What happens to our dreams? Where do they go? Time flies so quickly. Just this morning, I was thinking how little I’ve achieved in my life plan. Do you realize that I am an adult male, and I have yet to sleep with a black woman, an Asian woman, a Latina woman, an Australian woman, a Native American woman, a woman that was taller than me, a blond woman, a woman that wore high heels to bed, or a woman from 48 of the 50 U.S. States? It’s sad really, especially since I am always promoting “diversity.”
While I’m in a rut, sitting at home, still waiting for Sophia’s return, others are breaking new ground. Last night, I got a phone call from my childhood friend, Dennis. I was surprised to hear from him because it was 2AM in New York.
“You’ll never believe what just happened.” he said.
“What?” I asked, nervously, worried that the call was about somewhat sick or dead.
“I went to a retirement party at work, and I was carpooling with this woman from work. This younger woman. Debbie. She’s about 25. Very attractive. We get along really well. She’s very funny and we’re always joking with each other…”
“So… ?”
“So, on the way, we decide to stop…”
Oh my god, I’m thinking to myself. Dennis is married with two children. He is the most straight-as-an-arrow guy I’ve ever known. He actually used to LIKE going to synagogue on Saturday. He wouldn’t…
“I did it! I finally did it!” Dennis yelled. “She took out this little pipe and I smoked pot — for the first time!”
I sighed. At the same time, I knew this was a big moment for him.
“So, what did you think?
“I only had a few puffs, but I felt that floating sensation.”
“Did you like it?”
“It was OK. I’m probably not going to do it too often. Not that I’m afraid of getting hooked on the hard stuff, like heroin. It’s just, when do I have the time to smoke pot? I have work, I need to pick up the kids…”
“How much does it cost now?”
“I have no idea. I’m sure with inflation it’s gone up quite a bit since we were kids.”
“I suppose so. Well, congratulations, though. You are now officially a pothead.”
“Thanks. The Grateful Dead rule!”
After I hung up, I was jealous of him. He seemed so energized by this new experience. I bet you he got home and jumped into bed with his wife, a new fire in his eyes.
While Dennis might think I’m a marijuana expert, the truth is I haven’t smoked a joint since I was 14 years old, and I only smoked it a handful of times. And like President Clinton, I didn’t inhale much, afraid that the ashes would burn my throat or I would immediately get cancer. The first time I smoked pot was at a Yes concert at the Nassau Coliseum in Long Island. The few other times were in my friend Philip’s basement, as we listened to Pink Floyd over and over again. Just hearing “Dark Side of the Moon” now makes me dizzy.
So, as a true goody-two-shoed Citizen of the Month, I’m just one notch less nerdy than Dennis — and now with his pot-smoking, he’s leaving me behind. I’m officially the geekiest person I know!
I only felt worse when I saw this meme going around — different variations here, here, here, here, and here.
Fill in what you’ve “done”:
(x) Smoked a joint
( ) Done cocaine
(X) Been in love
( ) Had a threesome
(x) Been dumped
( ) Shoplifted
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
( ) Been arrested
( ) Made out with a stranger
(X) Gone on a blind date
() Had a crush on a teacher
(X) Been to Europe
(X) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Seen someone die
() Thrown up in a bar
(X) Met a celebrity
(X) Met someone from the internet in person
( ) Been moshing at a concert
( ) Gone backstage at a concert
() Lain outside in the grass and watched cloud shapes go by
() Made a snow angel
(X) Flown a kite
( ) Cheated while playing a game
(X) Been lonely
( ) Fallen asleep at work
() Fallen asleep at school
(x) Used a fake ID
() Been kicked out of a bar
(X) Felt an earthquake
( ) Touched a snake
() Slept beneath the stars
( ) Been robbed
(X) Won a contest
(X) Run a red light
( ) Been suspended from school
(X) Had braces
(X) Felt like an outcast
(X) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) Had deja vu
() Totaled a car
( ) Stolen a car
(x) Hated the way you look
( ) Witnessed a crime
() Been to a strip club
(X) Been to the opposite side of the world
(X) Swum in the ocean
() Felt like dying
() Cried yourself to sleep
() Sung karaoke
() Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
() Made prank phone calls
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
() Had a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
( ) Seen a tornado
(X) Had a wish come true
( ) Gone bungee jumping
() Screamed in public
( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) Had a one night stand
( ) Kissed a mirror
( ) Had a dream that you married someone
( ) Gotten your fingers stuck together with super glue
( ) Been a cheerleader
(X) Sat on a roof top
( ) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
(X) Stayed up all night
(X) Not taken a shower for three days
( ) Made contact with a ghost while playing a Ouija board
( ) Had more than 30 pairs of shoes at a time
( ) Gone streaking
(X) Been skinny dipping
( ) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
( ) Had sex in a public or semi-public place
( ) Been kissed by a complete stranger
( ) Broken a bone
( ) Caught a butterfly
() Mooned/flashed someone
() Had someone moon/flash you
( ) Cheated on a test
(X) Forgotten someone’s name
(X) Slept naked
Sure I’ve done some cool stuff, but look at EVERYTHING I haven’t done!
