The Poetry Reading

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I had just taken a shower tonight and was toweling off when I heard his voice.

Neil’s Penis: “Where are you going tonight?”

Neil: “I’m going to a poetry reading.”

Neil’s Penis: “Aha! So that’s why you bought that beret at Macy’s yesterday! Hot babe?”

Neil: “No. Just going for the poetry.”

Neil’s Penis: “You’re really into this poetry crap.”

Neil: “It’s interesting. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything literary.”

Neil’s Penis: “Hey, I’m a poet too —

A girl might like a guy with wit,
But she likes it better
When he can find her clit.”

Neil: “Penis, that’s very immature.”

Neil’s Penis: “Ooh, big poet with the beret thinks I’m immature.”

Neil: “Penis, we need to talk. I think this might be the last time we talk on this blog.”

Neil’s Penis: “What?!”

Neil: “I think it might be time to start making this blog a little more sophisticated. We have some poet-bloggers coming over here now, and they’re way classier than the perverts and crazy people who used to come to this blog.”

Neil’s Penis: “Those are your readers!”

Neil: “Eh.”

Neil’s Penis: “What about me? You need me. I’m your bread and butter!”

Neil: “I can handle this blog on my own.”

Neil’s Penis: “Yeah, you’ll be as good as Garfunkel after Paul Simon left.”

Neil: “Well, I’d like to try. I’m serious. This joke is getting old and a lot of people think this whole “talking penis” thing is very childish.”

Neil’s Penis: “They do not!”

Neil: “Listen, on Tuesday, I had coffee with Communicatrix at the Farmers’ Market.”

Neil’s Penis: “She’s really cool.”

Neil: “Yeah, but even she said she skips over all the dumb sex stuff here.”

Neil’s Penis: “Maybe she doesn’t want to fall under our sensual spell.”

Neil: “Penis, not every woman in the world is going to want us. You have to accept that.”

Neil’s Penis: “Yeah, right.”

Neil: “Just focus on the blog. Think of my religious readers. I’m making them sin just by reading this stuff.”

Neil’s Penis: “Ha, where have you been? Those religious babes are the kinkiest ones around! Remember that rabbi’s daughter.”

Neil: “Let me try this another way. Maybe it’s just time to be practical. Maybe it’s time for this blog to go mainstream…”

Neil’s Penis: “I see. So, you’re selling out. To the Man. The emasculating Man. Soon, there’s going to be ads all over the page. And no more “dirty” words. And you’re going to be using fancy words all the time instead, like onomatopoeia. And the only people on your blogroll will be NPR, the New York Times, and Dooce. Well, cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock…”

Neil: “Stop it! Stop it!

Neil’s Penis: “OK, OK, I stopped.”

Neil: “If you thought about it for a second, you’d see that I’m right. What’s so wrong with wanting to better yourself? To climb the ladder of success. To wear a nice cotton turtleneck and brown tailored jacket. My hair trimmed and neat. A copy of David Sedaris under my arm. My beret on my head, tilted just so. Laughing heartily when my poet friend makes some inside joke about Baudelaire. Ah, yes, I read that in Harper’s last week! American Idol? What is that? — a euphemism for the Bush Administration’s idolization of Halliburton’s profits? Sophisticated humor.”

Neil’s Penis: “Neilochka, do what you want. If you want me out of the blog, I’ll do it.”

Neil: “That’s it? You’re giving in just like that? No more arguments?”

Neil’s Penis: “You’re the boss. The brains of the organization. The CEO of Neilochka. If you think you can “make it” out there alone, more power to you. ”

Neil: “That’s very gentlemanly of you, Penis.”

Neil’s Penis: “I care about you, Neilochka. I can see your point. You don’t want to go around the rest of your life known as “The Guy with the Talking Penis Blog.”

Neil: “Exactly. I went to college. Even grad school, for god’s sake.”

Neil’s Penis: “OK, fine. So, from now on, I guess the world will know this guy as “The Guy with the Talking Penis Blog.”

Neil: “Holy crap! Is it possible? This guy has a talking Penis, too?!”

Neil’s Penis: “What’s the big deal. If you don’t care…”

Neil: “How dare he! The son of a…”

My Penis chuckles.

Neil’s Penis: “Still going to that poetry reading?”

Neil: “Hell no!”

I tossed my beret onto the floor.

Neil: “We’re going back to the gym and lifting some weights. Both of us. We need to get into shape!”

Neil’s Penis: “I hear you, Neilochka! Cock fight! Cock fight!”

My Penis turns to the audience.

Neil’s Penis:

“Said Keats to Shelly on a warm summer’s eve
A truly great poet must always believe
As sure as a leaf will change in September
A man shalt always be a slave to his member.”

A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: What I Had for Breakfast Today

This entry was posted in Blogging and the Internet, Literary, Sex and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

74 Responses to The Poetry Reading

  1. Artfuldodger says:

    Since I appear to be the other guy with the “Talking Penis Blog” I thought it might be appropriate to comment. I haven’t read any other post on your site yet, just happened across your link to my site through Technorati. I do know for a fact that the device of a talking penis isn’t new, certainly neither of us can lay claim to its origin. And, since my own trilogy of posts regarding my interview with my penis ended back in March, I think you are free and clear to still maintain the claim to the “Guy with the Talking Penis Blog”. A title I would be only to happy to see you continue with, since I have no designs on such a title myself. This, of course, having been written with tongue firmly in cheek.

