the writing and photography of Neil Kramer

Month: September 2006 (Page 2 of 3)

Will You Share Your Bed With Me?

Tonight I asked Sophia if she wanted me to come to New York for a visit. She said… uh, no. I would be too much of a distraction. They’re already shooting the film and she’s insanely busy.

She’s probably right. I am a distracting person. I’m very needy. I’m lonely and miserable. But I just want what everyone wants — someone to share a bed with.

But wait. I completely forgot — I have YOU, my dear blog reader.

Will you share YOUR bed with me?

That’s right. You can share your bed with me by emailing me a photo of YOUR BED. I will post it later in the week.

Here is an example — the bed of the generous Two Roads at Lindbergh’s Crossing:
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If enough people share their beds with me, I think I will be sufficiently satisfied until Sophia’s return.

Men, I don’t mind if you share your bed with me, also — but we’re just going to spoon, OK? (it also might be a good way for the chicks to check out your bedroom, if you get my drift — so make the bed first)

Update, Monday morning, after reading the comments: You women are so picky about what your “Neilochka” must look like, I might just hang out in the guys’ beds. They’ll sleep with anyone.

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Update: Both Rhea and DaveG pointed me to a New York Times article today titled, “People Who Share a Bed, and the Things They Say About It,” which only goes to show that bed-sharing is the hippest thing in town!

A Year Ago in Citizen of the Month: When I’m Sixty-Four

College Days

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Imagine there are two bloggers.  One went to a fancy expensive Ivy League college.  The other went to Podunk University.   Could you tell which one is writing a blog about international affairs and which one is writing about pandas and panties?

I don’t think the college you attended years ago tells much about who you are other than how much of a geek you were in high school.  High School!  You were 16!   And people still talk about their college as a way to impress you!

I studied ALL THE TIME in high school, mostly as a rebellion against my father, who was always telling me it didn’t matter what school I went to, as long as I was “a good person.”  (he attended classes at the University of Hawaii during military service).  I’m serious.  Can you believe that someone in the modern era still said things like “be a good person?”  I used to think he was nuts!  Luckily, I had my mother to take me aside and tell me “not to listen to him” and do my homework. 

My father used to push me to do more social activities rather than my homework.  I thought he was trying to sabotoge my life.  The irony is that he was the squarest 1950’s guy you would ever meet — one who would want you to sit home and do your homework. I think he just wanted me to enjoy life more.  I’m not sure where he got these “hippy” values from.  In retrospect, he might have been right.   If I had spent as much time going out and learning what it was like to feel up a girl as I did on AP Calculus, I would be a lot more normal today.

The big advantage to going to a private elite college is supposedly the networking — the so-called old-boy network (not that I’ve been smart enough to know how to join it).   I was talking to Sophia on the phone about this because I’ve been interested in this new book “The Price of Admission:  How America’s Ruling Class Buys Its Way into Elite Colleges – and Who Gets Left Outside the Gates” by the Pulitzer-prize winning Wall Street journalist Daniel Golden  (You know he went to some elite college just by seeing how long that title is!).

The books focuses on all the admissions advantages gives to children of alumni and to the offspring of big donors and celebrities.   I needled Sophia because so many Republicans talk about personal responsibility and moral values, then use the back door to get their family members into college.  Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist’s dopey son Harrison was admitted into Princeton.  Do you think the $25 million dollars for Princeton’s Frist Campus Center helped?  Five generations of Bushes have gone to Yale, including our current President.  Does he seem like Yale material to you?

I always thought it was bad for America to have these old-boy networks that keep the power out of the reach of so many others who don’t have an “in.”   Why should so many of our business leaders and Senators have gone to the same colleges?  Wouldn’t it be better to get some new points of view?  I know for a fact that there are those who attend city colleges who are as bright as anyone at Princeton, yet don’t have the ability to pay for it, or don’t want to take out loans for the rest of their lives.

Sophia agreed with me, but didn’t take my insulting of Republicans lightly.  Within the hour, she called back and told me to look at Truthdig, the web magazine of Robert Scheer, one of the most prominent progressive journalists on the left.

Sophia:  “Look on the About Page of this very liberal web magazine.  Talk about insular.  The entire staff went to expensive private colleges.  Why do they even bring it up?  What does this have to do with their progressive credentials?  I’d rather see that they worked with the unions or something rather than had parents pay for their education!  Is it because liberals don’t trust anyone unless they go to some elite school like Columbia, Princeton, or USC…?”

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Neil:  “Well, USC is not exactly an “elite” school.”

