Citizen of the Month » Pee Like a Man!

Pee Like a Man!

(Manneken Pis in Brussels)

Male Bloggers,

Let’s be honest with ourselves. Female bloggers are selfish. We write posts about issues that matter to them: body image, fashion, mommyblogging, breast cancer, etc. — but when it comes to OUR issues, they are strangely silent. How else do you explain the lack of outcry on this story from Norway — ?

The head of The Democrats Party, a splinter group of former Progress Party hardliners, Vidar Kleppe, is outraged that boys at Dvergsnes School in Kristiansand have to sit and pee.

Kleppe accuses the school of fiddling with God’s work, and wants the matter discussed at the executive committee level of the local council, newspaper Dagbladet reports.

“When boys are not allowed to pee in the natural way, the way boys have done for generations, it is meddling with God’s work,” Kleppe told the newspaper.

… [School Principal Anne Lise] Gjul told NRK (Norwegian Broadcasting) that the young boys are simply not good enough at aiming, and the point was to have a pleasant toilet that could be used by both boys and girls.

Can you imagine the humiliation that boys in Norway are going through? Why do we send troops to Iraq and not Norway? Is there anything more central to being a man than the joy of standing there, taking aim, and peeing? What boy wants to sit like a girl?

No wonder why Europeans are turning into a bunch of wusses.

I believe this is another step towards world domination by feminists. Does it surprise you that it it is School Principal ANNE Lise Gjul who is destroying the manliness of Norwegian men, a country once so famous for it’s virile men that a song was written about them — Norwegian Wood?

Pretty soon, I fear that men will be put into metal cages and President Hillary Clinton will sign a bill enabling women to marry their vibrators.

“Do you, Susan, take this pink vibrator…”

I say, enough is enough.

It isn’t our fault that we can’t aim very well.

Years ago, when men were really men, we used to shoot animals with bows and arrows and guns. We achieved our aiming skills through ACTION. Now “feminists” have decided that “hunting” and “killing” are bad for society. Is it any wonder we piss on the seat? Mothers teach their daughters about having their first period. Fathers DO NOT teach their sons how to pee.

I love you, Dad, but you really failed me in that respect.

Men, as a minority in this Dooce-worshipping female world of the personal blogger, I say it is time to turn back the clock. I want you, whether you or at home or at work, to STAND UP — Yes, right NOW, stand up, proudly walk to the bathroom, pull down your zipper with a sense of purpose, and take a PISS! Take that PISS standing up! Feel the cool Fall air. Listen to the sound the water, so much like the mighty Colorado River. Feel a bond with men throughout history — Abraham Lincoln, Alexander the Great, Douglas MacArthur — all men who urinated standing up. Yes, even Adam peed standing up in the Garden of Eden. Shout it out loud, “I am a man and I take a PISS standing up!”

You’re a man, for god sakes. Pee like one!

P.S. –

Neil’s Penis: Right on, Neilochka! That was so inspirational. Finally, you got some balls.

Neil: Thanks, Penis.

Neil’s Penis: Hey, how about tonight we go over and say hello to those two pretty roommates who moved in next door. Maybe we can **#$@ both of them in the $$%&, then *%$#* until the morning.

Neil: Are you crazy? “Lost” is on tonight!

Neil’s Penis: (sigh)

UPDATE –

Talk about feminists taking over European society! It seems as if the statue of Manniken Pis (little boy peeing) wasn’t good enough being Brussel’s long-time city’s trademark. In 1987 this statue of a girl urinating (Jeanneke Pis) was erected on the east side of the Impasse de la Fidélité / Getrouwheidsgang (Faith Alley), a narrow dead-end street some 100 metres long leading northwards off the restaurant-packed Rue des Bouchers / Beenhouwersstraat (Butchers’ Street). Now parents tell little boys that they have a “choice” over which method is more appropriate, but usually add that “George Bush, Ugly Americans, and “bad men” pee standing up and “peace-lovers” sit like a woman.”

Tags: feminism, life, Life in General, men, Norway, peeing, urination

78 Comments so far
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Wow.
You typed my name in capitals.
Wow.

Done! Taking a piss never felt so good. Except for that one time in college, but I digress.

Yeaah!
Oops, am a female blogger!

Fitèna

Maybe they should hook up all the little school kids with catheters. Then they could get rid of the bathrooms altogether.