What kind of life am I leading? I’ve never shoplifted. I’ve never made out with a stranger. I’ve never made a “snow angel.” I bet you even Dennis has made a snow angel.
Depressed, I took a walk today, hoping to meet up with some new experience, something I’ve never done before that will re-energize my life! I walked and walked, down the same old familiar streets, the same faces smiling at me, the same shadeless palm trees overhead. I decided to enter a 7-Eleven and buy the Los Angeles Times, hoping I might read about some spiffy event in town that I have never experienced before.
And then I saw it. My New Experience. Something I could check off on my “list of Life.” Something I know for certain that Dennis has never done.
After my experience, I ran home and called Dennis at work.
“Hey, Dennis! Guess what? I did it!”
“You did what?” he asked.
“I tried Beef Jerky for… like for the very first time!”
“Beef Jerky? Yuch. Where?”
“At 7-Eleven?”
“You mean the stuff they keep on the counter? Is that stuff kosher?”
“I doubt it, but I’m not kosher anyway.”
“Yuch. Was it any good?”
“It was awful. Like a cross between a cold rubbery hot dog and a gummy bear. I took one bite and threw out the rest.”
“You are a brave man.”
“Yes, I am.”
Although he didn’t say it out loud, I knew he was impressed.
Dennis can keep his pot smoking. Today, October 9th, I tried beef jerky, something I’ve seen in convenience stores all my life, but never had the nerve to try.
And frankly, it is probably more dangerous to put into your body than pot.
I’m Neilochka, a Rebel with a Beef Jerky Cause.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Welcome to the Hotel California
Was this before or after Owner of a Lonely Heart? Not like it makes a difference.
That is officially their worst song.
I was pretty young at the time and I don’t remember much of the concert, but I think it was like “Spinal Tap” with huge sets and lasers, and Jon Anderson coming down from the sky on some platform at “Roundabout” played. It was pretty cool for a first concert.
I can still hear those immortal words that will one day inspire me when I understand what they mean:
In and around the lake
Mountains come out of the sky and they stand there
One mile over we’ll be there and we’ll see you
Ten true summers we’ll be there and laughing too
Twenty four before my love you’ll see I’ll be there with you
I have tears rolling down my cheeks from laughing so hard.
I don’t know why I found this so funny, though. But thanks!
I won’t tell you how many things I’d check off on that list. You should be proud of what you haven’t done, in my opinion.
Beef jerky is really awful, but good for you for trying something new!
You did it! I admire you because beef jerky is a big step. I mean, I DID grow up kosher, and I remember eating Slim Jims as a kid. They contain all manner of ‘trife’. Don’t feel too nerdy, Neil. I think I haven’t done a lot of those things on that list either. But we have good imaginations and that makes up for a lot.
Beef jerky? For real? Shut your mouth. If you wanted to feel really cool and daring, you should have read the list of ingredients first, and THEN tried to get up the guts to eat it.
Next time go to a strip joint. Even better, eat beef jerky while at the strip joint.
I suddenly feel the need to hop on a plane because I think you are going to need some serious help if you really want to stop being a geek.
I loved this post. I’m going to do the meme and dedicate it to you.
Also, if it makes you feel any better, I doubt Dennis went home and jumped into bed with his wife and a fire in his eyes. My guess is he went home and ate all contents of the kitchen cabinets before passing out on top of the bed.
It can range anywhere between $75.00 to $200.00 an ounce. So I’ve heard.
