I’ve created my own Frankenstein monster here. Because I’ve spent so much time flirting with female bloggers, my male readers are abandoning me faster than the Israelites left Egypt. At 9PM tonight, my last post, which was addressed mostly to my female readers, had 49 comments. I love getting comments, and I appreciate it. But that was 42 comments from women and only 7 comments from my own gender.
This had got to stop.
We all know the type. He comes to the bar with a buddy. Then he meets a cute bunch of girls. They want to go out with him — just him. So, he goes to his friend and says:
"You don’t mind going home by yourself, do you? I think I just might get lucky!"
I hate those guys. And I am turning into him.
This is as old a problem as Adam and Eve. Women are beautiful, seductive, and smell good. But who is really there for you when a woman drops you like a hot potato so she can screw around with that Beverly Hills attorney she met in her yoga class?
It’s your male friends. Your male buddies.
I love you guys. I love my male readers. I love blogs written by males. Sure, I don’t visit you as often as the women. That’s because I know you will always be there for me. You won’t ever take me off your blogroll because I made a joke about "your tits" in an email! You have a healthy sense of humor.
My female readers are overly demanding and high maintenance. They always want posts that are "funny." If they don’t like your post one day, off they go to another male blogger like Brando or Pauly D.
Female commenters require a lot of work on my part. I don’t just read your comments. I also visualize you naked. Sometimes, the two of us are in compromising positions based on the Kama Sutra book that I bought, but never used.
Now imagine having to do this 42 times a day! That’s 42 voracious female bloggers I have to satisfy every day, even if it is just in my mind!
By the end of the day, my eyes are blurry from looking at the monitor all day — and I can hardly walk. God help me if this blog ever gets really popular and I have to work my way through 100 female comments.
I can just imagine it: "Tonight on Eyewitness News — LA Blogger Dies in Chair After Reading too Many Comments from Attractive Women Bloggers."
No, the madness must stop now.
In order to wean myself off of my addiction to women bloggers, I must go cold turkey.
So — from now through Saturday Night, I will not read ANY BLOG written by a female blogger. This will give me time to bond with my fellow male bloggers.
I will read only blogs written by MEN. I will learn more about their manly dreams and aspirations. I will learn what makes other men tick. I will comment about things such as work, sports, politics, women, fatherhood, and other things that MEN are interested in.
I will IGNORE all comments written by WOMEN. I will answer only those comments written by MEN.
I love you guy bloggers, all of you. Really. Come on, let’s all have a manly group hug. Let’s yell MANLY things together! Let’s show the women that "personal" blogging isn’t just for women and wimpy "artistes." Blogging is as MANLY as football and NASCAR!
I’m sorry, women. I know I am disappointing you.
But it’s NOT YOU. It’s ME.
Thank you for all your wonderful comments today. I can honestly say I fantasized about having sex with each and every one of you today — sometimes more than once. You were all amazing. And I think I gave you a pretty good time as well.
But now, you are DEAD TO ME.
At least until Sunday, when I’ll come back to your blogs. I’m not worried too much about you still being upset at me. I know women are suckers for us men:
You always take the guy back.
Holy jesus mother of god I have finally found the non-daddy male bloggers! You see, I belong to the cutesy “look what my kid did” group and I have no baby-daddy so I think they all just love me for the life they used to lead. Anywho, I won’t delete you for joking about my tits. If you can make up a joke about tits as small as mine, yer a genius. Now I have to leave you for I see you have mentioned other male bloggers and I need to see if they are as funny as you. And please don’t forget that before we take you back…you are weak enough to ask us to.
Fine, we can handle it.. but remember we have daily stat reports and we know your IP number *winks*… big ‘sister’ is watching!!
I look good naked. Knock yourself out.
neil – i love your photo below… and just to make you feel better – i, too, have “touched up” my teeth. (i drink way too much coffee)
and, please – do imagine me sans clothing, it is very likely i am not wearing any when i comment anyway
HAHAHAHA Mmm, yeah… Good luck with that.
PS: My webstats show you already broke your resolution… Unless there’s some other person with an Adelphia IP address who has made 35 recent visits all from your blogroll?
PPS: Last visit, 27 mins ago.
(whistling innocently)
Fine, from now on, I’ll put on my bra and my panties whenever i come to your blog.