Right on! men should be proud of their peeing heritage - especially that they are able to urinate against the wall of my building after they stagger out from the pub late at night… the true sign of a real man

destroying the manliness of Norwegian men

I think that ship sailed a looong time ago…

You may be kidding but I have to admit (with surprise) that if I had a son and heard he was being forced to pee sitting down I think I’d be as outraged as Vidar Kleppe. Not that I don’t understand the aiming thing. Going into my nephews’ bathroom in the middle of the night is to walk an obstacle course through puddles of urine. I actually think fathers should teach their son’s how to pee properly and I vow to do so if I ever have one. What a public service this blog is…

A year ago I was in the show Urinetown (the musical); it was all about the violation of urination rights of the good oppressed people of a ficticious town, a town like one you’d find in any musical.
So these issues are very near and dear to my heart.
Well, as you guessed, Hope took over her father’s business, instituting
a series of reforms which opened the public bathrooms to all the people,
to pee for free whenever they liked, as much as they liked, for as long
as they liked, with whomever they liked.
Still brings a little tear to my eye.

We debated this issue on my bloggie last winter.

What’s your stance on in the dark, middle of the night peeing? Do you sit or just let fly, despite the fact that you might be peeing in the sink?

Neil, I once dated a man who peed sitting down BY CHOICE. Uhm, change that to, “had a one-night stand with,” ’cause I was effing horrified. I want my men to be MEN for pete’s sake, and that includes standing urination and bad aim.

Ok, as a mom of a young boy who is teaching him “how to pee” and failing miserably, this post is like 9 kinds of hilarious…why am I teaching him to SIT ON A POTTY only to have him STAND FOR THE REST OF HIS PEEING CAREER? Ack. The injustice.

Yeah. My son has yet to figure out how not to pee all over the place. Aim? What’s that? Lifting the seat? Nope. Wiping up the mess? Heh.

On the other hand…I don’t want him to grow up to be like Felicity’s one night stand. So, you know, I deal with it.

I have a son who I have tried to get to stand up to pee, but he insists he has to sit down. When asked why he insists on sitting he says it is because he never knows when he is got to go poop also. He just wants to be prepared and the sad part is that about 90% of the time he has to poop also.

Neil, I am thrilled to see my hero and local landmark, Manneken Pis, illustrating your pissy post.

I have a statue of Mannekin Pis on my desk and one in the bathroom, and I also have a Monsieur Pis COCKtail spreader. I love for people to pick it up, ready to spread brie on water crackers, and then realize what they have in their hands.

But I digress.

I’m a bad woman married to a bad man who taught our son to pee sitting down. He didn’t learn there were other options until he went to kindergarten. I’m sure he’ll tell his therapist all about it in his 20s.

My friend Mike covered the Lorena Bobbitt trial in Virginia and a key point in the prosecution was that Lorena had RUINED John Bobbitt’s life because now he HAD to pee sitting down. Poor baby. He later went on to star in porn films–go figure.

my ex sits when he pees. he said it’s called a RESTroom for a reason (it might also have to do with the fact that he’s 6′4″ and a pisser from that height can get the walls a bit funky).

When I’m at school(work) I see peeing as a chance to sit down and hide for a bit. As a girl, what I don’t get is that communinal pee next to eachother thing you guys have going on…Do you really watch eachother..please explain.

Fabulous post. For a minute there (before I got to the Pee-Ess at the end) I was afraid Mr. Pee-nis wasn’t gonna, uh, stand up and say something. But I must side with Anne Lise. I have two sons and I am SICK of having to clean the toilet and mop the floor EVERY da#n$% time I want to go. AND I think someone should invent some sort of device that allows a woman to pee like a man. I’ve always wanted to jump out of the car and go behind a tree.

And now, every father should grab a coffee can, put it on the back porch, and teach their young boys to aim.

This is all part of our ultimate plan to take over the world, you know.

Danny — let’s see you write about THIS on the Huffington Post!

Edgy Mama — Peeing in the dark? Let’s just say there is a reason I am separated from Sophia.

Felicity — I just KNOW that guy was bad in bed.

Reba — How about teaching him first to pee standing up, then sitting down for the poop? Where are the men today? Society thinks it is more important to have a bunch of “queer” guys showing you what shoes to wear rather than the important things!

V-grrrl — I’ve added an IMPORTANT update to the end of the post showing how bad things are getting in Brussels.

Wendy — We DO NOT watch each other pee, although I do notice that many men look over at me in awe and astonishment. It could be because my penis likes to sing old Aerosmith songs while peeing.

