It’s been a year and a half since Sophia and I separated, and I haven’t gone on one date. Today I talked about this with Sophia. I told her I was a little scared of getting intimate with another woman.
“You know what I’m talking about,” I told her. “I have that little problem.”
“Ah, yes…”
For years, Sophia has been very understanding of this problem I have in the bedroom. I’m surprised she even agreed to marry me because of my problem. But gradually, she learned to take care of it herself and we accepted the status quo.
“But what if some new woman isn’t as understanding?” I pondered.
“Then you have a problem. A big problem.”
I’m a little embarrassed to bring this up in a public forum, but my motto here is “always be honest with your beloved readers.” So, here it goes:
I am terribly inept in undoing bras.
When I was younger, I used to play the clarinet in the school band. I used to practice so much, that I think I must have injured something in my fingers to the point that it has given me poor dexterity in the handling of complicated buttons and latches. For years, I avoided women because of this problem. Luckily, Sophia accepted me despite my handicap. Once, before we were married, Sophia and I were making out, and she fell asleep waiting for me to undo her bra.
“What am I going to do? What woman is every going to want such a poor bra un-doer as a lover?”
“You can always look for a woman who doesn’t wear one.”
“What about some of my readers like Brooke, who have nice racks. I’m sure she wears a bra.”
“Well, maybe you need to ask them first if they wear a bra, so you’ll know to cross them off the list. Or ask them to go bra-less on the date. Or maybe they’ll still accept you despite it all. I did, most of the time.”
“Be honest with me, Sophia. Is this why we separated?”
“No comment.”
“There’s only one solution. I need to practice.”
“Practice?”
“Yeah, you know like Rocky before the big match. Or the Karate Kid. I need to practice undoing bras.”
“How are you going to do that?”
I smiled knowingly at Sophia.
I opened up her “‘bra” drawer and took out an assortment of various bras of different colors and textures: Bali, Wacoal, Maidenform, Cross Your Heart, Victoria’s Secret, Frederick’s of Hollywood and even some fancy expensive French stuff that I couldn’t pronounce.
“Start putting ‘em on!” I said.
“Oh, you owe me big for this. And I mean big!” she replied.
Sophia gathered up her breasts into the Bali No-Slip Strap Floral Brocade bra and latched up the hooks. She took out a stopwatch.
“OK, ready? 3-2-1, come and get em’!”
I rushed over to Sophia bra as she turned her back to me. I tried to pull out the hooks but it was held tightly against her back. Sophia’s ample bosom wasn’t helping things out either. I was having trouble already. I started to sweat.
“C’mon, Neilochka. It’s not that complicated.”
“It is for me.”
“Come in from the top, place one finger under the hook and squeeze the hooks together. You can do it. Then just keep squeezing while you twist it.”
I place my finger under a hook and unlatched it.
“Got it!”
Sophia shook her head, sadly.
“Neilochka, you have to undo all four hooks to get it off. Keep on going. The clock is ticking.”
Finally, after much struggling, I undid all the hooks, and after some trouble untangling the bra straps caught in Sophia’s hair, the project was a success. Well, not to Sophia:
“Ten minutes for one bra is absolutely pitiful.”
It was a low blow. I hadn’t felt so inept since I failed woodshop in eighth grade for accidentally cutting the head off of my “duck-shaped” wooden memo holder.
“Aw forget it.” I said. “I’m just no good at this. I’m never going to touch another woman’s breasts… ever.” I said disappointedly.
“No!” she shouted sternly. “I care about your future. What if we never get back together? I want you to know this. No women respects a man that can’t take off a bra. You’re NOT going to give up.”
Sophia always had a way of inspiring me. A way of pushing me to achieve greatness.
I lifted up the Maidenform.
“Let’s do it!”
(start “Theme from Rocky”)
Da, da, daaaaaaah… da, da, daaaaaaah
Da, da, daaaaaaah… da, da, daaaaaaah
Statistics:
Playtex Cross Your Heart® Lightly Lined: 9 minutes
Wacoal’s Signature Support™ Sealmess Tailored Underwire: 7 minutes
Lily of France Be Sexy™ Demi Balconette: 12 minutes!
I was getting worse!
“I can’t do it! I can’t do it!”
“What is the problem here? What is holding you back?”
“I don’t know.”
“What are you thinking about while you do this?”
“Duh! What do you think? Your breasts! You know, holding them… looking at them…”
“Maybe that’s your problem. You’re too interested in the results. Right now, you’re still on the bra stage. Try to make that a sensual moment in and of itself.”
