has this idea of a romance movie perfect relationship. In the romance movie of Sophia’s life she would have been swept away by your presence because how romantic is it that you just couldn’t bear to be away from her? In Frank’s date’s romance movie the first date is so charmingly quirky that she can’t forget it.
Always ask yourself… what would Tom Hanks do?
It’s usually ok to break the rules and not listen to what they say so long as the thing you’re breaking the rules with is romantic in nature.
I could never have done that if the woman told me specifically not to come. *Sigh.* Haven’t we all been taught that NO means NO? I just don’t get it. If I had been the woman in that situation and the guy showed up anyway, I’d be furious.
I remember that episode of “The Dick Van Dyke Show” when Laura and Rob are in a big fight but he has no idea why and when he asks she says, “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.” Why can’t they just tell us?
It is not just being nice as Mari pointed out. It’s the unexpected niceness. Like going to New York even though you have been told otherwise. Or like the ex of mine who used to occasionally show up with flowers just because.
Romantic is not doing as you’re told.
If I’d told you not to come because I thought you couldn’t afford it or didn’t have time and then you DID come, I’d be thrilled. If I’d told you not to come because I thought WE couldn’t afford it or I didn’t have time to see you, and then you DID come, I’d probably be pissed. It’s a thin line to walk, Neilochka.
I am on the side that surprises that are romantic are the grandest gesture of all for me. If I had told my boyfriend/husband not to come and he showed up in a suit with flowers – there definitely would have been a hands on the hips “I can’t believe you came” followed by an immediate drop of all clothes. We could figure out how to pay for the airfare later.
Oh yeah – also the dancing video – shows imagination and love. The fact that you actually put on a suit (old or new – when you could have just as easily been in a shirt and shorts) and got the best prop (mop) you had around the house would buy lots of points in my book of romantic gestures.
you changed shirts THREE times and that’s what you came up with?!?!
love the hair. don’t cut it.
It’s not fair. We (women) are not fair.
What if you had shown up in New York and she’d just worked 16 hours and, while happy to see you, needed her 5 1/2 hours of sleep before starting all over tomorrow? What then, oh, what then, Neil?
We make you read our minds, and then we are disappointed or angry when you get it wrong.
We want to control everything, and we want you to sweep us off our feet. And this is very tricky business, because it’s the surprise element that makes a gesture so romantic, but you guys are so (rightfully) afraid to make a wrong move and piss us off, that you often err on the side of… nothing.
We are strong, independent women, and please don’t ever challenge that. But we always want to be on that pedestal, we want a cowboy, we want to be overpowered with your desire to please us; we want so much to be wooed.
Guys, you can’t figure this out?
i actually thought you should have gone too, it would have been such a wonderful surprise. i still think that video was incredibly romantic and she is going to love that you’ve done it. any questions about women should be directed to your penis. he would have insisted you went to visit sophia knowing it would have meant he would have gotten some!
I don’t understand women either. I knew a guy who showed up unexpectedly to suprise his wife on her birthday and she was with someone else.
You can’t be expected to read other peoples minds and you owe it to people you love to be open and honest and say what you want.
What, you think Orwell’s inspiration for doublespeak came out of nowhere? Poor bastard was married.
All women will hate me as I write this…But what the heck. Girls…time to grow up. If Sophia wanted you to come..she should have said..”I’m busy as hell..but miss you madly. Get your ass on the plane.” IN ENGLISH. SO YOU UNDERSTAND.I like Sophia very much.I like the look of her..the spunk of her, her cool hair, her cool job. But I sense what she’s going through is more internal..than you. “These big day” expectations have lots of baggage.
THE most romantic thing that ever happened to me was this..Pre 9/11.. dropped old b-friend off at the gate to go back to college. Dresses in his NROTC dress whites.(Officer and gentleman yummy) Cry, weep, sob…ineveitable. Known parting..but still hard. He had to go. I was half way down the gateway thingy. I was in his arms..He had left the plane. come back for me. What made it romantic…was their was no hidden agenda.It was all him. Girls..stop telling them what to do all the time..Let them be themselves. I thought your dance was ubersweet.
