(artwork by Hirschfeld)
A YOUNG BLOGGER approaches Neil.
Young Blogger: "Master Neilochka, you are so wise. I need your help. I just started a blog.
Neil: "Very good, Young Blogger."
Young Blogger: Yes, but I have a metaphysical question. Is it really a blog if I have no readers?"
Neil: "Ah, the ancient conundrum"
Young Blogger: "How do I get people to notice me?"
Neil: "It’s very simple, young blogger. You write things that are interesting.
Young Blogger: "I see… how profound. So, you’re saying that the important thing to do is to write for myself because eventually people will see my unique vision and come wanting to hear more."
Neil: "No, you idiot. You write things that are interesting to those who live in NEW YORK."
Neil turns to SPEAKS DIRECTLY to YOU from the other side of YOUR monitor.
Neil: "Hi there, my good friends and readers. Let me take a moment and bring you up to speed, as some of you seem to be having some problem following my posts lately. Not that I’m insinuating anything about your intelligence, but — well, yes I am.
As most of you know, Manhattan is a very small island. But as the media center of the country, New Yorkers love to love themselves. And since they run everything media-wise, if they’re not talking about you, you’re pretty much NOTHING.
Think about it. A new movie opens. Do the studios really care what the Des Moines Register says about the film? Of course not. It’s the New York Times.
When I started blogging, I was naive. I became friendly with bloggers from such crazy places as Santa Cruz, California (the amazing Jenny and Ms. Sizzle) and Montana (the writer and photographer Leesa) (Montana? Where the hell’s Montana? Although I do think Robert Redford has a place there, but he’s one of the crazy guys that likes to live in the middle of nowhere).
But really, what was I thinking befriending bloggers living in God knows where? How does it really help me move up to the Blogging B-List?
Look at a New Yorker’s blogroll and what do you see? A New Yorker here and a New Yorker here and another New Yorker and maybe a New Yorker who got married and now lives in Connecticut. And when I say New Yorker, I mean Manhattan. A New York blogger would rather have someone from California on their blogroll than someone from (gasp) Queens!"
(artwork by Natalie Ascencios)
"So, if you want some attention for your blog, you must capture the New York-centric minds of other New Yorker bloggers. For our first lesson, here are some buzz words that you can drop into your posts that might end up showing up in a Technorati search:
H & H Bagels
Grey’s Papaya
Fashion Week
B.A.M.
Varick Street
schlep
But if you really want to OPEN THE EYES of a jaded New York blogger, the ultimate gimmick is to write a post about Stephanie Klein."
Neil moves in closer to YOUR monitor and speaks loudly.
"Do you hear that, New Yorkers?! Contact Blogebrity! I’m writing a post about STEPHANIE KLEIN!
Now, you bloggers in the other 49 states might be asking, "Who the hell is Stephanie Klein?" "
Neil shakes his head condescendingly.
"How innocent and naive you Red State Americans are — with your chickens and farms and church-going and nuclear waste centers.
OK, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Until recently, even I, the ultimate hipster, had never heard of Stephanie Klein. When I first heard her name, it did sound familiar, but then I realized I was thinking of Stephanie Kleinman, who sat behind me in Hebrew School.
No, Stephanie Klein is a popular and talented blogger who writes about the miseries of her upscale life, using "Sex and the City"-style details of her sex life and relationships. Because of this, she got herself a big book and TV deal.
Based on a blog! Can you imagine that?!
Because of her BLOG?!"
Neil starts coughing and choking on his own words.
The always beautiful Sophia enters, dressed in a Vanna White-style outfit. She pats Neil on the back until he stops coughing, then gracefully exits.
Neil continues.
"While most of us sit here in our underwear blogging in our tiny apartments, she got a big deal because of her blog! And this has brought out the envy, admiration, and hatred that comes with the territory. Some love her writing. Others hate her as a person. Who to believe? Why should I care?