“A sensual moment… with the bra?”
“Sure… women have a very close relationship with their bra. Try to feel the bra while you take it off. Feel the material. Feel the way it’s been made.”
I examined the Victoria’s Secret Second Skin Satin bra.
“The label says it was made in China.”
“Just close your eyes and feel the bra… feel the hooks as you open them…”
Within 2 minutes the bra was flying off.
“Jeez, I think I got it! It’s all a mental thing. You have to FEEL THE BRA.”
I told Sophia to put on the fancy French bra and to get ready with the stopwatch. I was ready for STAGE TWO!
(start Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger from Rocky III)
It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the cream of the fight
Risin’ up to the challenge of our rival
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night
And he’s watchin’ us all in the eye of the tiger
Statistics after several attempts with bra:
Off in one minute…
Off in fifty five seconds…
Off in forty-seven seconds…
Off in thirty seconds… a personal best.
“Ten seconds, Neilochka. From first contact to bra on the floor. I’m so proud of you!”
“Thank you, Sophia. I now feel I’m ready for anything.”
“You can buy me some dinner as my teaching fee.”
“Sure.”
Sophia went to her “bra” drawer and pulled out this odd-looking “corset.”
“Then, afterwards, we can start your advanced class.”
We never made it to dinner, because I fainted.
Love that corset! Have you worked on the front clasps? Better get to work:)
Akaky,
you need to read the post again.
so funny…um, what is brocade?
Amanda, google is your friend; how do you think Neil got the brand right?
By the way, I agree with Heather–that bra at the top of the post is a horror. I have to quickly scroll down whenever I log on to your blog for fear of seeing that thing again and destroying every fantasy I’ve ever had about bras. And to think of all the hot, sexy bra photos you could have stolen. What, you never heard of Jane Russell?
My current boyfriend is the first guy I’ve met that can do it one handed and usually really fast. The first time he did it I was so impressed! Maybe he could teach you, Neil.
Neil – I’ll take off my bra for you any day. Except Tuesdays. Never on Tuesdays.
Attention: Blogging community. There will be no new posts today as I will just read Brooke’s last comment to myself over and over again until my eyes hurt.
I can give up blogging now and still be a happy man. Except on Tuesdays, of course.
I think corsets are super sexy… but I always unhook my own undergarments, it’s part of the seduction “dance.”
My goodness. I’m so glad I found your blog (though I’m not sure how I got here)!
You know, you could just ask /tell (depending on your policies) Thirty seconds is long enough to lose the plot – sorry Neilochka, it’s just not good enough.
I have come to the conclusion that, despite the fact that I love you like the Jewish penis-talking brother that I never had, you must be destroyed because you write so well.
You know there are front hook bras that are so simple to undo that I’ve been told by some women that they sometimes fly open while they’re walking down the street – I remember when I got my first steady high school boyfriend, I immediately switched to front hook bras and front button shirts. Oh, yeah, I was a bad girl in his parents’ buick…
Sandra, I used to wear the front hooks and that always happened to me. They would just fly right open!
Neil, I’ll wear the front hooks on Tuesdays.
Damn it’s too bad velcro never caught up for bras.
Neil, you say you want to come back as a bra when you are reincarnated. But wouldn’t it be better to come back as a pair of panties?
Brooke, you wouldn’t happen to have one of these outfits. It just would be a whole lot easier for me.
http://www.citizenofthemonth.com/2005/09/13/fall-fashion/
Hi, Neil.
Thanks for stopping by 86 tips.
I LOVE citizen of the month. I’ve just added it to my blogroll.
You’re right–bras are tricky. Good for you for learning. You are now in the eye of the tiger for sure.
Wow I am talented at something, I can remove my wife’s bras one handed.
Keep ‘em coming with your I LOVE WOMEN posts!!
I love it when my husband has a hard time undoing my bra. I’ve always thought the process was sensual. Nothing like a guy who multitasks…kissing while trying to undo my bra. But after reading your post, maybe it’s not as fun for him as it is for me. Here he is struggling to get them off and I’m distracting him by kissing and doing other stuff. Hmm.
show me a guy who has trouble unhooking bras and I’ll show you a chick with a neck full of hickies (to distract her while fumbling)
MQ – that is so awesome! Now I get it!
Neil – I don’t have those outfits. If you want me to wear topless haute couture I suggest you get a better paying job.
