As you know, Sophia and I had tentative plans to meet you — my long-time blogging pal — for lunch today as we passed through Riverside on the way back from Sophia’s interpreting job in San Bernardino. I apologize for getting a cold this morning and not being able to make it out of apartment. But even with my sore throat and my Dayquil-induced stupor, I had a bigger concern on my mind — it seems that you and Sophia STILL AGREED to meet for lunch.
And you even showed her YOUR HOME.
And from what I hear, you both GOT ALONG GREAT.
Now, I am not a jealous person. This is not the first time that someone has met Sophia and LIKED HER MORE THAN ME. But this is a special case and it MUST STOP NOW.
You and Sophia must NOT befriend each other. If you do, it will be a disaster, not only for me, but for the ENTIRE BLOGOSPHERE.
Let’s put this in perspective. You and I are BOTH bloggers, so I know you’ll understand of what I speak. When I write a blog post about my relationship with Sophia, it is always told from my point of view. This means I am always the innocent victim and Sophia is always the villain. I’m the cute, lovable one, the guy every female blogger dreams about at night. Readers from as far away as Malaysia have asked me, "What is wrong with that crazy wife of yours? Can’t she see that you are the best thing since Hostess Sno-Balls? If I were there, I would be "taking you" right now on top of the Hollywood sign!"
Can’t you see? Blogging is the best thing to happen to me since… since… well, the introduction of Hostess Sno-Balls.
Luckily, Sophia does not have a blog to present her side of the story. Thank God.
But you have a blog. And we have many of the same readers. Now imagine Sophia and you become buddy-buddy. And I write something disparaging about Sophia in some angry blog post. You read this post, because you never miss a post in your favorite blog, Citizen of the Month, since it is the best thing you’ve ever read since the label of a Hostess… well, you get the point…
But today, you are not happy with my post. In fact, it outrages you, especially since you just happened to talk to Sophia about this "private issue" during one of your "Sex in the City" type lunches with the girls. You know, one of those get-together where women reveal EVERY SINGLE THING to each other, something MEN WOULD NEVER DO.
So, now you’re upset and want to protect your "sister" because you feel obligated after taking that "feminism" class in college. Slowly, I become your enemy. You start writing gossipy stuff on your blog about me, at first in a subtle way like "I hear from a certain separated wife that a certain citizen’s little "soldier" is having trouble "saluting the troops." Then, as your sisterhood strengthens, it’s "Good-bye Subtlety!" All of a sudden, it’s "Newsflash: Neil at Citizen of the Month Rejected from another Job. Wife says,"Still Can’t Get it Up!"
Can you imagine the damage that would do to my credibility? Readers would start doubting everything I write. And like a set of dominos falling over on a kitchen table, bloggers everywhere would become skeptical of every single blog in the world. No one would believe what anyone said. The most frequent blog comments would become "That’s bullshit," "Prove it," and "Let’s hear what the wife has to say!"
Bloggers will stop blogging in fear of ridicule. Readers will stop lurking in disgust. The Technorati 100 will drop to the Technorati 1, with only Blogebrity left blogging about itself. The internet economy will crash… again. China will invade America and since our ports will be then run by China, the Chinese government will quickly take over our country. We will all be forced to listen to the awful Chinese disco music they play at that Chinese-owned donut shop on Olympic Boulevard. The world as we know it will cease to exist…
And this would all be BECAUSE of YOU, MEGAN!
Stop this DISASTER before it becomes a REALITY!