Welcome to the Love Connection, where old-fashioned romance meets modern technology. And here’s your host, Mr. "2 and 2" himself, Chuck Woolery!
Chuck: "Welcome to Love Connection. On our last show we met Sophia Lansky and she was about to tell us about her date. Her three choices of bachelors were Ron, a successful podiatrist from Studio City, California — Dave, a Grammy-award winning composer from Beverly Hills — and Neil, an unemployed writer from Los Angeles. The audience chose Dave, by 65%, Ron came in second with 33%, Neil, oh well… So, Sophia, whom did you pick?"
Sophia: "I picked Neil."
The audience gasps and boos.
Chuck: "Let’s say hello to Neil."
No response from Neil.
Chuck: "Neil… Neil…"
Neil: (distracted) "I’m sorry, I was busy blogging in the back here."
Neil: "Oh, right. You were cancelled ten years ago. You don’t yet know what blogging is. Well, it’s sort of an online journal where you write every day and then other bloggers…
Chuck: (bored) "Uh, very interesting, but let’s hear about the date. Sophia?
Sophia: "Neil came to my door. He was carrying some flowers."
Chuck: "How nice."
Sophia: "That looked like they cost him $3.99 at Ralphs."
Chuck: "Neil… Neil… Neil…
The audience boos Neil.
Chuck: But, Sophia, what did you think of Neil looks-wise?"
Sophia: "He was wearing this weird orange flannel shirt and I thought he looked gay."
Chuck: "Gay? Neil, what’s going on with you?"
Neil: "I’m not gay."
Chuck: "If you say so. What did you think of Sophia?"
Neil: "I thought she was hot. You see… not gay."
Sophia: "Listen to this, Chuck. The very first thing Neil says to me is, "You smell.""
Chuck: "You smell? Neil, are you insane? You didn’t really say that, did you?"
Neil: "I was nervous. I meant to say, "You smell nice" because of her perfume."
Chuck: "Neil, had you ever gone on a date before? This sounds like a disaster. Tell us more."
Sophia: "So, Neil drives me to this Peruvian restaurant that he’s raving about. But when we get there, it’s in this filthy, disgusting mini-mall."
Neil: "But they have great food!"
Sophia: "Well, we never found out, because Neil never bothered to find out that the restaurant was closed on Monday."
Chuck: "Neil, were you brought up by wolves?"
The audience starts throwing their voting devices at Neil.
Neil: "I did find us another restaurant."
Sophia: "Yes, he did. After we drove around Hollywood for a half hour."
Chuck: "How did things go when you reached the new restaurant?"
Sophia: "It actually got better. The conversation was nice and we had a lot chemistry."
Chuck: "Ooh, so tell me, Neil, was there any… romance?"
Neil: "Absolutely, Chuck. On the way home, there was a long light on Wilshire Blvd. and I leaned over and gave Sophia a passionate kiss. It was amazing."
Chuck: "How was the kiss for you, Sophia?"
Sophia: "Eh. First – we almost had an accident, because he took his foot of the brake. And, it actually was a little weird. Like he didn’t really know what to do. But I guess the first kiss wasn’t nearly as bad as the first time we had…"
Neil: "Uh, excuse me, Chuck, this is getting a little too personal. As the writer here, I’m ending things here much earlier than scheduled…"
Sophia: "Hey, that’s exactly what happened in bed the first time we… and the second… and the third…"