You’ve definitely got rhythm. Simulating your wedding dance with a mop was a grand gesture in and of itself. You should be proud.
Your post reminded me of this joke:
A man is walking on the beach and finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie comes out. The genie says, “For saving me from my captivity, I will grant you one wish.”
The man says, “Well, I really don’t like planes or ships and I think a lot of people are like that, but I think they really want to go to Hawaii, like I do. So I wish for a bridge from the U.S. mainland to Hawaii.”
The genie says, “Are you crazy?!?! Do you realize how much work that is!?!? I’d have to create the architecture, put in those really deep pillars all the way to the ocean bottom, and then create the bridge! That’s insane! I’m not doing that! Come up with another wish.”
The man says, “Okay, I’ve always wanted to understand women, I mean, really understand women. Understand why they feel they way they do, why they think the way they do. What makes them tick, what makes them happy, what makes them sad. So, my wish is that.”
The genie says,”Two lanes or four?”
Hmmm…a simple question here: why does Sophia get to call the shots? It was your anniversary, too. Did she do something nice for you, make you feel love and desired?
In the most romantic of situations, you wouldn’t have asked, you’d have just shown up. On the other hand, as a reader here, Sophia scares me. I’d have asked permission, too. But if I kept hearing ‘no,’ – crazy production schedule or not – I think I’d start looking elsewhere…
(from someone who obviously is mystified by your relationship! I apologize for my seriousness.)
For lighter fare, how was the food at Mao’s? I tried to eat there once and encountered flavorless grub, which is tragic since it’s stumbling distance from my home.
Adding the element of surprise makes romance all the more sexy… But, that said, I personally like to know everything in advance.
Women readers: Please turn off your monitors one more time or just skip over to the next comment, this one doesn’t concern you. Thanks so much.
Neil and Men: Oh my God, a lot of these women really ARE insane! How do we do it? To quote one of my mentors:
PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Why can’t a woman take after a man?
Men are so pleasant, so easy to please.
Whenever you’re with them, you’re always at ease.
Would you be slighted if I didn’t speak for hours?
COLONEL PICKERING:
Of course not.
PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Would you be livid if I had a drink or two?
COLONEL PICKERING:
Nonsense.
PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Would you be wounded if I never sent you flowers?
COLONEL PICKERING:
Never.
PROFESSOR HIGGINS:
Well, why can’t a woman be like you?
Uh, Deezee, I had a little bit of this conversation with Sophia as well. Thanks for being honest, even though you will now end up on Sophia’s “shit list.” Sophia has romantic visions of what a man should do, like getting flowers on Valentine’s day. But I’m a bit of a “girl at heart” myself. Why shouldn’t I get flowers of Valentine’s Day as well?
Oh boy, Deezee — you are in so much trouble now… (and since you were married to a Russian as well, you know trouble…)
Oh, and Mao’s food was like Panda Express, just twice as expensive.
Early on in my marriage I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said “Nothing.” I made the mistake of taking her literally, got her nothing, and she was pissed at me for a month.
Honestly, I think it’s a pretty screwy system when we expect the men in our lives to walk around like Miss Cleo, reading our minds and divining our wishes.
That being said, here’s where I think things get tripped up. Nature has deemed us to be child bearers, thus care givers. Part of care giving is being intuitive; anticipating and understanding the needs of those you care for. That’s not to say all women are intuitive and all men are not, there are exceptions in all cases. However, I think women have an edge when it comes to meeting emotional needs. I’ll be married 16 years in December and I’ve learned that even though having to spell out what I want from my husband seems less romantic than him just knowing, it’s far more romantic than us fighting about it and then spending the rest of the night grousing. And in his defense, he’s gotten pretty damn good at knowing what I want. He’s the best of men. But you come a close second, Neil dear.
We’re definitely crazy, but you guys can’t help but dig it.