But it mattered to a lot of people. The talented Fauxy and Sarah started a funny blog called "Tale of Two Sisters," which was a parody of Stephanie Klein’s blog, Greek Tragedy. I don’t know what exactly happened, but there seems to have been talks of lawsuits and angry name-calling all around. But, then again, there’s nothing New York literary types love more than New York literary types fighting each other.
In the last couple of years, I’m sure you’ve all read the many negative portrayals of President Bush. Those who hate him have called him everything from a war criminal to a Hitler. But these are compliments compared to what people have to say about Stephanie Klein."
The YOUNG BLOGGER raises his hand.
Young Blogger: "Excuse me, Master Neil, but I have a question."
Neil: "Of course."
Young Blogger: "Are you saying that only New Yorkers have an opinion about this blogger named Miss Klein?"
Neil: "Excellent question. No, there are others. Once New Yorkers become interested in something, they tend to talk about it so much that even those from far away take an interest in their weird obsessions — for example, look how America quickly took to that moronic Donald Trump. Or let me quote what Tim had to say about Stephanie Klein on his blog. And he lives in Costa Rica:"
(reading from Tim’s blog)
"To put it bluntly, she is perhaps one of the more superficial, immature, shallow, money hungry, status seeking people I’ve met through blogs… and I fear a woman seemingly devoid of a value system or boundaries. Her fixation on penis size, while humorous, is distressing as she has apparently not yet learned (at age 30 or so) that the most important sex organ is the heart.
Her lack of understanding of men is truly unfortunate.
If she was as socially immature at Barnard as she is now, I can fully understand why she was the only woman in her class not to be invited to join a sorority. They had her number."
Neil chuckles to himself.
Neil: "Jeez, now I worry what MY readers think about MY obsession with MY OWN penis."
A can of Dr. Brown’s Cream Soda (NY reference) flies in from off-screen that almost hits Neil in the head. Neil turns to see Sophia, shaking her head, annoyed.
Neil continues.
I have to admit that I really haven’t read much of Greek Tragedy, so I really can’t comment on the content. I don’t know this Stephanie, either. All I know is that her writing (and success) touched a nerve in many New Yorkers, such as the passionate Anocsanamum:"
(reading from Anocsanamum’s blog)
"Stephanie Klein IS NOT a REAL NYC woman.
A NYC woman is not meeting for coffee with friends midday, and seeing matinees. A NYC woman winces when she ALONE has to hand over the $2500.00 ransom check for the closet she dwells in. A NYC WOMAN goes to the corner bodega to get a 6-pack because spending that much money on wine is not conceivable in this lifetime.
A NYC woman has REAL HARDSHIP over REAL BREAKUPS. Not the imagined "if I were by myself" scrawlings of a Dominatrix with a boytoy.
I can’t stomach her, for the fact that she is the face the world assumes to be me. When people outside of NY think of US real women who live in NYC – with a REAL PERSON’s life, responsibility – trials and tribulations – they think we are all Free-lance PAM slicked hussies who have nothing better to do then dwell on our OH-SO SCREWED UP CHILDHOOD AT FAT CAMP.
Here she is with a silver spoon screaming at the top of her lungs because she has no Lennox China.
GET OVER IT."
Neil walks over to a blackboard, picks up a piece of chalk, and writes the number "2."
Neil: "So, the way I see it, there are two camps that dislike the woman. One is the group who is repelled by the materialistic content of her writing. The other group is the one who is jealous."
"I didn’t realize how many people in New York are using their blogs to get ahead in publishing or writing for magazines. Sophia is definitely pushing me in that direction. And to think, my original intent was to flirt with women!
But frankly, all this flirting has been one big disaster. After six months of blogging, I have not received one topless photo of any of my readers. Well, I did see one reader on the Bobbie-thon site, but that required my own initiative. "
Neil winks at the audience.
YOUNG BLOGGER raises his hand again.
Young Blogger: Excuse me, Master Citizen, but may I ask another question?
