Brilliant post, Neil! Makes me want to celebrate both!

By ChickyBabe on 04.11.06 12:30 am

I see through you Neil. Your graphic novel of a post allowed you to give a rest to that literary part of your brain. lucky your other parts are just as strong. I am all for a Best Of Holiday, taking the prime parts of both, celebrating everything, denigrating nothing.

By Miss Golondon on 04.11.06 1:57 am

No, no, no. Ham is worth at least +40,569,486,949,346,945,839,450,458,439,405 points. And you totally cheated in the candy category by not giving us credit for SOLID chocolate bunnies.

By JordanBaker on 04.11.06 3:12 am

I need an invite to passover so that I can have some lovely brisket. I would go as someone’s shiksa date. Do you put out a Craigslist ad for that?

By MA on 04.11.06 3:27 am

Ick Brisket. If it isn’t prepared properly, (and it often overcooked,) it tastes like seasoned shoe leather.

And I would imagine Barbra Streisand would be the most high maintenance guest on the planet! And I bet she wouldn’t sing neither

By LisaBinDaCity on 04.11.06 3:32 am

Neil,

You da Wise Son!

Happy Passover.

By Pearl on 04.11.06 3:33 am

Forgetfully asking your mother what she’s having for dinner on random Friday night during Lent: -50.

Listening to your mother’s response and noticing she’s referring to “Catholics” as if you’ve never ever heard of them or their practices before: +500.

By The Retropolitan on 04.11.06 3:45 am

LOL! I love this!!!
I never heard about the “Passover” before. Which makes me realise how much we learn from reading others.
I get lots of oeufs de paques for easter, I wish I could celebrate Passover too!
Thank you,

Fitèna

By Fitèna on 04.11.06 3:56 am

Are you honestly going to make me choose between Peeps and fruit slices? Two of my all-time favorite candies? You’re a cruel man.

By jenny on 04.11.06 4:39 am

I was with you till the Streisand part. What is with that?

By justrun on 04.11.06 4:54 am

Wasabi?
Not much. Wasabi with you?

By Priss on 04.11.06 5:19 am

You mocked the Peeps!!! Inconceivable!!

And matzo ball soup - good matzo ball soup - is pricless. I smell a Visa ad coming from this.

By Brooke on 04.11.06 5:36 am

I’m with JustRun… I was with you until the Streisand part. Gotta take Klum over her 10 times out of 10.

The “surprise guest” category was great, as was the kid with the $100 bill.

By LouP on 04.11.06 5:36 am

I agree with most of your scores except I think hot cross buns are disgusting (but three cheers for the coconut lamb cake). Have you ever tasted a homemade macaroon? They’re worth at least 100 points. I’d also give making Easter eggs more points than finding the afikomen–in my family we always got gypped. Besides, only one person can find the afikomen but everyone can color eggs. I agree with you about the movies but there ARE way better Easter films than the horrible “Passion of the Christ.” And I think Babs would ruin any seder because it would be such a Big Deal that she was there.

By Danny on 04.11.06 5:41 am

Whilst I am as goyem as it gets, I do enjoy the occasional matzo and horseradish sammich. But I prefer “Ben Hur” to “The Ten Commandments” as my easter fare. Definitely not Mel’s holy snuff movie!

By TE on 04.11.06 5:43 am

I went to my first Seder a few years ago and actually found the meal much more vegetarian friendly than the standard Easter fare. So there’s another plus for Passover.

By Heather B. on 04.11.06 5:45 am

Ham alone wins the debate (although Charlton Heston was one bad @ss Moses).

By Dustin on 04.11.06 5:55 am

I’m with Dustin. Ham kicks ass, period.

I like mine with Peeps and macaroons. Mmm…macaroons…

By communicatrix on 04.11.06 6:02 am

Dude, you can’t judge Easter films by The PAssion Of The Christ. In our house, we watched Life Of Brian, which I would totally back against the Ten Commandments any day.

By Tracy Lynn on 04.11.06 6:09 am

Ack. Ham makes me want to puke.