It is so your fault if you can’t aim - if you want to pee like a man, then aim like one.

I wonder, though, how exactly this rule is being enforced?

Dana - there are devices that women campers in particular use to allow them to pee standing up. Can’t recall the name, but they’re made of coated paper and are like a crotch-shaped funnel.

I would think though that ther would still be clean-up to do.

And Neil? I have 2 sons and one husband, all of whom stand up to pee. Much to my irritation on house-cleaning days. Manly men all of them, but the splash-back is horrific.

Neil:
I can hardly believe this! Men ordered to sit and pee??? Yikes. That is just wrong. Thank you for bringing this outrageous injustice to the forefront so that we, men and women alike, can DO something ABOUT IT!!! Standing Peers, UNITE!

I pity the people who missed the original version of this post. The ending dialog was classic! Ah well.

As for teaching boys to aim…cheerios and/or cigarette butts. “sink the sub, son!” Oh, and having their first household “chore” they get be to clean the bathroom floor. I bought them rubber gloves and masks and whatever they wanted, but when they hit 7, that was their job. And suddenly, things dramatically improved…

Becky, I put it back for you. I listen to my readers!

I’ve seen Jeanneke Pis, and I am shocked and dismayed they don’t sell likenesses of her in the souvenir shops of Brussels. So what if she doesn’t make a good cocktail spreader (ahem), wouldn’t it be great to have her squatting on top of my monitor while my Mannekin Pis dude pees all day on the brass Eiffel Tower on my desk?

I, too, wonder how the peeing sitting down is being enforced? Perhaps there is a bigger concern to worry about in this situation?

Hysterical, as usual, Mr. Kramer.

Did you see Steven Colbert interviewing Jane Fonda and Gloria Steinem while he made them bake pie last night? That cracked me up. Damn feminists! ;p

I think we are missing the part where boys can pee all they like standing up - but if they make a mess they should CLEAN IT UP! For fuck’s sake.

Bravo. I’m currently very hungover (from a 1/2 price wine night debacle), and that just made me laugh out loud.

If you’re going to pee standing up, that’s all well and good, but I’ve had to step in more piss then I ever should have to because YOU people don’t know how to aim.

AIM!!!!!

Thanks Neil! It’s gratifying to know I can make a difference in this world.

I’m with those who say, “go ahead and stand, but then get down on your knees and mop up.”

When my daughter was 3, she saw a boy peeing standing-up outside and she was hooked. She mastered the art of peeing standing up outside, but I had to break her of the habit as it wouldn’t be socially acceptable once she got to school. I still maintain that anyone with the skills and the desire should be allowed to pee standing up.

There is a reason you should wear shoes in the bathroom. The freaking Norwegians have forgotten the joy of pissing out a campfire.

Neil,

I have to tell you that I appreciate a good bathroom post. That probably explains why I have so many.

BTW, as I shill for my blog may I add that this would be a great time to discuss urinal selection strategy.

Fight on men…

Amazingly, there are instructions online for females that wish to pee standing up, with aim… I tried it, made a mess, gave up.

Not to correct you Neil, but it is not usually the mother that teaches the daughter about her period, it is the school. Therefore I decree that Norway needs to teach little boys to take their manhood in their hands (no pun intended) and pee like a …man. (or boy). Sitting is for…me. Now lets send the troops in!

Sure is cute to see this particular post title in pink.

I was so inspired I didn’t bother walking to the bathroom. I think my cubemates were impressed.

I had something to say but Tim just left me speechless.

Personally, I prefer male penis and urination talk to girlie talk at times, which is probably why I have more male than female friends.

Now that is hilarious! giggles.

Right on! That is one of the priveleges of being a man, you dont have to compromise your stature by squating to pee.

sigh. haven’t been watching lost. I feel so ashamed.

I can’t tell you how much this piece increased my understanding of the world. Now I know why men always miss the toilet seat–because they don’t HUNT enough. Where are the herds of buffalo when you need them?

You know, I hear Tivo’s starting a new ad campaign: With Tivo, you can keep yourself and your penis happy!

Hi, my name is Mist. And I’m a female blogger.

I also can pee standing up. You probably didn’t need to know that.

Frankly, I’m surprised if dads don’t teach their sons how to pee into the toilet bowl. I thought that what you do is throw a ping-pong ball into the bowl so that have something to aim at. Or is this why so many males insist on peeing outdoors?

isn’t it an eye hand co-ordination thing? maybe you need to play more video games, cuz isn’t that a guy thing too?

