I had just taken a shower tonight and was toweling off when I heard his voice.
Neil’s Penis: “Where are you going tonight?”
Neil: “I’m going to a poetry reading.”
Neil’s Penis: “Aha! So that’s why you bought that beret at Macy’s yesterday! Hot babe?”
Neil: “No. Just going for the poetry.”
Neil’s Penis: “You’re really into this poetry crap.”
Neil: “It’s interesting. It’s been a while since I’ve done anything literary.”
Neil’s Penis: “Hey, I’m a poet too –
A girl might like a guy with wit,
But she likes it better
When he can find her clit.”
Neil: “Penis, that’s very immature.”
Neil’s Penis: “Ooh, big poet with the beret thinks I’m immature.”
Neil: “Penis, we need to talk. I think this might be the last time we talk on this blog.”
Neil’s Penis: “What?!”
Neil: “I think it might be time to start making this blog a little more sophisticated. We have some poet-bloggers coming over here now, and they’re way classier than the perverts and crazy people who used to come to this blog.”
Neil’s Penis: “Those are your readers!”
Neil: “Eh.”
Neil’s Penis: “What about me? You need me. I’m your bread and butter!”
Neil: “I can handle this blog on my own.”
Neil’s Penis: “Yeah, you’ll be as good as Garfunkel after Paul Simon left.”
Neil: “Well, I’d like to try. I’m serious. This joke is getting old and a lot of people think this whole “talking penis” thing is very childish.”
Neil’s Penis: “They do not!”
Neil: “Listen, on Tuesday, I had coffee with Communicatrix at the Farmers’ Market.”
Neil’s Penis: “She’s really cool.”
Neil: “Yeah, but even she said she skips over all the dumb sex stuff here.”
Neil’s Penis: “Maybe she doesn’t want to fall under our sensual spell.”
Neil: “Penis, not every woman in the world is going to want us. You have to accept that.”
Neil’s Penis: “Yeah, right.”
Neil: “Just focus on the blog. Think of my religious readers. I’m making them sin just by reading this stuff.”
Neil’s Penis: “Ha, where have you been? Those religious babes are the kinkiest ones around! Remember that rabbi’s daughter.”
Neil: “Let me try this another way. Maybe it’s just time to be practical. Maybe it’s time for this blog to go mainstream…”
Neil’s Penis: “I see. So, you’re selling out. To the Man. The emasculating Man. Soon, there’s going to be ads all over the page. And no more “dirty” words. And you’re going to be using fancy words all the time instead, like onomatopoeia. And the only people on your blogroll will be NPR, the New York Times, and Dooce. Well, cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock cock…”
Neil: “Stop it! Stop it!
Neil’s Penis: “OK, OK, I stopped.”
Neil: “If you thought about it for a second, you’d see that I’m right. What’s so wrong with wanting to better yourself? To climb the ladder of success. To wear a nice cotton turtleneck and brown tailored jacket. My hair trimmed and neat. A copy of David Sedaris under my arm. My beret on my head, tilted just so. Laughing heartily when my poet friend makes some inside joke about Baudelaire. Ah, yes, I read that in Harper’s last week! American Idol? What is that? — a euphemism for the Bush Administration’s idolization of Halliburton’s profits? Sophisticated humor.”
Neil’s Penis: “Neilochka, do what you want. If you want me out of the blog, I’ll do it.”
Neil: “That’s it? You’re giving in just like that? No more arguments?”
Neil’s Penis: “You’re the boss. The brains of the organization. The CEO of Neilochka. If you think you can “make it” out there alone, more power to you. ”
Neil: “That’s very gentlemanly of you, Penis.”
Neil’s Penis: “I care about you, Neilochka. I can see your point. You don’t want to go around the rest of your life known as “The Guy with the Talking Penis Blog.”
Neil: “Exactly. I went to college. Even grad school, for god’s sake.”
Neil’s Penis: “OK, fine. So, from now on, I guess the world will know this guy as “The Guy with the Talking Penis Blog.”
Neil: “Holy crap! Is it possible? This guy has a talking Penis, too?!”
Neil’s Penis: “What’s the big deal. If you don’t care…”
Neil: “How dare he! The son of a…”
My Penis chuckles.
Neil’s Penis: “Still going to that poetry reading?”
Neil: “Hell no!”
I tossed my beret onto the floor.
Neil: “We’re going back to the gym and lifting some weights. Both of us. We need to get into shape!”
Neil’s Penis: “I hear you, Neilochka! Cock fight! Cock fight!”
My Penis turns to the audience.
Neil’s Penis:
“Said Keats to Shelly on a warm summer’s eve
A truly great poet must always believe
As sure as a leaf will change in September
A man shalt always be a slave to his member.”
A Year Ago on Citizen of the Month: What I Had for Breakfast Today
I think you can talk to your genitals and stil be a muso poet, I mean- must they be mutually exclusive. I talk to mine, and I still write poetry (okey sometimes it’s sex related- but it’s not all of the time)
Your penis is a pretty good poet.
I’ve never been very good at writing poetry.
Perhaps I should consult with my penis about that.
Hehehehehe.
See, I am a new visitor to this blog and as such this is my first exposure to the talking penis. (*waves* Hi, Penis.)
Diggin’ the poetry. *giggle*
Hmmm….I’m having penis envy. If I had a talking penis, I’d start making it earn it’s keep by putting it on David Letterman and then getting commercial endorsements.
Then I’d get to lay around the house all day while it jabbered on about it’s latest Wheaties commerical.