Sophia:  “Well, it is certainly more fancy than where the publisher got her bachelor’s — UC Santa Cruz.  Do you notice that information missing from the About Page — as if a graduate of that school isn’t something to be proud of.  Why are only the private schools listed for everyone to ooh and ahh over?  They’re a bunch of elitists, with an old-boy network as bad as the old fogies on Wall Street!”

Neil:  “That’s ridiculous.  What is this a conspiracy theory?  Maybe the web designer just forgot to add where she went to college.   If you look, they don’t include the college of Robert Scheer either, and he is the main reason for the whole website.”

Sophia:  “OK, let’s see what school he went to.”

We clicked on his link.  Robert Scheer went to City College of New York, which was also somehow missing from the About Page, too. 

Sophia:  “Well now, care to dismount your high horse?”

Uh… maybe Sophia had a point.  Maybe it didn’t matter what side of the political spectrum you are on.   People will always promote themselves and make themselves look better to others…

So, dear readers, have I told you that I went to a prestigious private college… and did very well in Calculus in high school.  And despite a late start, I now know how to feel a woman up.  My father would be proud.

(thanks Dad for paying for college)

 

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  Sophia Made Me Gay

Friday

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What a coincidence!  I live in Redondo Beach, too!

Other more important things:

Danny Miller of Jew Eat Yet has a terrific piece in the Huffington Post (or as Sophia calls it, “that vile Hollywood liberal rag”)

Jay Allen of the ultra-popular Zero Boss has a funny video complaining about his hosting company, Dreamhost, and mentions me.  (I’m with Dreamhost, too, and it is the reason this site has been down half the week) 

Ms. Sophia Lansky sends regards.  She is working very hard on the movie in New York — 16 hour days — but she is now getting paid more.  Sophia is a Russian dialect coach to an American actress (Natasha Gregson Wagner) and an American English dialect coach to a Russian actor (Semyon Strugachev).   But she still gets to see “The Producers” on Sunday.

I am getting the bulk of my traffic today from Pantiesetc.com, the Men in Panties Community (I am not joking!).  I’m not sure whether I should be happy or concerned about this interesting development with my blog.

And hear this, former “Bloggers With Biceps” members  — we have a success story way better than any other phony one from Jenny Craig — Alison joined a gym back then.  Not only is she now a sexy hardbody, but she’s going to WORK at her gym and inspire others!

And finally, since this post is really about nothing, I have a couple of real-life questions that might give you a hint of the excitement of my day tomorrow.   What do people use that is most effective in cleaning a kitchen floor and shower/bathtub?   And do men still iron their dress shirts or do they usually give them out to the cleaners?

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month:  My First Attempt at Looting

Is it Tom Cruise’s Sport Jacket?

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I don’t know if anyone has noticed, but I haven’t been adding my “A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month”‘s at the end of my posts for the last few days. The reason is because when I look at my archives, I see that the first anniversary of my father’s passing is coming up, and I’m avoiding looking at the archives. The last few days have been depressing. Since the Jewish calendar is different than ours, my father’s memorial day was on Monday. That’s right — on 9/11. I lit my father’s “yahrzeit” candle in Los Angeles, and my mother lit hers in New York. I couldn’t deal with reading all of the 9/11 blog posts until Tuesday, which made me depressed two days in a row.

Even my recent posts seem grouchy. Sophia’s job has been extended another week or two and I’m forgetting what a woman smells like. I would be miserable if my friend Barry didn’t come to town on business. He is a friend from New York who I have known since kindergarten. Yesterday, we met up for dinner.

Remember when you were a kid you could spend the whole day having “adventures,” but when you got home and your mother asked, “What did you do?” you answered, “Nothing.”

It was that kind of “wild” night.

The night actually did start out with a bang. We were stopped by the police on La Cienega Boulevard. The reason: My registration sticker was one month old! Woo-hoo, I’m a rebel! I looked the cop in the eyes and said, “F**k you LAPD pig! I’m no Rodney King!” And then I meekly said, “I’ll take care of this immediately, Officer,” and he let me go.

Next up: Barry thought he had an ear infection. Rather than going to the hospital, he suggested we go to this “walk-in” clinic in Beverly Hills. I didn’t even know they had these things. We met with some friendly Iranian doctor, who gave Barry a prescription for antibiotics. We headed over to Walgreens for the pills, but they said it would take three hours.

Three hours! What do two Jewish guys from Queens do? We walked to Pico Kosher Deli and ate some of our favorites. We flirted with the cute waitress and tried to figure out if she was Jewish or a non-Jewish actress acting Jewish as her role of deli waitress.

As we ate our soup, we discussed 9/11 and why so many people think Bush knew about the attacks ahead of time and did nothing, wanting it to happen as an excuse to go into Iraq. We decided that the only way for this conspiracy to work would be if both the Bush and the previous Clinton administrations were in cahoots, which would at least show some bipartisan cooperation.