By Trix on 04.11.06 6:15 am

First, leg of lamb beats almost everything, except sausage pizza. Second, fruit slices are nice, macaroons are nice, but daquiri flavored jelly beans are positive proof of the existence of God.
Third, The Passion of the Christ is not an Easter movie; it is a Good Friday movie, and it succeeds in telling what happened to Jesus on that particular Friday: he got his ass stomped big time and then got strung up to die. So comparing it to the Ten Commandments is like comparing matzoh and Wonder Bread. Now Chuck smiting the Egyptians is one great bad movie and it makes me wonder why it is that Moses, a man slow of speech, is portrayed as a guy who cant ever shut the hell up. And finally, Barbra beats Heidi? Are you completely out of your mind, Neal? Has your penis decided to take the week off and go fishing? Who would put up with a schmuckette like Barbra when you could have Heidi show up? Like, mega DUH!

By akaky on 04.11.06 7:01 am

yet again, i am wishing i was jewish.

sizz

By ms. sizzle on 04.11.06 7:04 am

ROTFLMAO!

By cruisin-mom on 04.11.06 7:07 am

Hey…where’s the RUGALAH?!They’re my FAVE!

By mrsmogul on 04.11.06 7:11 am

No way…Elijah’s glass can’t be -1. Disappearing wine has to be worth at least +100.

By Hilary on 04.11.06 7:19 am

i love jelly rings.

also, no way that gefilte fish is -50. get the icky gel out of the way, add a little horseradish… oy!

By stephanie on 04.11.06 7:19 am

Mrs. Mogul — there is NO good rugulah on Passover because you’re not supposed to eat leavened bread. That’s why Passover cake tastes like (spit) Passover cake.

TE - I forgot about Ben Hur. That’s a good one. With Planet of the Apes and the Omega Man in his oevre, I’m now thinking Charlton Heston is the greatest movie actor ever — despite his craziness over guns.

And, OK, Heidi Klum might be younger, but Babs is way more sexy.

By Neil on 04.11.06 7:27 am

Well, I’m not the most public about my, erm, affiliations, but at the mention of matzo ball soup, I have the urge to run out onto the street shouting, ‘Hey, that’s my people with that cool soup!’ Which would be even weirder here in Denmark. Otherwise, I always found Passover seder a bit boring though, to tell the truth.

By kimananda on 04.11.06 7:39 am

How could you question Heidi?

Our Easter film will probably be Armageddon.

By AWE on 04.11.06 7:44 am

Kimananda — sure the Seder can be boring, but have you ever been to Easter Mass?

By Neil on 04.11.06 7:49 am

Neil, don’t forget Soylent Green. Now, that, along with the other movies mentioned…rounds out a great career for Chuck.

By cruisin-mom on 04.11.06 7:58 am

Barbra Streisand? Really? [shakes head sadly] Neil, say it ain’t so.

I’ve had a secret crush on you for months but now I’m not so sure. I feel a little dirty now. Which is sad, because most of the time when I’m reading your column I feel ALOT dirty.

Sigh.

By Flirt on 04.11.06 8:51 am

Flirt — My interest in Barbra Streisand is not new — here and here.

By Neil on 04.11.06 9:03 am

I think the leg of lamb deserves more points. Of course, I would want a sampler plate — a little lamb, a little brisket.

By Dagny on 04.11.06 9:22 am

I don’t know, Neil. I think those dark chocolate passover mints beat out Peeps.

I also think if Elijah actually showed up, it would beat out the Easter Bunny.

Can you e-mail me and let me know what kind of drugs you’ve been partaking of lately to come up these brilliant posts? Thanks!

By Edgy Mama on 04.11.06 9:47 am

I couldn’t think of a better argument for bringing these two traditions together and making them a complete worthwhile endevor. But then again I think you would call that “Jews for Jesus”?

or maybe not.

By chantel on 04.11.06 9:47 am

The matzo ball soup is the highlight of Passover to me. But I do like your post! Have a great holiday

By Wendy on 04.11.06 9:54 am

Doesn’t anyone do turkey for Easter anymore? Or is that just a Canadian thing?