Congratulations on trying beef jerky for the first time Neil!
And happy Birthday to Neil’s Mom!
3T
YOu’ve never made a prank phone call, or cheated in a game before? I swear, those are much healthier for you than the beef jerky!
Happy birthday to your mom!!
$75.00-$200.00 an ounce???? Sheesh. 2 ounces of kind bud is about $50.00 a bag. At least, that’s what Tommy Chong told me.
Oh, Modigli, please don’t tell me that you cheat in games. Not you!
Heather — Kind bud??
Neil, Let me decode “SURFER” for you. “Da kind” actually hawaiian in org..but surfer for sure Bra..(Brother. Da Kind…is wild crazy good..as in swells, girls or yes, ganja. This good catholic girl from Pasadena..spent summers in Oceanside..and Hermosa…being a bad girl…with lovely surfer locals..Bucky and Javi…MY, MY, MY! Love your meme..will do it tomorrow..in prep for my b-day on Friday…Happy Bday to your mom!!
It’s a shame you have such a big list of things you haven’t tried. I’d like to help. Have you ever replaced a virtual stranger’s attic insulation? No? Come to my house this weekend and chalk up one more new experience you can gloat to Dennis about.
you’ve never slept naked?
Beef Jerky? You chose beef jerky over making out with a stranger?
You are so odd.
Also, you never made out with a stranger? You should have gone to college with me. I made out with half the damn school.
Violet, I do sleep naked! Wild!
So can I assume you HAVE slept with a Jewish woman, Catholic woman, Baptist woman, Christian Scientist woman, Protestant woman, Buddhist woman, Muslim woman, Mormon woman, Amish woman, Mennonite woman, Agnostic woman, Aethesist woman and 7th Day Adventist woman?
Happy birthday to your Mom!
PS… I read those other memes..no mention of threesomes…stripclubs…or cheating at games….Very interesting…very telling…
Neil:
Say Happy Birthday to your Mom for me. And here’s mine:
(x) Smoked a joint
( ) Done cocaine
(X) Been in love
( ) Had a threesome
(x) Been dumped
( ) Shoplifted
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
( ) Been arrested
(X) Made out with a stranger
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Had a crush on a teacher
(X) Been to Europe
(X) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
() Seen someone die
(X) Thrown up in a bar
(X) Met a celebrity
( ) Met someone from the internet in person
(X) Been moshing at a concert
( ) Gone backstage at a concert
(X) Lain outside in the grass and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) Made a snow angel
(X) Flown a kite
(X) Cheated while playing a game
(X) Been lonely
(X) Fallen asleep at work
(X) Fallen asleep at school
(x) Used a fake ID
(X) Been kicked out of a bar
(X) Felt an earthquake
(X) Touched a snake
(X) Slept beneath the stars
(X) Been robbed
(X) Won a contest
(X) Run a red light
( ) Been suspended from school
(X) Had braces
(X) Felt like an outcast
(X) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) Had deja vu
(X) Totaled a car
( ) Stolen a car
(x) Hated the way you look
( ) Witnessed a crime
(X) Been to a strip club
( ) Been to the opposite side of the world
(X) Swum in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Sung karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Had a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
( ) Seen a tornado
(X) Had a wish come true
( ) Gone bungee jumping
(X) Screamed in public
( ) Told a complete stranger you loved them
( ) Had a one night stand
(X) Kissed a mirror
( ) Had a dream that you married someone
(X) Gotten your fingers stuck together with super glue
( ) Been a cheerleader
(X) Sat on a roof top
( ) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
(X) Stayed up all night
(X) Not taken a shower for three days
( ) Made contact with a ghost while playing a Ouija board
(X) Had more than 30 pairs of shoes at a time
(X) Gone streaking
(X) Been skinny dipping
(X) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(X) Had sex in a public or semi-public place
(X) Been kissed by a complete stranger
( ) Broken a bone
( ) Caught a butterfly
(X) Mooned/flashed someone
(X) Had someone moon/flash you
( ) Cheated on a test
(X) Forgotten someone’s name
(X) Slept naked
Neil,
Firstly, happy birthday to your mother. “Bis 120,” Elaine!