    My name is Artfuldodger by the way of Introduction. Stop by my place someday.

  2. Neil says:

    Artfuldodger, thanks for stopping by. When I think of all the war and violence that has occurred throughout history because of men needing to prove their manhood (even back to the days of Helen of Troy!), maybe it’s better that our two talking penises accept the fact that there is room for both of them on the blogosphere. After all, a penis exists to make love, not war.

  3. Erin says:

    You know, if I had a penis, which I don’t, but if I did…. I wouldn’t let it manipulate me in such ways. See, Neil, that is the difference between you and I. But it’s not all your fault… Someone once said that of all things on earth, the one constant desire of beings is to spread their seed. Maybe, this is your body’s way of telling you it’s time to procreate. Go rent “Junior”… That should cure it.

  4. Lynn says:

    tee hee. Neil, don’t worry about us falling under your sensual spell. I don’t think that’s an issue. ;)

  5. introspectre says:

    Who in the bloody hell skips over “the sex stuff”? The most intricate information can be gleamed from a man having a conversation with his penis. God, we should be so lucky that EVERY penis had a blog!
    So help me, Neil, if you stop letting Penis blog I WILL COME OUT THERE. And things will occur. And penis will blog like he has never blogged before.
    Now, if you want to save yourself from a fate worse than being duct taped to a chair while I personally stand naked before you and read each of my naughtiest posts to you in person, while pausing to roll around and writhe a little on a rug/bed/sexable surface, I suggest you straighten up and fly right, mister! No more of this “Penis doesn’t get to talk” crap outta your mouth!

    Do not invoke the wrath of the vagina. She’s WELL VERSED I say, WELL VERSED. I’m not sure penis could handle it. You both might come out of it forever tainted, in a way your readers would realize was TRULY obscene.

  6. Tara says:

    Us Jews are good. heh.

  7. Non-highlighted Heather says:

    I felt so left out not having a talking penis that I got out my strap-on to give it a go. Now to go purchase a copy of “Ventriloquism For Dummies.”

  8. danielle says:

    You and your penis make a great team. You are both very entertaining, and should never be silenced.

  9. You’re so funny; very entertaining!

  10. Tara says:

    I think your penis should have its own blog…..Hmm I can come up with several things it could be called.

  11. Artfuldodger says:

    Neil – I agree, the last thing we want is all out Penis War! I think we have enough of that already. Nah, my talking penis idea was a one-shot anyway, that turned into a three parter. But, if your penis ever needs another penis… just for talking, well, you know where to find me.

  12. Neil says:

    Artful — Who would think that our penises could bring us together like this?

  13. Miss Syl says:

    Personally, I think you and Art ought to capitalize on your rare, shared talent. Join forces and take your talking penises out on the road. Think of the possibilities:

    –Penispeare in the Park: In which your penises act out a variety of two-person scenes from Shakespeare

    –Penis-in’ and a Grinnin’, in which your penises play complimentary banjos and take breaks to make lame-ass chicken-fried wisecracks

    –Penis and Teller: In which your penises chattily perform magic tricks along with a third, smaller, non-speaking variety penis sidekick

    –Penises of the Carribean, where your penises grow their pubes into dreads and sing a medley of crowd-pleasing soca, ska, and reggae hits.

    Any way you look at it, boys, we’re talkin’ cash cow here.

  14. Neil says:

    Hmmm, Miss Syl… you know, after everything I do to keep him happy, maybe it is time that he starts paying his own way!

  15. Aint that the truth.

  16. Alex says:

    This was so very funny-maybe your penis needs its own blog?

  17. Belinda says:

    Now I feel better about my husband watching WE TV movies today. Although, I heard some mumbling from the other room a few hours ago, I could have SWORN it was two voices, and we’ve been on AMC’s war movies marathon ever since. Steve McQueen just got caught in the barbed-wired at the border in “The Great Escape.”

    I’m starting to put it all together, thanks to this entry.

  18. Fitena says:

    *giggles* *lol*! Am I really commenting here?! *waving* hi N& P!
    Does P have a blog? :-)

    Fitèna

  19. V-Grrrl says:

    Finally, a site for crazy, perverted, religious poets. And to think you thought those categories were mutually exclusive! Ha!

    Shelly and Keats? Hmmm. If we’re doing Romantic Poets, I’d really like to know what Byron’s penis has to say.

  20. wordgirl says:

    I’m speechless. But apparently your friend Mr. Johnson has great facility with the language.

  21. elle says:

    Nothing like a little mental masturbation, or not-so mental masturbation.

  22. mrsmogul says:

    Ha ha on cock fight! Ironically I was going to post a conversation with my vagina!

  23. Manic Mom says:

    This is my first visit to the Talking Penis. I like him; I like him very much.

  24. Pingback: Citizen of the Month » Overheard at Trader Joe’s

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