After our meal, we discovered this cool used clothing store that sold wardrobe pieces from major films and television shows. Most of the clothes was very high-end and looked like they had only been worn once or twice. Barry bought a nice Perry Ellis sport jacket for $35 that originally starred in Mission Impossible 2.

We went back to Walgreens, but still had an hour to kill. So, we spent the time wandering in and out of the aisles, playing with products. We talked about which razors we both used. We agreed that Swifter is overpriced for what it does. When we noticed that Barry had a mustard stain on his shirt, we experimented with different “spot removers,” but nothing worked. We read Us Weekly, Star Magazine, and Black Men Magazine. Finally, Barry got his antibiotics and downed it with some Gatorade.

We hung around for another half hour, sitting on the trunk of my car. Barry got cold, so he put on his new sport jacket. We wondered who could have worn the sport jacket in Mission Impossible 2. Was it Tom Cruise’s sports jacket? Anthony Hopkins? Or was it just some extra in the background?

There was only one way to find out!

We walked over to Blockbuster, rented Mission Impossible 2, and went back to my place. We watched the movie in slow motion, our only purpose being to FIND THAT SPORT JACKET! Unfortunately, this was so tedious a job that we both fell asleep with the TV still on.

Fun!  Eat your heart out, Sophia.

Mom, Let Me Explain the Next Post To You

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Dear Mom,

I know you read my blog every morning and I just realized that tomorrow, when you sit at your desk, turn on your computer, and start to read the next post — you will have no idea in hell what I’m talking about. 

YouTube?  Lonelygirl15? 

For this he went to college?

So, since you are already asleep and I will be asleep tomorrow morning, let me give you a brief explanation.

YouTube is a place where people put all sorts of crazy videos online, sort of like a homespun America’s Funniest Home Videos.   Like many things online, the age of most of the participants is 16. 

Now I had never even heard of Lonelygirl15 until this morning.   I was going onto Technorati (a resource for bloggers) to see if people were still searching for Suri Cruise as a subject of interest.  I wanted to know if my last “panda” post was old news already, so I could beat myself up for not publishing it LAST week when Suri Cruise was hot. 

Blogging is all in the timing.

While I was on Technorati, I saw that 9-11 was the #1 search of the day.  That made sense. 

But #2 was Lonelygirl15. 

“Lonelygirl15?  What the hell is that?  Some new girl band?”  I asked myself.

I’m sure you are as befuddled as I was.

Here’s an article explaining the phenomenon. 

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Kids today!  They’re nuts…

Anyway, with Suri getting old, I immediately needed some “hot” topic to bring in the important “young” demographic to my blog.   I figured that by writing a “sexy” post about Lonelygirl15, I would show the kids that I’m “hip” to what they are doing.   After all, if I want advertising dollars, I’m not going to get it with the bunch of old fogies who usually read this site –  some of them are older than 25!

Anyway, Mom, now that you understand the background to the story, enjoy the next post!  We’ll speak later…

A Message From Our CEO

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My name is Roger Hedgegood, CEO and President of ToughBoy Toys. 

Now that the popular Lonelygirl15 on YouTube, an inspiration to countless teenagers across America, has been outed as a fake, a mere marketing gimmick developed by filmmakers repped by CAA — I think it is time to come clean as well.   

As part of a promotion for our upcoming Christmas toy for boys ages 10-14, Fighting Ninja with Talking Penis, our marketing department developed a blog centered around a self-named “Citizen of the Month.”  Using the names of my two pet gerbils, Neil and Sophia, my marketing department, under the creative guidance of V.P. Marketing, Elaine Lansky-Kramer, developed this entertaining and poignant blog hoping to create a buzz about our new toys. 

I know many of you have grown to admire “Neilochka” and “Sofotchka.”   I hope you will continue to enjoy this exciting interactive storytelling experience.  Even thought they are not “real” in the traditional sense, you shouldn’t stop showing your love and affection.  It is you, the fans of Toughboy Toys, that are the real stars.  And here’s some exciting news – soon there will be “Neilochka and Sofotcha” brand “skinny jeans” coming to a Gap near you, from sizes 0-6. 

A special thanks to Pooja Rajghatta Associates of Bombay for all their assistance with Neil’s “emails” and “phone calls” and the William Morris Agency for supplying us with the actors who played Neil and Sophia on their “visit” to New York and the Berkshires.

Thank you and remember, “Fighting Ninja, Talking Penis!”  — on sale at Walmart stores starting on November 12!

 

Larry King and the Baby Photos

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LARRY KING, CNN HOST: Tonight, for the first time on TV, we see the photos of probably the most famous baby in the world today. And we meet the editor who spent hours with this baby’s famous parents. What was that like? What were they like?