Secondly, what — no Karaoke? I’m surprised. I’d have figured you’d have done at least one round of “New York, New York” at a Karaoke bar at some point in time. It’s damn hard the first time you pick up a microphone to sing in front of strangers on a little bitty stage, but then that spotlight does something to your ego and you just don’t want to let go of that microphone….or that spotlight.
Try it sometime.(and make sure it isn’t when you haven’t taken a shower in three days!)
Uh, Jody — let’s just say one of them is true.
Wendy — I took the meme from teahouseblossom, which is slightly different than the other one.
Viscountess — You know how to live!
Hmm… I’m tempted to show my list! You might be surprised by it.
Happy Birthday to Neil’s Mom!
(Neil, don’t forget to wish me Happy Birthday tomorrow, 10-10!)
I’ve done something similar to this and you wanted to know about my arrest. I’ll have you know that I wrote a whole post on the subject shortly afterward but I just haven’t felt like posting it.
However this list is a lot more detailed than the one I completed (kind of like the various versions of the Purity Test) and so I feel obligated to answer to the new questions.
Oh Neil, Neil, Neil,
(shakes head dolefully)
Didn’t anyone teach you in school that beef jerky leads to trying harder dessicated meats?
And here’s something to cheer you up and make you feel more badass. When you were in college, did anyone around you ever light up a joint? If so, you can officially check off “witnessed a crime.” May not feel like it, but it’s technically true, right?
How much longer is Sophia away? Because this is totally a “to-do” list. I can’t believe you’re sitting around blogging when you have so many things to get done.
Who’s going to kiss me under the mistletoe in October?
I’m amazed you’ve never been to a strip club! I haven’t either. In fact, my list would be very similar to yours with the exception of braces and with the addition of cocaine, shoplifting, making out with stranger, having crush on teacher, going backstage, laying in grass watching clouds, making snow angels, cheating during game and test, falling asleep at work and school, touching a snake, being robbed, seeing a tornado, being kissed by a total stranger (and you know which “All My Children” actress I’m talking about), talking on phone for more than 6 hours, and breaking a bone. I don’t know if I should get a prize or turn myself into the police.
Oh, and I forgot the communication from the Ouija board ghost who told me I was going to die in 2031. Damn, that seems soon…
Happy Birthday to Mrs Kramer!
i see you’ve done the delux list rather than the boring, i mean tame, one i did LOL – i’d do this one too, but i’m worried some of my answers might scare off my loyal readers
but Neil, I’m never going to moon anyone – it’s just not my style
(x) Smoked a joint
(x) Done cocaine
(X) Been in love
(x) Had a threesome
(x) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted
(X) Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
(x) Been arrested
(X) Made out with a stranger
(X) Gone on a blind date
(X) Had a crush on a teacher
(X) Been to Europe
( ) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
( ) Seen someone die
( ) Thrown up in a bar
(X) Met a celebrity
(x) Met someone from the internet in person
(X) Been moshing at a concert
(x) Gone backstage at a concert
(X) Lain outside in the grass and watched cloud shapes go by
( ) Made a snow angel
(X) Flown a kite
(X) Cheated while playing a game
(X) Been lonely
( ) Fallen asleep at work
(x) Fallen asleep at school
( ) Used a fake ID
(X) Been kicked out of a bar
(X) Felt an earthquake
(X) Touched a snake
(X) Slept beneath the stars
(X) Been robbed
(X) Won a contest
( ) Run a red light
( ) Been suspended from school
( ) Had braces
(X) Felt like an outcast
(X) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) Had deja vu
( ) Totaled a car
( ) Stolen a car
(x) Hated the way you look
(x) Witnessed a crime
( ) Been to a strip club
(x) Been to the opposite side of the world
(X) Swum in the ocean
(X) Felt like dying
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Sung karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Had a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
( ) Seen a tornado
(X) Had a wish come true
( ) Gone bungee jumping
(X) Screamed in public
(x) Told a complete stranger you loved them
(x) Had a one night stand
(X) Kissed a mirror
(x) Had a dream that you married someone
(X) Gotten your fingers stuck together with super glue
( ) Been a cheerleader
(X) Sat on a roof top
(x) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours straight
(X) Stayed up all night
(X) Not taken a shower for three days
(x) Made contact with a ghost while playing a Ouija board
(X) Had more than 30 pairs of shoes at a time
( ) Gone streaking
( ) Been skinny dipping
( ) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(X) Had sex in a public or semi-public place
(X) Been kissed by a complete stranger
(x) Broken a bone
(x) Caught a butterfly
(X) Mooned/flashed someone
(X) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test
(X) Forgotten someone’s name
(X) Slept naked
Beef jerky? I did that in middle school with my best pal who, incidentally, was named NEIL. He turned me onto Slim Jims. Go ahead and shudder. In high school, my boyfriend’s dad shot a bear and yes, Neilochka, I ATE BEAR JERKY. It was greasy and disgusting and made the Slim Jim seem like haute cuisine.