Geez, where’s the Brando link I just bookmarked?
I submit to you EXHIBIT A
Actually, if you made a comment about my nipples in an e-mail, I think I would take you off my blogroll…great post, though!
Hey, some of us male types have jobs! We gotta work! (Yes, women work too but we guys have made using it as an excuse into an art form.)
Besides, have you ever looked at your posts? Really looked at them? There are words there – lots of words! Cogent thoughts. You actually have to read them! Guys don’t have time for that. Women read; men don’t. We have cell phones and sport statistics and … I dunno what all. But we don’t read, that’s for sure.
In spite of which, I did read this post and noticed you wrote “… I will learn more about their manly dreams and aspirations. I will learn what makes other men tick.”
On a blog written by a guy? Men don’t write about dreams and aspirations. That’s why so many of them have political blogs. They get to crap on someone else’s dreams and aspirations.
Anyway … Guys don’t want to read about what other guys think. Screw that. We want to know what women are thinking. Do they really like chest hair? How big a deal is the nose hair thing? Is there a right time to fart? That’s what guys want to know.
OK.
Gold, Bill Gold. I was thinking the same thing – and I’m not even male. Not even male, fancy that. And well, on the other hand “This had gotta stop!” only runs into some unknown arena that does NOT include sport teams and politics. amen.
I think that was confusing, but it was the beer speaking, and according to all the beer gutted men you’ve just posted – you should understand.
Atomic, hi there. This is Neil’s cousin Jared who’s visiting him and happened to go to your site last night by accident while Neil was watching a double feature of “The Longest Yard” and “Deliverance.” You have a great site.
You realize that Neil would never go to you until Sunday as he is too busy in his manly pursuits. Good luck!
And by the way, nice tits!
NOt to distract from your excellent cause, but this was marvelous.
You take the women blogosphere to a whole new level of hysteria !
But I feel for you but reading guys blog ??? You must be joking !
You are the only guy in my blogroll I don’t know personaly and I even had to lie in order to get you into the damn blogroll…
Get back to the path of hot girls with brains (or without) and fast or inspiration might melt away in a maze of Budweiser and football…
Hahaha.
Yeah buona fortuna with that. And you are bitching about 42 women? Imagine being Shlomo with 300 wives and 700 concubines… Damn, how’d he do it?
Brilliant pyschology, Neil. You knew that casting aside your ever-growing bevy of hot female blogger babes would only make them want you more. Your perfectly honed online persona (a subtle combination of self-deprection, insouciance, and desperation) makes you the all-time King of Cyber Flirting. Even placing your always present and indomitable wife squarely in the mix does nothing to stem the avalanche of estrogen-laced comments. I am in awe!
As for your male readers, thanks for tolerating us, but I know that even now your eyes are scrolling down looking for the next reply from one of your female posse. That’s okay–we’re just here to flirt with Sophia anyway!
Dang it. I knew I should have commented yesterday.
Fine just fine.
If you no longer visit or flirt with me I’m definitely going to Pauly D.
*pouts in corner*
P.S. I already go to Pauly D. anyway so I guess it’s an empty threat…
Geez, Neil.
Gimme a break! We all know you are a “sensitve new age guy” and would never abandon us gals. See… you peeked!
Namaste.
~HDJ
Wow, aren’t you the Rosie Grier of Blogging. When does your book come out?
Fine, I’ll be at Brando’s blog if you need me.
Hey Neil, did you se the ummmm…. the uhhh, football game last night?
Thanks for the sausage fest, bubba…
Bill, chest hair is ok, no jungle though, trim the fricken nose hair! and the only good time to fart is when you aren’t near me.
Neil – I think you’re hot and I’m picturing you naked now. Come visit my man-blog.
Whine whine whine whine whine; Neil, if you want to get in touch with your testosterone knock off the kvetching already. Stoicism is the male philosophy of choice; why is that? Because it’s simple, that’s why. There’s no long books by guys with unpronounceable names involved. Stoicism is the only philosophy that can be summed up in five words: life sucks so stop whining. In a pinch, you can drop the first three words. So stop it and count your blessings. Every post you make routinely gets scads of comments; lots of bloggers dont-I dont, for example: if I get 4 on a given post I think I’m doing well. Most times no one says anything. I just did a thing about Stalin’s mustache I thought was pretty good and I got two comments, one from HDJ (thank you, ma’am)-the other one was my reply to her; even the always lovely Sophia didnt bother to drop by and call me a nekulturny sookin sin for invoking the memory of that evil man and his mustache. So if you really want to stop being a girly man, start with steak. Tell the cook you want it raw and bloody…better yet, find a cow and start gnawing on its leg without killing it. That’ll show all the guys how tough you are. But first things first: no more whining, dammit!
