Sophia is always bugging me about putting advertising on my blog. She is under the impression that because “Citizen of the Month” is the third most read blog in Redondo Beach we could make a living off of you suckers, or “monetize” the blog, as they say at conferences like BlogHer.
“Look at this blog,” Sophia says, pointing at some popular blog on my blogroll. “She puts a cute little button on the side that says, “Click here! I need to eat!.” And guess what — she’s really using the blog to pay for her husband’s new BMW.”
I have no problem with people making money off of their blogs. But I ain’t stupid. I know my place in the blogosphere. I don’t have the right demographic to get myself that BMW. In fact, this is a typical offer — something I got in my email today:
Our impressions of citizenofthemonth.com are very good, that’s why we would like to offer you the opportunity of becoming a link partner with us. The process is extremely simple and incredibly beneficial to the both of us. What we would be interested in doing is in offering you a link to Horny Matches dot com….
Horny Matches dot com! That’s my demographic.
Jeez, how horny do you have to be to use Horny Matches dot com? Aren’t the people on Match.com horny enough for you?
What’s the next step — IfIdon’tgetlaidIwillcommitsuicide.com?
These are the type of advertisers interested in Citizen of the Month. The sad part is that their research is correct. After meeting a few of you in person, you ARE the types who would click through the ads to Horny Matches dot com.
But that’s not enough advertising dollars for me and my high-living lifestyle. If I’m going for the money, I want to be a big gun, a big macher — a blogger who gets all the attention. Which means one thing. From this day forward, I am a Mommyblogger. “Citizen of the Month” will now be called “Mommy of the Month.”
Let me introduce you to the “cast of characters.”
That photo on top is my son, Justin, when he was younger. He’s now eleven years old.
My husband is Josh. He’s a stockbroker with a medium-sized firm in Redondo Beach.
And my name is… Trish.
I love blogging, Jane Austen, “The Office,” and scrapbooking. I’m pretty, but not that much of a beauty to make other female bloggers jealous of me. The biggest inspiration in my life, besides my great aunt Tilly, who was born without ears but still managed to become the conductor of the Tulsa Symphony Orchestra, is Dooce.
Some criticize us Mommybloggers.
“How much can be said about being a mother? It’s not like it’s a new experience. My mother raised me OK — and she didn’t even have a blog.”
I disagree. Every mother is different. I can honestly say I would not be here today if it weren’t for my mother.
Welcome to my first Mommyblogger post:
Mommy of the Month
by Trish Lansky-Kramer
Today I went to Kohl’s to buy school clothes for Justin. I can’t believe how many fashion choices children have today! Were there so many choices when we were kids? I don’t think so!
(And thank you Alice for car-pooling! You all should read Alice’s blog, Mommy Unleashed. She is so funny when she talks about her “little rugrats!”)
While at Kohl’s all Justin could talk about was buying these “must have” Nikes. I told him they were too expensive. He started throwing a tantrum. All I think was, “When is school going to start already??!!!” Am I a bad mother to think that way? Send me a private email and tell me the truth!
Later that evening, Josh had a little “man to man” talk with Justin about the Nikes. Josh explained that we needed to save money for our trip to see Nana and to go to Disneyworld. I’m so glad I married Josh. He is such a good father. Thank you all for saying such nice things about him in the comments of the last post. We finally resolved the “toilet seat” issue.
Yesterday was Tuesday night — and you know what that means –GIRLS NIGHT OUT.
I just love Melissa’s new book club! There’s no better combination than good friends, good books, and Ellie’s munchlicious raisin cookies! For our next book, Alicia recommended Jennifer Weiner (again!), but Margaret suggested we try reading something more ethnic for a change, like a writer who is African-American or Asian. I think it might be fun! I know I love Asian babies. They really are the cutest.
It’s been really hot in Redondo Beach the last few days, so I wasn’t surprised when Daphne decided to take off her blouse. I hadn’t taken another bite of my raisin cookie when I noticed that Daphne also took off her bra. She has such a wonder body. I’m so jealous. I really need to go back to Curves (yeah, like I have the time!)
With Daphne looking so comfortable going topless, we all followed her lead. Patty and Beth rolled onto the carpet and started making out. Soon, we were all naked, having a lesbian orgy —
Neil: “Hold on, hold on, what’s going on here! Who’s sabotaging this story?”
Neil’s Penis: “Who do you think, asshole? You think I’m going to let you be a Mommyblogger and cut me out of the blog completely?”
Neil: “Hey, I was still going to share the advertising revenue with you.”
Neil’s Penis: “And what about residuals?”
Neil’s Penis: “Do you really think I participate in this blog JUST for the money? I like being in the posts.”
Neil: “You do?”
Neil’s Penis: “Sure. I have a bit of the actor’s bug in me. The rise and fall of dramantic action. And there’s certainly no role for me anymore if you’re Trish, the Mommyblogger.”
Neil: “We could always make you Josh’s Penis.”
Neil’s Penis: “I don’t take any f***ing secondary roles!”
Neil: “Well, I’m sorry, but Sophia thinks advertising…”
Neil’s Penis: “Sophia… Sophia… I’ve never seen a man so p***y-whipped!. If she thinks this blog is about making money, she doesn’t know crap. Am I the only one with integrity around here?”
Neil: “So why are we doing this blog?”
Neil’s Penis: “Neilochka, open your eyes, you four-eyed nincompoop. If I were running this show, I would have shtupped half of your blogroll already, including those Mommybloggers!”
Neil: “Even Dooce?”
Neil’s Penis: “No. Be serious, pal. She’s out of your league.”
Neil rushes to the window and screams out towards the East Coast.
Neil: “Sophia, please! Come back! This blog is disintegrating into total nonsense without you here!”
Sophia Countdown: Five More Weeks
(artwork from Almost Naked Animals)
(While I wrote this blog tonight, Sophia went to some fancy “wine and cheese” class at the Culinary Institute in NYC and sat next to the “food guy” from “Queer Eye.”)
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: I Wanna Be Taken Seriously