Mist - would you be willing to pose for a statue?

For the ladies……

http://www.whizzy4you.com/index.htm

Brian — at first I thought it was a joke, but after reading about it, it’s actually a pretty clever product for camping, on the road, etc.

This whole entry and the comments had the running water effect on me.

Now I have to pee. Sorry for the overshare.

Hmmm. I dont actually consider a man a real man unless he is confident to pee standing up with the door open for me to see. If he needs to close the door and concentrate, he is a wuss. That must be the New Yorker talking in me!

I can pee standing up too, yet I choose not to. It’s comfier sitting down. No right or wrongs on that one. When it comes to female bloggers however, we talk about stuff, important to us, and I would love to hear the boys stuff but it’s not really out there for us to read and understand. Come on boys, blog with honesty, like Neilochka, let us read what you are thinking. Great post, want to get more contoversial but 1am is not the time to be getting into it.

i’m typing my comments by standing over the keyboard and pissing on the keys. yeah, my aim is that good

Michael, I guarantee you that every man is going to be laughing at that joke and every woman is going, “Yuch, disgusting.”

I’m so jealous…. I wish I had the option of standing and peeing. Like when you’re out doors, or wearing control top panty hose… it would be so much easier to whip it out as opposed to the de-layering/squatting thing.

I lived in Belgium for two years and I found Mannekin Pis to be a major let down, he’s really small. I always felt sorry for the tourists that rushed to take “clever” pictures of themselves with the little mannekin. There are so many more interesting and beautiful things to see…time would be better spent drinking a nice glass of Duvel than visiting either of the pissing kids.

I was inspired by your, well, inspiring words. With a song in my heart, I marched into the bathroom, dropped my pants and peed.
Then to my shame and dissapointment realized that, being female, the erect urination is not really the best or dryest way to show support.

Great post

Neil, Not only was he shamefully dreadful in bed, but he MISREPRESENTED himself by telling me beforehand that he was GOOD in bed. He lied, utterly.
And about that splashing stuff…my brother taught my son to flush WHILE peeing, because what creates the splash is urinating into standing water. If the water’s moving, the splash doesn’t occur.

Being a man of science, I just tried the experiment, Felicity. It sort of works, but you really feel rushed — and you end up having to flush twice, making it a real water waster and not very environmentally sound. Maybe someone can invent a perpetually rotating toilet contraption to keep the water spinning, like an electric eggbeater inside the toilet — as a way to save countless mothers from cleaning after their sons.

Neil…Neil…Neil…you are letting down your feminist fan club. “…save countless mothers from cleaning after their sons.”????? As other have said, give them a cleaning cloth and let them do it themselves. Or let those “poor excuse for a coach” dads do the cleaning.

Don’t forget that they also make us put down seat when we are done. Why do we have to touch the seat?

Hmmm…actually I seem to recall a product called Pee Shooters, which were some sort of target things to be aimed at while peeing standing up (sort of like Becky’s suggestion of using Cheerios, but more formally packaged/marketed). I never used them myself, of course, but I believe that my mother and another woman trained my brother to use them. How’s that for breaking stereotypes? Don’t ask for any details, as I did not participate in the training in any way.

Cheerios in the toilet? Targets? Did anyone ever think that maybe men are supposed to piss all over the place as a terrritorial sign, like a dog does in the street. I don’t hear women complaining about their cute little dog when he goes…

Just found a hi-tech solution!

Another good topic for Neil to riff on: the whole piss/pee thing. Real men need to take a piss. Women pee. Men who talk about pee-ing instead of pissing are either reverting to five-years old or have already had the cojones removed.

What is it about the word “piss” that so many don’t like?

absolutely damn right. I’m off to piss all over my toilet seat.

amazing colours in the other pics

I understand women’s wishes for us to sit while pissing, but I hate it when my knob dangles in the water or wipes against the side of the bowl. Surely I’m likely to catch some awful disease or virus?

Michael, I think “piss” sounds too aggressive and macho.

EEEKKK!!! What’s this world comin to? If some ole principal told me I had to sit down to pee…I imagine he or she…better move outta the way cuz I would probably just whip it out and pee on THEM right there!

By the way? How is this rule being enforced? Makes you wonder if you do not have some kinda female in the boys bathroom molesting children for “not aiming right.” I would show them how to “aim” alright!