By Carly on 04.11.06 10:20 am

Easter is roasted leg of lamb, ham or bbq, big fat baskets full of candy, chocolate bunnies, godiva truffle eggs, toys, plastic eggs full of money or jewelry or sport tickets, and family time. And if it’s a really good one, home made ice cream

By Melissa on 04.11.06 10:45 am

You’ve made my Christian Vs. Jew internal debate that much more difficult! Thanks a lot.

By Scarlet on 04.11.06 11:19 am

Ok Neil, I have to admit that photo of Babs is kind of hot. Let’s never disagree again.

By Flirt on 04.11.06 12:44 pm

i have no idea what any of that food is for passover and isn’t the ten commandments an easter movie? i’m catholic, we always watched it every easter.

By better safe than sorry on 04.11.06 12:52 pm

I love how many Pro-Ham comments you’ve received.

Good idea to end with Babs.

By mysterygirl! on 04.11.06 1:03 pm

Barbra???? Seriously! What about the jewish gals who are actually in the same league as Heidi Klume? Take Cindy Margolis for instance - one of the hottest jewish girls alive, AND she probably lives in LA, so you have that going for you. Which is nice!

By Brian on 04.11.06 1:20 pm

Apple Matzah kugel and brisket trumps everything.

By Jack on 04.11.06 1:34 pm

I’m sorry, but macaroons should not have negative points. They are da bomb, baby!

By Jacynth on 04.11.06 1:35 pm

Neil:
You forgot the plagues…+350.. how much fun is that? And partaking in wine in a rebellious fashion in between the directives to partake in wine +1000. Happy Passover. Okay, Cadbury eggs take all….

By Miz Liz on 04.11.06 2:13 pm

Better Safe — The Ten Commandments an Easter movie? If you’re gonna do that, I’m gonna take Jesus for our side!

Brian — Cindy Margolis the hottest Jewish girl? She’s a shonda to our people. And made of more plastic than Joan and Melissa Rivers combined. And what are her talents other than her tits? Barbra can sing, dance, act, direct, be a liberal activist, AND she has great tits!

Jacynth — I love macaroons, too, but the ones you typically buy in a can are awful. But this recipe looks good from the Food Network.

By Neil on 04.11.06 2:20 pm

“Moses, Moses, Moses!!” (that was my rendition of the best part of the Ten Commandments, or at least my favorite part

Like any good Catholic girl, I love Easter. My family does it up big - more food than you could ever consume in one sitting, wine like rivers, and baskets full of goodies (where were the baskets full of goodies on your list?!). Because my great-aunts look for any excuse to give us gifts, we get Easter presents (video games, movies, ect.) tucked in our baskets next to huge chocolate bunnies that we munch while watching the parade after mass. And yes, at 23 I still get a basket because I’m somebody’s baby, too!

Yay - this post just put me in the holiday spirit!

By Bre on 04.11.06 2:22 pm

You’ve obviously never had my macaroons.

By lizriz on 04.11.06 3:32 pm

hilary clinton is the easter bunny?!?!

(okay, maybe that’s not her in the picture, but it looks like her).

and the easter bunny should actually be negative points for fucking all those chickens just to get eggs, and if you think about it, that means he could have some serious bird flu. the one in the picture is scary. holy smokes. if i were three and i saw that bunny, i’d be crying.

(please excuse the fact that i used the F-word in the same pargraph as “easter.”)

By sarah on 04.11.06 5:16 pm

i love this! i’m looking forward to the manecheivitz wine.

By that girl on 04.11.06 6:58 pm

Dude, you need a better picture of Heidi Klum. I don’t like her hair like that.

By Lynn on 04.11.06 8:18 pm

Lynn, that’s called stacking the evidence. Choose the worst picture of Heidi. Choose the best picture of Barbra. The Jews win. C’mon, I gave you the candy category. Stop complaining already.

By Neil on 04.11.06 8:32 pm

i love macaroons and that’s all
you’re going to get out of me
tonight.