Neil: Of course. That’s what I’m here for.
Young Blogger: Is there an actual point to all this? I mean your interest in bloggers’ boobies is interesting, but what is your opinion of Stephanie Klein? Surely you must have some important insights into this controversial issue.
Neil: Young Blogger, I see that you have a long way to go in your blogging career. Don’t think so much. It doesn’t matter what my opinion is. I have no opinion. All that matters is that I use the right New York buzz words like "Stephanie Klein" to get the attention of those bigwigs in the Big Apple so they’ll come and read my blog. These New York types are so obsessed with themselves that you’ll never get noticed unless you make believe you care about nonsense like this Stephanie Klein brouhaha. Now bring me over my "H & H Bagel" and my "New York Times" so I don’t have to "schlep" over there.
Neil, you have outdone yourself on this one!!
Namaste.
~HDJ
I laughed up the tattered remains of my liver reading this.
As you may know, I am a Bronx resident who links to people in such weird places as Queens, (coughing for emphasis) L.A., and (slowly sounding it out) Minnesota. Did you know Minnesota isn’t a carbonated beverage? I learned this because of my blog friend Bil. Food, or in this case drink for thought.
What you may not know is that Stephanie is a friend and a former co-worker. And I write about her every chance I get for precisely the same reason you just pointed out. Nice work!
She’s a lovely person by the way. As my father is fond of blurting out, “I’m just sayin’.”
Funny thing is, though, Bil’s from Wisconsin. Really, though, what’s the difference?
Yeah, like I’m going to believe that someone from the Bronx knows Stephanie Klein. What a riot!
Oh, Neil.
Neil, Neil, Neil.
You get readers from Paris. Isn’t that enough??? Shouldn’t it be enough? Do you really have to aim for New York? Sheesh.
Stephanie Klein is so last season. It’s all Andrew Krucoff all the time now, darling.
As someone outside the US, I am really foreign to the likes and dislikes of the good ppl of the US. You mentioned blogebrity in one of your recent post, and I went to check it out. (OK, I confessed. I want to see where Neil is.)
I checked out some in the A-list. A few others in the B-list. I read and I said to myself, WTF??
IMHO, I prefer your blog. Don’t care what NYorkers love, but, I definitely go for the style of the blogger. If I love someone’s style, I’ll always come back to their blog no matter if the blogger decides or not to join in the bandwagon to write the ‘in’ topic of the day. Period.
Yeah you seem to have a lot of Paris based readers, I find you on almost every blogroll here…
You can be the next VIP guest at “Paris blogue t’il”
Is it wrong to feel shame for being a New York blogger? Especially one that just moved to — EGADS — Queens! I better scurry back to the Algonquin and pray to the spirits of NYC writers for guidance.
Wow, am I going to be famous now that I have been named on the blogebrity-Neil’s blog? I’m flattered.
This is a great post, and now I need to find a way to use “schlep” in my next post
Elizabeth — so now it’s Andrew Krucoff. Damn, I’m always three hours behind here in California! And that’s not including the fact that I stupidly forgot to change my clock this weekend. What time is it now? Does the computer clock automatically change? I bet Andrew Krucoff doesn’t have that problem. I better go read up on him.
Oh, and to all you Parisians — the only French I know is — Monsieur, je voudrais une bière. (Sir, I’ll have a beer) and
Voule-vou goucher avec moi, ce soir.
(editor’s note: I’m told by Pearl later on that it is — Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? (No wonder I have such bad luck with French women)
Brooke — She’s not a wannabe anymore. I was hoping my blog screamed “wannabe.”
So I checked out her blog. It absolutely screams WANNABE from its every carefully constructed phrase.
That doesn’t bother me though. What bothers me is that her stuff is boring. Mind numbingly-painfully-strain yourself to find some humor-boring. Blech.
Neil, well done. I agree with you here. New York Centric seems to be a trend in many things. This trend has happened before such as music and cuisine(restaurants) being 2 examples. The region was proven not to be indicative of the quality.