My boyfriend’s dad had a bearskin rug made and placed it in front of the fireplace–and no, I’m NOT going to talk about anything that happened on the bear skin rug….You’ll have to wonder whether that’s the spot where I cheated at Scrabble. ; D
Talk on the phone for 6 hrs straight?? Some of the stuff on the meme…why would you want to do it? Now…beef jerky…well THAT was daring!
Yours is SO much better but since I’m like George Castanza and hate when my world’s collide, I won’t steal this meme and continue answering. Just know that most of the degenerate questions would be a YES. And I was so going to offer to make out with you as the stranger (we’re coming to LA next week it so could have happened) except you now have beef jerky breath and since I’m 1) vegetarian and 2)converting in a conservative synagogue I can’t.
i’m glad you’re taking steps to revitalize your life. you should do something from the list or something new each day. i suggest sleeping under the stars. although, can you see the stars in LA?
Beef jerky? Does that make you high?
This post made me feel way more adventurous than I am. Love ya for it. : )
Happy Birthday Mrs. Kramer!!!
I didn’t know there were people who’d never tried beef jerky.Who makes the best deer jerky is kind of a big deal in my office. Congratulations on the gas station food. Are pickled eggs next on the agenda, wild man?
Mmmmmm… beeeeef jerky…
I think the rubbery fight is the thing I actually like most about beef jerky.
I was kind of ok with beef jerky, until it became apparent that my cat would willingly die to get himself to some jerky. I figure if the cat likes it so much, maybe I should lay off and stick with a nice organic dark chocolate, more appropriate for yuppie humans.
I’m sort of surprised you haven’t touched a snake… I bet if you go to your local Petco one of the teenage clerks will let you touch the snake
The main ingredient in a Slim Jim is Mechanically Separated Chicken.
Kind bud = no seeds.
So are you working on checking off the rest of the items on your list?
Neil, let’s go to a strip club together.
Next time you come to the east coast, I would be happy to take you and Sophia karaoke-ing.
What, you were expecting maybe a threesome?
So, I was thinking…Sophia is still gone, right? And you’re a little bored still? Why not take a weekend trip to Chicago and lets see if I can help you check a few things off that list. Whaddya say?
Happy Birthday, mother of Neilochka!
Happy Birthday, Mrs. Kramer, and I am sure that Neil took his cholesterol medicine today, just like he was supposed to. As for your list, I havent done most of those things, but then, I don’t get around very much. I’ve never eaten beef jerky and now I doubt that I ever will, and not only have I never inhaled, I’ve never tried the weed. I do not like not being in control of my reactions, no doubt a reaction to a youthful misadventure wherein I got plastered to the point of blackout the day before Easter and vomited into the baptismal font during Easter Mass the next day. I suppose Monsignor Lenehan would have forgiven me; he was a priest, after all, and forgiveness was his business; but the parents of young Alice O’Sullivan were not happy at all, since they wanted young Alice baptized into the holy Roman and Catholic apostolic Church at the font and not out of one of those holy water things on the wall and did not appreciate me stepping on Alice’s big day like that. I see them every so often too, and they still look at me like I actually beat the kid up and put here in the hospital, as opposed to just keeping her from having a bad hair day, assuming the kid had hair at that point.
Oy. I’m ashamed to admit how many of those things I’ve done!
As usual, the thread is worthy if only for Akaky’s comment.
A topic for the post: are Americans a nation of exhibitionists? What makes stereotypically privacy-appreciating people to brag about their being arrested, engaged in hard-drug usage or having a treesome? Discuss.
Happy belated birthday, Mrs.Kramer.
Ha Ha, I think Tatyana is jealous because she never went skinny-dipping!