Yeah, Akaky, I thought that Moustache post was pretty funny. And the fact that the milk industry is now using it in its capitalistic promotions; what irony! I do think your friend Gina has been in France lately, too.
Truth is, most of us bloggers don’t get much traffic. I suppose if I wrote something more than once per week it would be better for me. I like to think it’s because I have a life in real space (as opposed to cyberspace) which trumps my blog.
Namaste.
~HDJ
Wow, my traffic went through the roof this morning. What’s going on over here?
Well,Neil…at least I made one part easier for you – I already have a naked picture of me on my blog.
That’s OK, Neil. I wasn’t going to write anything good this afternoon anyway. Just a dumb story about how my university was a haven of sapphic love. Pffft. BOR-ing.
Yeah, guy. Most of my readers are male. They’re low maintenance and easily entertained. And as long as I occasionally post a photo of myself, they keep coming back.
Good plan. Stroke the guys for a few days. Us chicks know you’ll be back with us soon.
Hey, guys (men only) –
Did you check out the news today. They named the new baby panda at the San Diego Zoo — Su Lin!
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20051111/ap_on_re_us/baby_panda
Fucking cool, right men?
“What? This isn’t guy-talk?”
Uh, ok, did you get to see the mother panda, Bai Yun? Talk about a female with a nice round ass!
Oh yeah, and football — who’s playing this weekend? Is the World Series still on?
boo…picture me with a furrowed brow and a puss on my face. or just picture me naked.
I always see you on other blogs that I read, but haven’t come over before. Okay, so I think I know one of the guys in the last photo you posted on this entry…weird.
Sophia should whack you upside your head with a two by four, you wuss.
Fine. Be that way.
You’ll come back.
You with the dangling appendages always do.
oh please– post a pic of topless girls on a trampoline and you’ve satisfied your male readers for at least a weekend. But if you really need a break– by all means, be off with you to the grunt fest—
Neil…WTF are you talking about a Panda’s ass? Jeez, seriously don’t try to change. Also, this time that the Yankees aren’t playing….the World Series is over.
Dost thou joke about the World Series? You have permanently lost me as a reader.
(Yea, right.)
You need to do a post with a shout out to all the male bloggers that you frequent, links and all. This way the ladies can begin stalking them as well.
Then again, based on these comments, I think I’m developing blog crushes on Bill and Danny.
Many miles north of your Los Angeles-based existence – in San Francisco, to be precise – the smell of testosterone is filling the air…
Ahhhwwww… Su lin!??? That’s cute! I love that baby panda. Soon, she’ll be neighbor. I can’t wait to see her. As for the other stuff — yeah, we’ll see just how long you can last without checking your female blogs!
Oh, Neil. Your empty threats are so…sexy. Grrrrrr…
you are dead to me!
(spits)
ok. whatever. see ya sunday.
sizz
Enjoy your man-time! I’m proposing a girl fest over at someone else’s ‘blog hmmmm… that is sure to bring the men our way! PJ party at http://internalmonoblog.typepad.com/internalmonoblog_the_webl/ or http://www.sizzlesays.blogspot.com/ to cheer Sizz up!! hahaha.
based on the male to female ratio of the comments, can you imagine the dip Neil’s counter would take if all the women took a weekend hiatus from his website?
The comments sections would be barren!
Neil, you can stop picturing me naked and us in some sort of Kama Sutra position because I’ve spent all day working on a very realistic photo-shopped image of you and I in a “compromising” position. But you’ll only be able to see it if you visit my blog TODAY! After that I’m taking it down!
Wait, didn’t it take like 400 years for the Israelites to leave Egypt?
Oh, and if you do make fun of my tits in an email, i will, in fact, drop you from my blogroll. Bitch.
So if I was to bake a scrumptious cheescake this weekend…naked…what flavor should I bake?
Just testing you!
Sara Lee