you know, i always thought that the person who was insulted should defend themselves. but then, i’m one of those manly women, so what do i know?

I am a woman who hates confrontation. Even more embarrasing is the fact that I often can’t help the tears when I confront. This complicates things by making me angry at myself. It might even look like I’m vulnerable when you don’t want to cross me.

While I hate “unnecessary” confrontation, for that reason, I do like a challenge. I wish I was a quicker thinker who could come up with comic responses on the spot. My burbling lack of wit when insulted has nothing to do with being a wuss. It also has nothing to do with ‘backing down’.

So, I can empathize with men who don’t like confrontation. I avoid it too.
Sex roles aside, it is possible that Sophie felt that your avoidance of the situation would have been different if you had been the one under attack? Your response could imply, “See what I put up with? …and I’m such a nice guy!”

It could be that Sophie likes butting heads and you don’t. It could also be that on some level she saw you as being seduced by an opportunity to raise your profile by putting her down.

Some of the strongest and most manly men I know are not into confrontation but they would follow up. You wouldn’t have had to strut over like John Wayne, but a show of solidarity was in order. Having botched the first part, how about walking over to Beverly Hills with Sophie and, with ‘presence’, calmly stating that you just want to clear something up. The exchanges that passed between you were inappropriate and you did not like the way that she (Beverly Hills) put Sophie down, that Sophie had a right to finish pouring her cream and that if Beverly Hills had time to come back and insult Sophie, she must also have had time to wait for cream to be poured before taking her seat.

Anyway … thanks for the reference to The Life and Death of Colonel Blimp - great movie. With a young and fetching Deborah Kerr playing not one but three roles! My mother always loved Deborah Kerr, as did I. Though we liked her for different reasons. At least, I think they were different. On the other hand, it would explain a good deal about my parent’s relationship. (Maybe I’m the one who needs to spend more on therapy.)

Lizriz … yes, LOL. Maybe you guys should start a club?

As for the the question of how to respond to these situations … it’s hard to be someone other than who you are. Me, I’m more passive than assertive and for good or ill, I’m quite happy that way. I don’t think the coffee incident is extreme enough to say one response is more appropriate than the other. I sometimes wish I was more like a Sophia but I kinda like myself being more like a Neil. (Does this make me wishy-washy? I suppose so. “Sue me, sue me, what can you do me?”)

Welcome Carolyn and Uncle Milton.

The rest of the Kramer family loves to discuss anything that’s global or political (Neil was Miltie one of the uncles discussing Stalin and Chamberlin and if so which did he pick?)but tend to shy away from personal topics. I think most of the Kramer men would have been great yeshiva bochers if the family had not left Russia. How do I know this? I lived with Neil’s Uncle Miltie for nearly 17 years. His nickname is Mad Milton, but he’d be in the lifeboat with Neil and never take the last shrimp. I’d be with Sophia and Anonymous City Girl probably. On second thought, Milton would want to be in the lifeboat with Sophia and Anonymous City Girl, and since I don’t want to listen to him complain, I’ll go with Neil.

Neil, when I read the blog about the shrimp to Miltie he said, “What, didn’t Neil get the shrimp that he wanted? I don’t understand, I don’t think we had shrimp with him? Did someone else take the last shrimp? Why don’t they just get another order so there’s more shrimp for everyone? What Chinese restaurant did they go to? Ask Neil so we can go there when we go to LA. Was it Genghis Cohen on Fairfax Blvd? I have to speak to my brother about this.”

The problem with Neil and Sophia’s relationship is not that one didn’t move the coffee out of the brat’s way or that Neil didn’t say anything to the bimbo Bev Hills mom, it’s that they really always tried so hard to understand each other’s feelings in great detail and be supportive. They didn’t just come home, not talk, watch TV, go to bed, go to work, etc. If they’d done that like a normal married couple,and not tried to understand each other, they’d never have separated.

Megan — thanks for your comments, and your post. If I didn’t read about your struggle with becoming more assertive first, I wouldn’t had then guts to write this.

Bad Maria — I did defend Sophia, didn’t I?! I guess I’m learning after all. I think my manhood is growing larger by the moment. And I didn’t even have to buy any of those products I get spammed about in emails.