A few points-
First point- I’m amazed there has only been one troll so far to chime in. Typically what occurs is those with an agenda scour the internet for anything and everything relating to Stephanie Klein and dilute a blog with nonfactual, hateful comments meant at best schedenfreude and worst jealousy.
Good luck in keeping it this way.
Second point- As in anything, if it is printed, people believe it to be true. You sighted a blog who’s intentions were pure yet not factual in statements. These statements are then picked up by other blogs as truth and create a reality of their own.
Third point- mentioning something popular always drives traffic to your site. Everyone should think about this while they read someone’s “personal thoughts”. Many are not as genuine as they claim.
I do know Stephanie Klein and she is a lovely person. I know Derek as well and he is a mediocre tennis player but lovely person.
If New Yorkers care this much about this lady, there must not be much to do in New York. Disney should build a new park there.
Wow – who would of thought my opinion would make me famous! Like an exit on your body everyone is entitled to have one.
Jealous – Not. Do I know Stephanie – No. What I think about what she presents to the world for people to view – I am entitled to. If it upsets – hey, refer back to my second sentence.
Thank you Neil. Love your blog – you say it and you say it well! Definitely have my sworn allegiance to readership!!!
I never thought that I could become famous by writing. It turns out that I am writing about the wrong things and living in the wrong city. Ahhhh. Now I get it. Thanks for letting me in on the secret. To think that I wanted to head to the west coast.
Irene,
I very much like your blog and your writing. I think you misinterpreted what I said.
“Second point- As in anything, if it is printed, people believe it to be true. You sighted a blog who’s intentions were pure yet not factual in statements. These statements are then picked up by other blogs as truth and create a reality of their own.”
This is the only part I was referring to what you wrote. Dissecting the statements you made that just aren’t factually true vs. opinion. I respect your opinion.
I don’t think this requires hijacking a blog. Feel free to contact me if you want to tell me off or say hi. I accept either but prefer the “hi”.
You’re killing me! Dead. So funny and so true.
Phil’s a liar. I’m a terrible tennis player and a mediocre person.
But because he mediocre/lovely, people are going to believe it. Cripes.
While I love New York, in many respects the clichés being put forth by those in the publishing industry and the media/ “literati”, in terms of the typical New Yorkers living the quintessential “New York Lifestyle” really have no basis in reality for a large segment of the population even here in New York. In terms of the media frenzy over New York Centric blogs and personalities, as one Canadian friend said to me, “In New York all your blogs seem contrived, he whole let’s poke fun at our friends who are all either celebs or friends in the media, but they are all in on the joke” gets nauseating after a while. It may sell as a postcard from New York to those who maybe do not know or understand New York. Irene was tapping into this in her post entitled
Stephanie Klein-Misleading the Public That the obvious shallowness of the urban cliché based on Sex and the City’s Carrie Bradshaw
has been recognized for being essentially that by a wide segment of the internet population from Alex Blagg in San Francisco who penned the still classic period piece on this genre of The Chic SLIT cover artists masquerading as serious writers in a piece entitled ”Profiles in Douchebaggete-ery” That the contempt is so widespread is perhaps something that Madison Avenue will eventually catch on to. I genuinely think that will emerge is a thirst for real life and not a brand of writing which is largely best described as nothing more than “reality TV” scripted for mass appeal trafficking in feminine cliché.
As I was saying, welcome the trolls…
Stephanie Klein won the grand prize at my hurricane aid raffle. I never read her blog.
Is it any wonder that the letters “N” “E” “I” and “L” are four of the five letters in Stephanie Klein’s last name?
I think I’ve just uncovered the author of this FAKE BLOG. And I think you know what I’m getting at.
You are now my guru.
Pauly – actually, you can make it
N-E-I-L K.