It’s all next on LARRY KING LIVE.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

KING: Good evening. We’re here with our special guest — Neil Kramer, the features editor of Citizen of the Month. He’s in Los Angeles, having spent an enormous amount of time admiring, observing, and photographing Su Lin, the new baby panda cub at the San Diego Zoo, as well as spending time with her well-known parents, Bai Yum and Gao Gao. How did you get this unique opportunity?

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NEIL KRAMER, EDITOR OF CITIZEN OF THE MONTH: It’s incredible isn’t it? I had been in touch with the giant panda parents for quite a while and finally they called me and said I should come down to the zoo. I spend hours there and I had unprecedented access to their home. I was able to go in every room. No door was closed to me. It was unbelievable that Bai Yun and Gao Gao let me into their private life like that. It was absolutely something that I was so excited to be a part of.

KING: Did you expect to be at the panda exhibit all day?

KRAMER: No actually. I expected to only spend an hour or two, and then, you know, the shoot just kept getting more and more interesting and we all were having such a great time.

KING: The photo you used on your blog looks like an emotional shot for Bai Yun and Gao Gao, any particular reason the way it was shot that way and why you picked that for the main photo?

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KRAMER: Yes. That’s a fabulous story. I was at the favorite spot of the family, which is called Panda Village. The sun was setting. The baby panda was looking straight at the camera. Bai Yun and Gao Gao were looking down at the baby and I shot that picture. And, at that moment, everyone became a little bit emotional because we knew we had it. That was definitely going to be the blog photo. There was no question about it.

KING: The grandmother I understand got emotional, huh?

KRAMER: Yes. Gao Gao’s mother was looking at her granddaughter and her future daughter-in-law to be and she started to cry. And then all of us started to get really emotional. And, Gao Gao was fighting back the tears. We talked about that moment later and he said he just — it was all so much and the beauty of the place. It was incredible.

KING: Feeding the baby that giant piece of bamboo was that photo — set up?

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KRAMER: No, the baby was hungry, and the sun was starting to set and she just felt like doing that and it was a great moment.

KING: Gao Gao said this to you about fatherhood. “My whole life I always wanted to be a father.” Was that evident in the way he was?

KRAMER: Absolutely. I was so happy to see this family all so happy together, hanging out together, so comfortable with each other. They just are happy. They’re smiling all the time. They love to tell stories. They’re a very warm and open family.

KING: What was it like for you the first time you saw Sui Lin?

KRAMER: Well, I walked up and I saw this beautiful woman holding this adorable baby and then Gao Gao standing next to — and they’re all waving at me and they’re so excited that I was there. And the baby looked exactly to me like Gao Gao. And I just couldn’t wait to hold the baby, which I did.

KING: I love this photo. Of mother and daughter.

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KRAMER: That is a beautiful shot. You can see how happy they all are and the baby… as you can see lifting her head. She’s gorgeous.

KING: Is that baby as happy as she appears?

KRAMER: That baby is smiling and cooing and giggling. It’s a really happy baby, yes, it is.

KING: A quote from Bai Yun, “The moment the doctor handed me Su Lin, I was just ready. The feeling is indescribable. All I can say is the moment I looked in her eyes I felt like Mom.”

KRAMER: Yes.

KING: What kind of mom is she?

KRAMER: Bai Yun is an incredible mother just the way she holds that baby and looks at — that baby looks at her. They have such a connection. She’s very hands on. They have very little help, you know. Actually, they’re very — they’re a very normal family. I mean what you read in the zoo promotional materials and then when you see them it’s just there’s no connection. It’s just this great, happy family. I can’t — I can’t stress enough how normal the whole thing seemed and I know I was with the biggest attraction in the San Diego zoo. But I keep coming back to the fact that, you know, when they’re holding their baby they’re like every parent in the world, you know, doting parents.

KING: Is Bai Yun a Buddhist or is she becoming one to please Gao Gao?

KRAMER: I really don’t know that, Larry.

KING: Did you discuss that at all?

KRAMER: I did not discuss that at all, no.

KING: Was that a condition of the blog post or not?

KRAMER: Oh, no. There were no conditions at all, no, no, no.

KING: Neil Kramer, you pulled off a coup.

KRAMER: Yes, to see a baby like that… born… from a mother… and loved by parents… it’s so special nowadays to see that… so unique and amazing…

KING: Thanks, Neil.

KRAMER: Thank you, Larry.

(based on CNN transcript of Larry King and Vanity Fair editor Jane Sarkin “discussing” the Suri Cruise photos in Vanity Fair)

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: Love Songs

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