By madelyn on 04.11.06 9:10 pm

How can brisket’s puny butt win anything? Have you ever tasted brisket? It’s like, the ickiest cut of meat on the market! And also, peeps are not so much easter candy as easter fun - you can have all sorts of explody, oozy, sticky fun, which would give easter the edge in that category for sure.

Great idea for a post.

By Jay on 04.11.06 9:18 pm

What is Jay smoking? A properly cooked brisket is a thing of beauty (I just put a 13-lb. one in the oven). And I won’t give the goyim “The Ten Commandments” as an Easter film because it takes place 1200 years before the birth of Christ. But nothing beats a well stocked Easter basket, I admit it.

By Danny on 04.11.06 10:36 pm

Brisket in the oven????? WTF? You put that bad boy on the bar-b-que pit and smoke it nice and slow. Oven? Seriously?

By Melissa on 04.12.06 6:57 am

“Choose the worst picture of Heidi. Choose the best picture of Barbra. The Jews win.”

Neil, that statement is so bizarre on so many levels I dont know where to start. (Your penis really has gone on vacation, hasnt it?)

By akaky on 04.12.06 8:01 am

LMAO! I see some pluses on both sides Neil! Although having Babs at your holiday would clinch it for me!

3T

By 3rdtimesacharm( 3T ) on 04.12.06 8:17 am

Melissa, that’s goy brisket. Jewish brisket must be overcooked in the oven.

By Danny on 04.12.06 8:22 am

Melissa’s from Texas. They BBQ everything, even their breakfast cereal.

By Neil on 04.12.06 8:24 am

Back off, bubba, grilled Corn Flakes kick ass, and don’t get me started on the Cherrios.

By Melissa on 04.12.06 1:28 pm

i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, brilliant. unfortunately, though, you neglected to account for the jelly that sometimes adheres to the gefilte fish…still i believe your tally is correct and can be considered valid even given this oversight. nice work. (i laughed out loud at your extraordinarily high rating for babs at passover dinner)

By amanda on 04.13.06 6:35 am

Oy! Imagine a Seder with Barbra airing her profound thoughts! Haven’t we Jews suffered enough? What’s wrong with Rachel Weisz?

By miriam on 04.13.06 7:51 am

Neil. Macaroons are awesome. Even I, not one of the chosen, enjoy the fruits of Junior’s this time of the year.

By Tanya on 04.13.06 1:45 pm

All the good Easter stuff is really pagan in origin. Of the truly Christian traditions, the Good Friday service creeped me out as a child. Oh yeah, and giving up stuff for Lent sucks. I agree passover wins.

By Nelumbo on 04.13.06 5:41 pm

You say all this stuff about Passion of the Christ because none of you have had ANY experience of God. So, please, be respectful with people that have.

By Seba on 10.23.06 8:55 pm

The only mention of the Passion of the Christ was about a movie. What does that have to do with God?

By Neil on 10.23.06 9:13 pm

[...] Passover last year on Citizen of the Month:  Easter vs. Passover, the Grudge Match and Passover Joke     [...]

By Citizen of the Month » A Question to Ask My Future Therapist on 04.03.07 3:15 pm

[...] Have a wonderful Easter Sunday, you crazy Gentiles!  Passover is still better, but those Peeps are darn tasty!  Are they kosher for Passover?  Is anyone wearing a cool Easter bonnet?  Why do you always have “ham” at Easter?  Isn’t that a little bit pushing things in our face?  How about having brisket one Easter and inviting me over?   You think Jesus would want to have ham for dinner?  I love the painting of the eggs!  Genius!  Danny, Canter’s Deli tonight?     [...]

By Citizen of the Month » Easter Sunday for Jews on 04.08.07 8:10 am

This is in reply to the person who wished they were Jewish, You don’t have to be Jewish to celebrate Passover, just go to Passover On The Net.com, it is a great website, just keep in mind in order to have a successful Passover celebration you need to research, and make plans.You can also get books from your local library. Happy Passover!

By Jody on 01.28.08 5:16 am