You found me out. I am Stephanie Klein! Now, I’m off to the mirror to see what type of rack I have.
congratulations, neil. being the ultimate traffic whore, you managed to discover precisely how to draw the select pack of narcissists, voyeurs and idiots that will pump your comment count up more than ever before.
seriously, though, i was sort of confused because the post seemed to be entirely paradoxical, but if it was, you’d be calling sarah and i untalented. not that i really give a shit that you would do that, because well…it really doesn’t matter to me what you think either way. we didn’t write the parody blog for traffic or popularity, we did it as a) a joke for ourselves and b) as an illustration of the frustration we felt for many, many talented writers remaining unpublished while hacks continued to get book deals. that’s it, and that’s all. traffic was something that came along with it because people love drama, it was well written, and really fucking funny.
and we knew when to let it go, because well, it was like beating a dead horse. it probably would have served you better to talk about krucoff, if you wanted any form of intelligent banter here in your comment section.
Heather — I’m getting the message. Krucoff. Krucoff. I’ll need to work on that post. Although I know less about him than Stephanie Klein. But what the hell. That’s never stopped anyone from writing about someone. I’ve even read stories about movie critics that write their whole review without actually seeing the movie.
I’m getting the sense that Stephanie Klein is old hat already.
Am I like the TV variety show that wants to show that it is hip with the kids and brings out Donny Osmond as a special guest?
She’s just overweight enough to be uninteresting.
haha, stephanie klein…i was at a reading where she read her work like a year ago…it was a piece about a guy she slept with who used Pam cooking spray as a lubricant. classy.
wait, so i think i just realized that you are totally using me because i live in NY!
‘now I worry what MY readers think about MY obsession with MY OWN penis.’…it’s our obsession with it you have to watch out for
I resent being called a narcissist, a voyeur, and an idiot by people I have not been introduced to. I was coming to this blog well before Neil brought up Stephanie Klein, whoever she is, mostly to see if Neil would finally break down and post those dirty pictures of Sophia that he’s got hidden in a waterproof box in the toilet tank. As a New York State blogger, and for those of you who dont know this and, of course, Manhattanites, there is an entire state attached to New York City, or rather, to the Bronx, home of the New York Yankees and my native earth, or concrete, in this case. The adventures of Miss Klein do not interest me or anyone else north of the Harlem River in the least, nor are we so needy for attention that we would bother bringing this person up in a casual conversation with our friends whilst eating some of Mrs DiPietro’s tuna casserole at the annual firehouse family day. Her tuna casserole is semi-world famous here in Dutchess County and parts of Orange and Rockland as well, and that’s something Stephanie Klein with her overactive pudenda and maxed out credit cards can’t say at all. We dont know who she is in here in our happy little burg, and frankly, we dont give a rat’s ass.
And Neil, you should know better than to encourage people to schlep here. Having to schlep anything anywhereis a pain in the backside; is this the attitude you want people to have coming here? I dont think so, guy.
Akay, did you know that the Marble Hill of the Bronx, which is north of the Harlem River, is actually part of Manhattan? It’s true! They even have a 212 area code.
Prediction, eventually Madison Avenue Publishing Houses will come to realize that they will have search beyond the big Island of Manhattan for the next big “it” blogger. It is a lazy way of building a fortune, when I can “troll” down the blog roll of a few random bloggers outside Manhattan and read the blogs of some fabulously talented writers who’s lives are not so scripted to fit a blog marketed exclusively to land a book deal based upon a Sex and the City redux. There are even female chic literary types who are not trafficking in feminine cliche, who actually have intelligent male and female readers on the right side of the bell curve and engage in a witty banter that is actually sometimes informative and provides insight to their readers. In fact these are women who do not have men run from them in real life. For example, see http://www.girlspoke.com” rel=”nofollow”>girl spoke or fauxy
The only curse that some have is that they are more than a short cab ride away from Ms. Regan’s offices.
Let’s see, Phil… you are calling other people “trolls,” yet you, in some form, usually anonymously, end up on every site where there is a mention of this topic. And you write essentially the same thing each time. I know she is your girlfriend and all, but please put your label maker away or at least apply it to yourself also.