I’m confused. I write poetry and I’m one of your previous readers. Does that make me a pervertpoet?
Brings a tear to the ye, it does.
Or, even to the eye.
I’m so glad the penis will still be making appearances. Your blog just wouldn’t be the same without both of you!
Your penis talks? Shit. If my husband gets word of this I’m screwed. He’d immediately train his to talk too and then next thing you know I’ll be having more conversations with his weiner than him. Great.
Thanks.
Whew, for a second I thought your penis was gone forever.
This is one of the funniest posts I’ve ever read, Neil!
You are cock and balls above the rest.
tell your penis to stop teasing me
Perverted jokes are the only ones I find funny, so I’m really glad your penis talked you out of going legit and selling out to the man.
::This comment brought to you by K-Y Jelly::
a year ago you had three comments, now you get at least 50…maybe your member has something to do with this.
Did you just call me a “pervert” and a “crazy person”?!?!?!
Thanks! I’m touched. Not in the way that your penis is, I’m sure. But touched all the same.
Oh, thank God! Your penis is the only reason I still come here.
I read every word your penis wrote…since I’m new to your blog, this feels a bit too intimate. Hmmm–at least now I understand why I sometimes struggle so much with my work–I’m missing a key writing appendage, who knew?
Simon and Garfunkel? Nah. I have come to think of the two of you as Martin and Lewis.
Neil…absolutely hilarious. Can we place bets on the cock fight?
There once was a man named Neilochka
Whose penis was a show stoppa
He tried to control it
But his member’s coarse wit
Kept us all addicted to dicky.
Oh. My. G-d. I’m a sinner…?
Bravo, Penis! Neil, you’re not too shabby yourself.
An Ode to a Penis
There was a little penis
He liked to hang around
He shone the spotlight on himself
When Neilochka could not be found.
The outspoken member of the duo
Is what Penis was thought to be
But Neil wanted to add to his force
And make it a menage-a-THREE.
So to all those “Citizen” readers
Who’d like to befriend Penis and Neil,
Get in touch with Mr. Kramer
Who will likely cut a deal.
This is the end of my ditty
I hope it made you smile
Neil & Penis,here’s lookin’ at you, boys
I’ll catch you in a while!
“We’re going back to the gym and lifting some weights. Both of us. We need to get into shape!”? What kind of weights does the little guy use?
Wow, your penis is a poetic genius. Maybe you should get him a little beret of his own.
Edgy, Pearl — in all my life, no one has ever mentioned my Penis in a poem. Do you know how proud I feel today. I might even call my mother travelling in Spain.
Neil,
You need a poet laureate to write weekly odes to “your friend”…? I’m so there!
Say hola to your madre for me!
Don’t get rid of the penis talk without a good old fashioned vote. Leave it to the readers, leave it to democracy!
After a long break, I’m glad the first post I read has Mr Penis. Missed him. lol
Thanks for dropping by my blog!!
Guys are the only ones who can get away with the talking genitals. I don’t think a woman with be so successful with talking boobs, wait I think that’s our government; no wonder!!
Extra credit to Chantel for figuring out a way to make a political joke with all this!
Tease. You had me at, “I had just taken a shower and was toweling off.”
Ummm, your penis is pretty tame compared to most of the penis’ I’ve the the pleasure of coming in contact with.
i don’t think i will be able to get the visual of your penis “chuckling” out of my head. how perverted of me, no?
;0 sizz
Someone else might have a Talking Penis blog, but in that blog do the comments contain poems *about* said penis? This has to be the most times I’ve ever typed the word ‘penis’ in one place, ever. To someone I’ve never met. Dear Neil–how low you’ve brought me!
Nance — Thank you. That’s true. I’ve never met that other talking penis. I don’t know it he’s bigger or smaller. Or talks with a Queens accent. Or can do all sorts of amazing tricks. But I do know one thing. That talking penis, for all his bravado, doesn’t have half the amount of “heart” that mine does! He’s a fighter, I tell ya!
If you continue with “he coulda’ been a contendah!” I’m gonna scream.
funny for so many reasons, not the least of which is that paul simon kinda looks like a penis, with or without garfunkel. put that in your pipe and smoke it.
xo
Every time I feel compelled to make a comment about your penis because of one of these posts I worry that it will come back to haunt me in my Supreme Court confirmation hearings. But I’m glad you didn’t kick the little fellow to the curb.
Damn, I was at Farmers Market on Tuesday and I missed my chance to spy on you and Communicatrix…OR DID I??
Yes, the communicatrix skips over the dumb sex stuff on your blog. Unless, of course, you link to her in the body of the dumb sex stuff. Then she is all over that shit like white on rice.
I am such a links hoor…
Oh, and Danny, we have your stalking ass on tape. So watch it, bub.
Such beautiful poetry…and it’s written by a dick. This might explain why I’ve never been able to write a good poem….
don’t stop writing about the penis. we all love your penis.
to think my schlong can only write prose. and in the snow.
No idea about the crazies, but we perverts still show up.
i think your penis should be writing for hallmark!
What a poem. You should give your penis a hand.
Or did you already take care of that today?
hee.
I’ve always thought you might have a poetic penis. My only question now is, can he sing?
Is cock fight a euphemism for self love?
By the way, love the Sedaris reference.
You’re such a fun read Neil and Neil Jr.. Your cock talk is so much better than the other one. Keep it up.
you’ve got a much more reflective, less talkative cock than that other guy for sure. yours is less demanding & more senstive.
Does he always initate conversations? Just curious…