I still dont get it; if it’s that much trouble and she won’t help, buy some scissors and just cut the thing off.
Neil, I just went over the post again and scanned the multitude of comments.
Something is definitely wrong — the “point” made (and not the photo of the bra atop the post) that has not been picked up by others or really dealt with by you is this line:
“It’s been a year and a half since Sophia and I separated, and I haven’t gone on one date.”
Neil, that deserves a blog in itself — what’s wrong with you, man? Getting it on with a blog and with cyberchicks is not the way to go. A year and a half?
B…a…d, very b…a…d!
My guy can’t undo a bra either. As soon as his hands get back there I reach up quick and PING! I unlatch it in seconds (one-handed). Of course, I let him think he has a magic touch that makes my bras somehow fall off my body. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.
Neil –
Found this on the web and thought of this post. Thought you’d find it funny!
Crap – I’m no good at this HTML stuff….here’s the link.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4438334294027496802
Betty — thanks. Sexy. Made me want to upgrade my computer software.
On the other hand, if that was an advertisement for some easy program they’d come up with to remember your many passwords, it would have been brilliant!
Interesting discussion. Although I’ve never had that problem with the front hook bras flying open randomly on the street…. hmm.
But I’ve always thought it’s just good dating etiquette to choose a bra that has a skinny strap in back, the kind that only needs one little hook. It’s less work for the guy.
Those big old cross-your-heart Playtex 18-hour deals with three or four hooks are just plain rude.
I’m not an expert here, Sunshine, but I’m assuming the one hook wonder is more for the medium-and small size women than “fuller” woman. Am I correct? And why exactly am I having this converstation with a bunch of women?
Great video:) The fronts clasps are always just one hook, aren’t they? I wouldn’t know about the fuller sizes though.
Thank you, Neil!
We women in the C-plus-plus category need a bit more support than those flimsy one hookers.
Thankfully, there are other options besides the old Playtex standby: Aubade makes gorgeous underthings and sizes to DD. Certain styles of La Perla fit a DD as well. Huit also has beautiful pieces that fit and give great support.
The best thing a well-endowed woman can do is to go to a lingerie store and have a bra fitting by an expert. Victoria’s Secret offers this but I’ve found that their products lose support after a few washings.
Namaste.
~HDJ
Thank you ladies for the info. If I ever do any online dating, I will write about my “special needs” for bra-opening in my profile, so the woman will show up dressed appropriately with the one-hook. This way, there will be less problems all around.
By the way, for more bra-fitting info, go to my new friend and guru — Oprah Winfrey!
http://www2.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200511/tows_past_20051115_c.jhtml
Neil, it’s always better to consult an expert.
Date women with smaller chests. My bras only have two little clasps. Four! Wow.
Also, the front clasp jobbies might be easier…
Ah…the corsets are meant to be kept on during sex, in my sassy opinion.
The one-handed-unclasp..!
Way to go, Neil!
Definitely thrill of the fight…
http://www.guzer.com/videos/bra_pro.php
Feel the Bra* climbs up off the floor where she was laughing so much* *wipes a tear from her eye* I think every woman out there is just sniggering at this point, and most men should be taking notes. Oh, and no, I won’t be sharing any of my own bra stories today. Last time didn’t end too good. Way to spoil everyone’s fun, anonymous
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is 10seconds good?
I usually do it within 3 seconds (One handed) n thats when the bra straps/hooks are knackered!
Ive always been told i hav to do it within 5 seconds to even be classes as qualifying for being able to undo a bra successfully!?
Not bragging, coz its nothin to brag about but stil, how long is the norm?
I need to learn how to undo a front clasp bra badly. Because whenever me and my girlfriend are together in a sensual experience she wears one. I’m not far enough in my relationship to take it off yet, but i don’t want to look like a dunce. Any tips?
Just keeping on looking her in the eyes and telling her she’s beautiful, and maybe she’ll just take it off herself. It’s much easier that way.
[...]anti discrimination and social conflicts resolving[...]
Unhooking a DD Cup Bra Without Fumbling is the title of a 60,000 word lipogram novel (written without the letter E) by Adam Adams. It contains a range of conundrums that also exclude the letter E.
I LOVE THIS!!! So funny and informative. Being female and gay – I can get a bra off in seconds. You’re right – it’s all about closing your eyes, not thinking about it, and presto!
Happy dating – unless the new bra skills brings a reconciliation
pamela — do you offer lessons to men?