Ok, the dancing touched my heart. It was sweet and funny and very romantic. And you aren’t supposed to understand everything about us. Then there would be no mystery – and the mystery is what keeps you coming back.
maybe you should have realized that making sense to a man is something we decide to stop doing after a certain point. If your species would pay attention the first time around, instead of us having to repeat ourselves about these idiosyncracies, then it may be easier for us to understand each other.
but then again, maybe not.
hope you had a good anniversary celebration despite it all!
Neil,
Will I have company on Sophia’s shit list or is it a lonely little list? That could be another set of links on your blogroll…’Sophia’s Shit List.’ We could form a club, have drinks together, confess our Sophia sins. It could be fun.
(btw, my Russian only murdered me with the silent treatment, so I don’t think I know what rage looks like in the real world…should I be scared?)
No, Deezee, the silent treatment is pretty much the traditional Russian technique. Every once in a while there is a broken dish for dramatic purposes, but the bark is worse than the bite. But doing a little dance usually fixes things pretty quickly.
I have to say, I agree with Deezee. I don’t see that Sophia is doing a whole lot to win or celebrate YOU. I think you did plenty with that video. I’m a woman, and when I say “no, don’t come”, I mean it. So what’s with the game-playing? Isn’t Sophia the one dating around and keeping the distance? I think she should be doing more for you if she intends to stay married to you (seperated or not). I think you deserve more than you are getting. (Shit list, here I come…)
Mo,
Nice to know I’ll have company…
I’m waaaaaay older than your average reader, Neil Doll, and have mucho experience with men. I’ve been married twice…currently for 15 years.
Even when I say “no” to Hubby, it’s always nice to be surprised with something special and unusual. Sometimes practicality (brain) takes over, but the heart craves the romantic gesture, even if we don’t voice the craving. Sigh…you’ve gotta go with your gut/heart on these matters!
I know that I would totally melt if Mr. Larry even thought about doing something so romantic for me. Double sigh.
Neilochka and the Male Readers–turn off your monitors!
So grrrl friends, who would have thought Neilochka would get all nervous over a date with a food blogger? After that little dance with the mop and the picture book porn post and all the hemming and hawing about magic orbs, I would have thought he had a thing for mommy bloggers. Go figure! Men, they’re a mystery!
Deezee and Mo, add me to the shit list too. I agree – if we want something we should ask for it. I also think that the more we tell a man what we like and dislike he won’t have to “figure” out what is romantic and what isn’t. I hate games. The passive/agressive type (to say “don’t come Neil” and then say “You should have come to New York” is outright messing with your emotions.
Oh boy, I’m really going to be on the shit list. Might as well just add me to the No. 1 spot.
By the way I have real strong emotions about behavior like this – I gave this game playing up a long time ago – it doesn’t work and I run from any man who trys to pull that crap on me too!
Uh-oh, now I’m going to get in trouble, too — and I’m going to have to do another dance later. Sophia does romantic gestures too — she loves to buy me things — and she has been sending me cute photos and notes the whole time she is there, as well as calling me 3x a day — but she is pretty “traditional” when it comes to romantic holidays and anniversaries, where she likes “the man” to be in charge.
And Jody, Sophia is NOT passive-aggressive — that is for sure. I am the passive-aggressive one. And she probably wouldn’t have liked it all that much if I came to New York unexpectedly. She might have been impressed, because she herself never follows “the rules,” but I don’t know if she would have found it as “sexy” as I imagined. But then again, I didn’t do it, so I don’t know…
And remember… we are separated… so things are more complicated… even though we clearly care about each other…
aw, that’s too bad…i gotta say though, you mens are just as confusing.
I know we’re all curious about your relationship, especially because you’re seperated. Anniversary’s tend to come with a lot of expectations although the element of surprise, is a nice touch. That said, I think your dance sequence was a romantic gift for your anniversary, especially since you’re in different states. However, I do wonder as the other shit listers have questioned, whether you get what you need, back.
Hmmm… I do… most of the time. But I never did go see a therapist to discuss these issues, like I promised I would in a post a while ago…
Hey, I’ve eaten at Mao’s. I had some friends who used to live near there. I agree with you on the decor, but the food was pretty good. Take-out made a nice compromise.