If you’ll check, I’ve been commenting here for some time, as has Chris. You, on the other hand, showed up today.
Neil – bravo to you baby. I hope they create a NEW Blogebrity category just for you. The Neilochka list!
Namaste.
~HDJ
Derek,
Very aware that Marble Hill is in Manhattan. Back in the day, Marble Hill had WHT(precursor to cable) while the Bronx didn’t. TV-envy and a caste system began. The ability to get soft core porn created the great divide.
New York is SO last season. ‘Nuff said.
Oh, Neil. I’m so looking forward to Citizen “going wide” so we can tear you down.
Cackle…cackle…cackle…
I’m over. My New York Minute lasted ten seconds. It’s all about my mom now. That’s right, as reported by Gawker, “Krucoff’s Mom” is the one making news in media circles and blogger square dances.
Overweight?? I checked out her picture and she doesn’t look overweight at all! What do you think, Neil??
Should we start up this conversation again about weight and anorexics?
I think she’s cute. But I’m not sure even she could convince me to use Pam as a lubricant.
Neil, I’m sorry to have to tell you this: you will not get any Parisian women to sleep with you — the verb is “coucher”, not “goucher”. That word doesn’t exist…unless you’re offering a female something new and innovative…
(the rest of the invitation as you wrote it doesn’t work so well, either) Maybe stick to English…
You are such a blog ho. And cute.
Wow, Neil. I would’ve never expected you, of all people, to employ such shameless tactics to drive traffic to your site. I would never whore myself so blatantly. Perhaps, you ought to sit back and figure out who the real Neil is. What happened to ‘good ole’ Neil? When did things take that disastrous turn for the worse?
Meme — that was so diabolically evil, even on Halloween, that I laughed for fifteen minutes. Thank God you didn’t show them the photo I once emailed you.
Oh, shit, you did!
New York is yesterdays news. Overrated and boring.
LOL! Ew – miss Stephanie is so not cute!
Anyhoo, it’s a tragedy but most popular book-deal-wielding blogs are a big YAWN, aren’t they? They’re really dumbed down so that people can relate to their stupid lies.
In fact, some of the best blogs NOBODY READS! LIFE AND TIMES OF CHANTEL – that woman deserves her own book/movie/magazine. And so do you Neil. Although you’re not hurting for readers I see!
Thank you, La Dauphine. I’m already on work on my first non-fiction book based on this blog titled, “A Man, His Blog, and His Penis.”
By the way, when I called Stephanie Klein talented, I wasn’t being sarcastic, as someone asked in an email. And when I called Heather and Sarah of “Tale of Two Sisters” fame talented, I wasn’t being paradoxical and really saying they were untalented. Why does nobody believe me when I give out a compliment? Do I really come off as so clever that I always say the opposite of what I mean?
I find most bloggers to be lovely people but the few times I have expressed my dislike for SK’s blog (oh the horror!) in the comments section of other people’s blogs who criticize her, I have been absolutely slammed. She has, uh, very rabid fans. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
I saw her interview the other day and while I was surprised to see that she actually comes across better on her blog than on camera, I was glad to see she’s apparently a toker. I had no idea.
Frankly, I’d forgotten about Marble Hill and its pretensions, Derek; that’s how long I’ve been gone from the Big Apple, and now there’s this whole situation about NYC being attacked by ghosts reeking of maple syrup, which is a scary thing if you’re on a low carbohydrate diet, what with the attendant waffles and pancakes. As for Pam, I dont know what to make of this whole idea of using that as a lubricant, although I suspect that using Pam on a young woman with a yeast infection might not be the smartest thing in the world for a guy on Viagra to do: enough churning might lead to bagels popping out her cooter, complete with a cream cheese substitute, and you just know that she’ll want the ones with the poppy seeds, just to bust your hump. Life is strange that way.