How thou’st thy pee in a stream or in a drip?

A stream shall I cry!
For in drip I must wipe?

Pity thy pee.
For standing tall is my call.

i pee standing up.

All sexist feminists can burn in hell for their anti-male policies and hatred.

Well if Norway wants boys to pee like girls, Italy and France want girls to pee like boys– there are no seats, so we all have to stand. (And Turkey wants us all to pee like animals)

But in private– I know many French men who sit. Because they’re lazy gits!

I teach my boys to pee standing up by giving them a target for aiming. Cheerios, an American breakfast staple for over 80 years, float in the toilet bowl. Makes great fun for a little boy and helps him him practice good marksmenship.

[...] “Uh, Moses, that isn’t a false gold idol. V-grrrl sent this to me that after I wrote a post about the Peeing Boy of Brussels. And while I’m sure V-grrrl has money, I doubt she would send me anything made of real gold. My blog isn’t THAT good.” [...]

What a topic you guys are discussing about, peeing standing up or sitting down! So let me tell you some thing then, not bad if you know that in my culture the male people avoid peeing while standing! In my country it’s so, as my religion has recommended not to pee while standing, and to do it while sitting or squatting. I know there, they teach the kid when he can stand up, how to pee while standing, but it’s not so here. However, I am male and quite healthy, but I don’t pee while standing. You should consider that there are many different ways and theologies around the world.

To my own, peeing while standing is a nasty actions, also it does not feet a man’s character, that’s like you imagine a respectable man standing up still some where, his penis is out and his piss line in front of him! Who made the rule that males MUST stand up while urinating? And don’t relate it to the nature, potentially many things are natural as an ability; one can bring it out (gun), aim and kill, but he has choosing power, although he has the ability, but he may not do it if he is sane; one can just bring it out, aim and piss, but does it mean he can not do it in a way but that?

Why stand to pee? Why aim? Aiming is for the time when you are distant to your target and can’t be close to it, but when you can be close to it, and if you are sane, you prefer being close to your target than aiming to the target. So sit down and be relax, the name of the place you are doing that in, is rest room! And why you waste your time and energy in cleaning bathrooms? You can save it for more useful affairs by reducing the need of bathroom to be cleaned!

As for those who say “peeing while standing is of a few pleasures of a man!”, I should say that a man is more valuable than way of peeing places as his pleasure and property! It does not fit a man to consider that as his worth! Men have more valuable special abilities to be mentioned! And as for those who say “peeing while standing is much easier than doing it while sitting or squatting”, I should say that bending over and pulling down pants, and keeping a part of panties down for a while and aim for a while both need an attempt; and the fact that which one is easier for a person depends on habit. The way in which one’s habit is based on, is easier for that one, and to which you habit, it will be easier for you! As God has made the ability of peeing while standing easily in guys, it must have an advantage, and yes it has. In men’s jobs some times urgent situations happen, and some times they have to do some thing in a short time when the speed is important, and some times men have situations that they can’t sit or squat or are in places where sitting or squatting is not easily possible; in such times they can use their ability of peeing while standing easily. But these urgent times just some times happen, not always! So I think there should be a project for men to stop, or to say better, manage peeing while standing. One group are already doing that and their site is: http://www.mapsu.org . As I mentioned, there are some occations when it’s needed to pee standing up, then it happens for both men and women! So what should women do? So easy, they can instantly pee standing up using a small device, one is here: http://www.travelmateinfo.com/page002.html .
However, it will be great if the current way of peeing of guys in toilets and bathrooms, in the most parts of the world changes.

why do dogs lick their balls? -becasue they can,
its the same with us men.

Evolution has given us the ability to pee while standing, so why not embrace it!
-not to mention it is just Much quicker and easier.

(in fact i just did[at the bathroom of course])

I feel so guilty now. You see, I was raised with all girls. I was naive. I had no idea that men peed standing up, and since my experience with men was limited (two). . .well, there’s really no good excuse, is there? But I taught my son to pee sitting down. I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT THE ANCIENT CODE!

He discovered the joys of standing up in kindergarten when he watched other boys do it, and he never reverted to sitting. I did, though, make him clean the toilet every week until he got so sick of it that his aim improved.

I bet you’re sorry you made me a blog crush of the day now. Does my tremendous guilt mitigate the damages done?

You’re lucky he went to school, or you would have ruined him for life… and would have to spend a fortune in therapy. I’m glad he got the peeing position all set now.

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